Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Gap Between kids

(This post is written by Swapna of Susarlas kitchen)

Hi everybody
Today i want to discuss with u all about the gap between kids..

In the olden days ,i mean at our grand ma's days ,there used to be 10 kids ..as all u know .After their generation i mean in our mom's generation the count has became maximum 4.And as of speaking now nobody is eager to have more than two kids.

But what my concern is ..how much gap should be there between the two kids.?Is it good to have 6-7 years ?Is there any problem if only one kid is there?

Well,,Some body think that it is not good to have only one kid.They became so mischievous and also lonely and selfish..as the age goes by and the children who has brought up with brothers and sis will know about sharing and will have a nice mentality while mingling with others.But to my experience i have seen so many people who is only one child and with a good manners.They are friendly also .They achieved success in their lives .I don't know that every lonely child will be like this way.And also i have seen some people who brought up with bros and sis has became so arrogant and became selfish....

As i already told in the olden days the gap is also less compared to now.In those days delivery means it is so common and our grand ma's used to prepare for it just like an exam which will come every year..Isn't it?But now a days we young mothers are really worrying to have a second delivery..(most of us ..i am also one of them:-D)..is it because of our health condition?or is it because of lack of protein food?

Coming to the gap between the kids......


My elder co sis has two kids with only 1 year gap.She stays along with my MIl .When my co- sis is 2nd time pregnant my mil has taken a good care of the first one.But in my case it is not so..i mean because of my hubby's job we have to stay far.Not only me ..most of us are staying too far to the family members.Isn't it?I think this is the major cause for having much gap between kids.And also now a days it is so happening that the deliveries are becoming complicated to some people..and the doctors them selves are telling to make a gap of 5 years or more..(in my case it so happen).

I want ur opinions on the following....
  1. Is it ok to have a single child?
  2. Is it good to have a 5 years or more gap between the two kids?
Waiting for ur replies on this.....



20 comments:

Anonymous said...

good post..

ramya said...

hai swapna,
this is a nice topic.yha those good old days they r stronger people than us.we r used to this polished food.i personally think 2-3 yrs gap is enough for 2nd one.but i don't agree that raised as 1 they become selfish.its depended on how they r raised.but if 2 r there surely there will be bonding between them.as we all have siblings i too luv them.i am also afraid of the thought of a second one.but if it happens we wait for them like we did for the 1st baby.

Asha said...

Hi Swapna,good questions!!

Whether to have just one or more is up to the couple.No,single kid do not become automatically arrogant or anything,it's how you raise them whether just one child or many.

second q, my kids 4yrs between them.I waited until Trisha was 3 and then planned to have another.Months later ,had the second one.Worked out well for us.When my son was 1yr old, Trisha was in KG,so I got some time alone with baby and for myself.

Now when Trisha goes to college,I still have 4 more years to save for Tushar's college money!:))

Can you imagine if my kids are just one yr apart and we have to maintain both in college!!Ahhh!!!!!

Too many yrs ie more than 7yrs between kids are like having a first child twice,you know what I mean!!The older becomes a parent rather than a sibling.It's ok if you like that gap though.

Reena said...

i think it all depends on individual preference. some of my friends say that better have 2 kids within first 1 or 2 years so that they grow up together and you stay fit. others tell me it is better to have gap of 5-6 years so that you can give each kid more attention.

as for me i have a 3 yr old daughter and want to have only 1 kid because for me it is too stressful to have 2 kids:). i am fine with just 1 and don't want more responsibility.

Ranjani said...

I am an only child & have turned out pretty fine:) its upto each couple to decide as to whether u need to have another kid based on finance/health/career situations.

I feel its not right to have a child just bcos ur 1st child needs company..

Reena said...

Ranjani wrote: "I feel its not right to have a child just bcos ur 1st child needs company.. "

Amen to that. I don't buy that logic either.

Sandeepa said...

Swapna
I guess this is a worry many parents have

I have been a single child and I agree that even now I wish for a bro or sis. Don't know what would have happened if I had any :)

However because of a difficult pregnancy I am afraid to have one more, though truly speaking I would love to :)

About Gap etc. to each his own. But Asha's logic seems valid, many of my friends say 4-5 years is good while some choose to have one after the other, take a long break from work and then go back after both are at a school age

Roopa said...

Hi ramya
Good point, i am in that of alarge gap between the kids like 7 yrs.
Yes it is, why i can't answer much i think Asha has a point it is best age 3 -4 to decide whether to have the next but not in all cases.

In my case i started planning when my D was 4 and landed up i could not concieve. Though we did not have any fertility probs i do not know why now may be partially it was because of stress. Then finally a day came when i stopped worrying about it and there i was pregnant :).

To have 2 or not to depends on each couple. For my case i wanted to have 2 kids and my D also longed for a sibling too she would always say look at our nirghbours they have 3 kids so nice i too want one sis but lol it was brother.

But the age difference is making us litte pain becuase when we are back from work both do not have a common channel like my D has to concentrate on her academics and my son u know very playfull to concentrate on both becomes difficult. All want to play have fun so my D feels only she has to study, sometimes it is possible for one of us to sit with her but not at all times because the younger one will soon come and pull all the books........

ASha any tips to improve concentration for my Daughter???

B o o said...

Seems like everyone is in the same boat. Interesting comparison between our grand parents and us. I think we are just being practical and its a good thing that we give so much thought to it rather than going about it just because we HAVE to.

Ranjani and Reena - Its not about having an immediate play date for the first child but having a family later on when we parents are no more.

Take a look at this post at the Indianmommies for some interesting debate. http://indianmommies.blogspot.com/2007/04/to-have-or-not-to-have.html

DR said...

Hi Swapna,
feels good to hear that women all over the world have similar issues..feels great that we have a place to discuss them!
I am a mom with a 2.5 yr old..also have a full time career, am 35 .
I would love to have another baby but finally last couple of weeks after lots of thought, decided to keep it that way. Its a mixed emotion...specially when people around talk about giving company to the "lonely only"child! I have seen many many people who are single child but are just PERFECT!
So lets hope for the best with my A.Hope he turns out to be a good person...

;-))

d

Asha said...

All of you have great points as strong women and mothers,thanks for that.It is up to individual couples really to decide to have one or more kids and when depending on your circumstances.
I just wanted two kids with reasonable gap between them and I planned in a military fashion and it worked well for me so far!;D

Roopa,it's hard for the older child to concentrate when little bro is pulling books!:))

If she has her own room,get the baby out of there for 2 hrs and keep him with you while she studies.
She needs to get up and walk around every 1/2 hr for 5mins just to relax and go back to studies.That helps her.Don't let her study more than 2hrs a day if possible.
Help her with homework ONLY if she asks and when she needs help.They have to work out the problems themselves first before seeking help.Don't offer but do help only if it's necessary.
Give her a glass juice or soft drink before she starts the studies.Keep the noise like TV and music to the minimum.My kids do their homework listening western classical music with Nanos! Depends on how kids work best.
Ask her how she would like to study and do help her to do that.Encourage her to her best and NEVER push to get the grades.Don't put them down ever if they get less than desirable grades but talk to them what was bothering them and how can you help.

Other than that kids do well on their own!!Good luck Roopa:))

swapna said...

Hi Ramya
I agree with u in everything.but we can't say that if siblings are there surely there will be bonding..the people who bought up like that also became selfish as i know some of them..as u said if it happens we can't do anything..:-D

swapna said...

Hi all
When writing this post i thought that i will get so many good answers for my questions..but it seems that everybody in a dilemma that to have how much gap bet.kids.:-D
any way thanks for all of ur suggestions..

GettingThereNow said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GettingThereNow said...

Hi Swapna!

1. As you yourself said in the post, only kids do not necessarily turn out to be arrogant and selfish/self-centered. It depends on the parenting style. My daughter was an only kid (and we thought we would never be able to have another one) for 8 years and we took great care to teach her sharing and consideration for others' feelings. I have seen many kids who have siblings turn out extremely self-centered. Whether to have another kid or not is the parents' decision only because they will be the ones caring for and bringing up the kid. Whatever works out best for them, I say.

2. There is no definitel answer to the age-gap question in my opinion. I guess ultimately whatever age difference exists between your kids works out for you because that is all you have ot work with.

I always wanted a small age gap between my kids but as luck woould have it, we had problem conceiving the second time so now my kids will have an age difference of almost 9 years. Ever since I got pregnant with the second one, I have come across many people who either have kids that many years apart or who themselves are that many years older or younger to their siblings. And so far, I have heard only positive things. The only negative thing I heard was that since they are so far apart in years, you might spend extra time carting both of them to their respective extra-curricular activities. I am fine with that if that is the only drawback of this situation.

And I know, a lot depends on how we handle things. We are determined NOT to use our daughter as a baby sitter just because she is old enough. We will give her a chance just to be a big sister and maybe not putting the pressure on her to take care of the younger one (among other measures like not comparing one to the other) will help us minimize the siblng rivalry.

Sorry for the long comment.

Sandeepa(Bong Mom's CookBook/DesiMomzClub) said...

GTN

Having a large gap works out well for many as you said. Just to share with you an example from my extended family.
My cousin sis and her bro have a difference of whopping 13 years. Theres a reason behind it which is not imp. here. What I want to say my cousin sis and bro have an excellent relation and though the brother is many years younger now that he is in College, he acts like the older brother :)

GettingThereNow said...

Can't tell you how reassuring that is Sandeepa!!

swapna said...

Hi GTN
U have given me a great relaxation with ur words.There is no need to say sorry.Even me also not able to conceive now because of my health problems. Want to wait another 2 years .Thats why i am concerned and asked u people whether it is good to have that much gap.But after reading ur experience and sandeepa's words i am feeling free.Thanku very much..

Hi sandeepa
Even me also worrying about the gap.Ur words are making me feel relax.thanku..

The Mad Momma said...

:) I see most ppl are worrying about it. I think as a gneration we have begun to overthink the situation. I live in india, but without family and househelp so my situation is the same as most of u desi moms. i just had a little girl 1 month ago and my son was 22 months old when she was born.

i feared murder and insanity, but its turned out fine. with an age gap of 14 months between my younger brother and me, we were and are inseparable. to echo Boo, the second child is not for today.. but for when we are no more. so that you have some blood relative, some close bond left behind. and the little girl has made my son a much calmer person.

i think the small age gap works beautifully. it worked for my brother and now with my kids. i dont want to go back to diaper duty in my 30s!!

i did a post on it long ago... maybe you'd like a look at it.

http://themadmomma.blogspot.com/2006/11/how-are-you-going-to-manage.html

and http://themadmomma.blogspot.com/2006/12/arent-you-too-young-to-be-mother.html


either way, rest assured that whatever you decide will work beautifully for you

The Mad Momma said...

:) I see most ppl are worrying about it. I think as a gneration we have begun to overthink the situation. I live in india, but without family and househelp so my situation is the same as most of u desi moms. i just had a little girl 1 month ago and my son was 22 months old when she was born.

i feared murder and insanity, but its turned out fine. with an age gap of 14 months between my younger brother and me, we were and are inseparable. to echo Boo, the second child is not for today.. but for when we are no more. so that you have some blood relative, some close bond left behind. and the little girl has made my son a much calmer person.

i think the small age gap works beautifully. it worked for my brother and now with my kids. i dont want to go back to diaper duty in my 30s!!

i did a post on it long ago... maybe you'd like a look at it.

http://themadmomma.blogspot.com/2006/11/how-are-you-going-to-manage.html

and http://themadmomma.blogspot.com/2006/12/arent-you-too-young-to-be-mother.html


either way, rest assured that whatever you decide will work beautifully for you