Friday, May 4, 2007

Finding my Mother...

[This post is written by Tharini of Winkie's Way]

This Mother's Day, my mother is right here by my side. I don't know after how many years this has come about. I don't even remember the last time we spent this day together, simply because there was no special memory for it. In all the years that I spent with my parents, I never really knew of the tradition of Mother's Day. It came to my notice only the year that I was married, thanks to all the media hype. And even then, I haughtily brushed it off as a new fangled western notion. After all, I loved my mother, I cherished her and I certainly didn't need just one particular day earmarked for the purpose. So another couple of years went by unnoticed.

There were times when my mother would ask me on a long distance call..."Aren't you going to wish me for Mother's Day?" And I'd quickly mumble 'Happy Mother's Day' for her benefit and then proceed to expostulate on how it is not part of our culture and tradition etc. She'd quietly chuckle and leave it at that.

Now we all know what usually follows next; how your own metamorphosis into motherhood makes you look at everything in a new light. And especially at the person who brought you forth to this experience. my case, it wasn't quite like that. I loved my Mom just as much as I ever did but I don't particularly remember overflowing with sentiment after embracing my own role as one.

Its a little complicated. My relationship with her is complicated. We were never particularly close as I grew up. My father was the epicenter of my life and my affections. He is a vibrant, extroverted, extremely intelligent, ruthlessly honest man, with whom I had the most natural and effortless chemistry. And it was hard to compete with that I guess. And my mother never tried. She is too simple a person. And very complicated in all her simplicity. She is straight as an arrow and yet you cannot guess easily at her thoughts or sense her emotions.

Even now as I write this, I cannot quite put my finger on what it is about her that I still don't get. I guess her upbringing has a lot to do with it. She grew up in a very rigid atmosphere, with very little independence and scope for self confidence. As a result, she is always a little insecure. Nevertheless, she was a working woman all her life and bold in so many ways in stepping out into the world. And yet, she could never stand her own in the midst of the various in-laws who've given her a hard time, and has lived her life in constant fear of their approbation or otherwise. Now if there is one thing I'd wish for from God, it is for her to live for herself. Without worrying about what others are going to say and think. Yet, despite the hold all these external influences have on her state of mind, she remains a stoic. [I said she was complicated, didn't I? :-)]

There have been times...many a times...when I have wished for a different sort of package in my mother...the kind who could have been my best friend, who could have talked about books and music with me, and so many other things...but as I sit down today and consciously think about her in lieu of writing this post, I realise something. This one thing that I have missed all along. That its not important to have the perfect kind of mother...the mother of all ideals. The crux of the matter is this...the kind of mother you have is the kind of mother you need. She comes as a gift to you from the divine authority...exactly moulded to your true inner needs, to help you self-actualise in this given life. She cannot be perfect because you cannot be perfect. But together, along with all the stumbling mistakes, you will both do some form of justice to your roles.

" The real religion of the world comes from women – from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms."

Now I don't know if I ever will get around to sharing this with her, because I am not quite sure if she will understand this. What I know instead is...whether it is in the confines of my heart, or through a simple hug every now and then, or a special gift, I love her, and always will. And for the simple reason that however hyped it may is occasions like this that give you the chance to stop and think. And feel and do. And confer love and gladden a heart. I know this now, because it would make me happy to be thought of as a mother by my children and to be made to feel special by them. Its not just about one single day. Its about love. The love that is consistent and steady but needs some upliftment and richness every once in a while to stand break the mould of routine and sameness and be elevated to the annals of cherished memories. I hope I can always give my mother that!


Saraswathi said...

"The kind of mother you have is the kind you need" Wow...A very true statement!

I have read somewhere: "A woman might not be perfect but a mother is always perfect".

Happy Mother's Day to you and your mom and I hope every mothers day your mom is next to you to share your love and happiness:)

Raghu Ram Prasad said...

In the world ONE and only ONE living GOD is ""MOTHER"". HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO YOU AND YOUR MOM.thanks for visiting my blog ,,i also love kulphi..

Asha said...

Tharini,thank God you have said what I wanted to say!I was not close to my mother either growing up and still not but I do love and respect her and I adore my daddy:))

It's wonderful to hear that she is with you this year and I bet it will be grand day for her.I don't think no one in this world is perfect anyway,including moms and dads in my opinion.

Happy Mother's day,Hugs to you.

shweta said...

Hi Everybody,

I am really impressed by all of your posts here.I would like to write a little about my mother also.
I have always been my father's pet and he has been my idol..He passed away 3 years back.It was a great loss for myself and my family.

My parents weren't the perfect couple, they used to fight almost all the time for really unneccssary things.I tried to be mediator once I began to understand their was just that both of them had different view points about everything in life !!!!They brought me & my brother with utmost affection and care.
Then in 2004 my father felt sick with kidney failure and he was on dialysis for almost a year, at that time both myself and my brother were stuck here because of visa issues.My mother took care of him along with help from her family.She was almost at that point where she felt it was better for my dad to leave us as she couldn't see him suffer to this extent...That's when I realised her true love for my DAD, one needs to truly love a person to let them go forever..for their benefit...
My father passed away after year of pain & misery..My mother was bold for first week..then it hit her..she went into state of depression for a year..By God's grace, my son Shyam's birth changed her & revived her back..She came here to help me with the delivery..i had some complications..and in the end when shyam was born..the doctor told her & my husband abt the baby and gave my mother shyam to hold in her hands...The First thing she asked was...How is Shweta doing? Can I see her??..This is mother's love...NO words to explain it..
She has been staying with us ever since then going to India for couple of months on vacation ...I really salute her for all the efforts she is taking to keep us all going..especially me..

Tharini said...

Thanks Asha...for saying what u did. I always felt a little guilty about being a little one sided...but your comment was reassuring.

Sandeepa said...

Thaks Tharini for such a beautiful post :) Loved the graphic you created too.

Seeing you and Asha both Daddy's girl I am keeping my fingers crossed for my little girl :)

Dee said...

Excellent thoughts Tharini :). I was a daddy's girl too ..and my mom is still 'J' (jealous) about it..haha:). No matter what, the truth is moms rule!

Reena said...

i am guilty too. always favored papa over mamma. but now ma & i are best buddies. we talk and share things like two friends.

my daughter favors her dad and it makes me J but she is the first one to run and give me a hug when i feel sad. it's like even at this tender age of 3 she connects with me. what an amazing feeling!

beautiful writeup tharini! i read your blog and love it.

Sreelu said...


very nice write up, made me very emotional. What ever said at the end of the day Mom's rule. I am dad's pet too, but after having kids of my own I gradually started getting very close to mom and understand where she comes from.
What ever it is may there be lots of happyness and peace with you this mother day.
Enjoy the special day

Sharmi said...

So many lovely write ups on for "Mother". oh loved reading all of them. so touchy. I miss my mom when I read it all.:((

Vani said...

What a touching tribute to your mom, Tharini!

**Now I don't know if I ever will get around to sharing this with her, because I am not quite sure if she will understand this. **
I hope you do share, Tharini coz you're saying such beautiful things about her. She'll love it.

A beautiful post!