Thursday, December 20, 2007

Awakened and liberated...

[This post was written by Tharini of Winkie's Way.]

I read Kay's December challenge and thought to myself...what an amazing and unique idea for such an amazing month! Only a Saggittarian can think of something so liberating like this! :D

I thought to myself of all the things I'd like to get over! It forms a list! And here I go, dipping into that list and examining things one by one...

Swimming. I wish I could swim. I tried once a long time ago in school, and developed fear of water. I am ready to try it again, but not this year, or the next. Maybe after my trip to India. Right now, I don't see it as much of a priority on my list.

Singing. I can sing. Or at least, I reckon I can. And I want to. But lack the guts to do it for fear of sounding all off key and looking foolish. But this weekend might take care of that. For there is a christmas party with karaoke session at a good friend's place, and attendance means compulsarily singing. Hmmm. :)

A friendship gone awry. A long time ago, when I was in college, me and a very good friend of mine shared an apartment. We were close, we were inseparable. And then one fine day, we got into a misunderstanding. It was something that I did, which she misinterpreted to be something else, and I was so dazed and upset that she could think that way about me, that I never tried to explain. And because of that wounded ego, I let her go. And I never got closure. We'd meet in college and cross paths but would ignore each other. The awkwardness was terrible. 3 years of college ended and we completely disappeared from each other's lives. Just 2 weeks ago, we reconnected on Facebook. And I realised how much I had missed her and how much more easier it was to say all those things now, when the wisdom in my life had grown. So I got in touch, explained things from all those 12 years ago, and we laughed over it. She wished me on my birthday and made my day. We may not go on to rekindle the lost friendship to the full, but we hold no more grudges.

Feeling like a person. This is probably the most transforming thing that has happened for me as a result of Kay's post and theme for December. Her thoughts in it spoke to me long after I had finished reading it, and it has altered my attitude in the way that I feel sooooo much more open and willing to try new things. It made me realise what a RUT I had gotten into as a SAHM and made me want to break out of it and become fresh again. For instance, dressing up. There's not much need to dress up and look nice when the most outdoor thing that you see on a cold winter's day is the little trip to drop off my son to school, or at the most to pick up some groceries. Another instance, as a result of all my ideals to live simply and not get into the web of material wants, I had begun living like a hermit. In a way that was good as it served my ideals and proved to me that life can be kept very simple, but on the other hand, because I was not that spiritually advanced yet, I stopped feeling like a real person. With my own needs and wants. It just became all about the kids. I never thought much or cared about terms like losing one's identity until today. Today, I felt that I had let myself slip. I was living my life too intertwined with that of my kids and not enough for myself. Living for yourself is not selfishness. Its a necessary exercise to stay mentally healthy. So anyway, back to the hermit thing. I had become such a hermitess that I had forgotten how to even buy clothes for myself. I used to do that till last year. Refreshed wardrobe every few months. And now, nothing. The very thought of going shopping for myself was such an unpalatable proposition. (I know this is very hard to relate to, so just stick with me, I am coming to the point!)

Thinking about myself had become like a foreign feeling that its going to take getting used to again. But once in a way I want to do just that. I plan to go buy myself something nice to wear for that party. I'll go shopping on my own, just the way I used to and just swipe that credit card for material goods! *gasp*

Being in hibernation. Winter comes along and I seem to go into social hibernation. I begin to feel like its impossible to subject myself and my young ones to the brutal cold of the outside and so we stay cooped up at home and getting on each other's nerves. Add to that the feeling that I cannot go out much because its too hard to handle 2 kids by myself. What rubbish!! Kay, your post is making me see even this with a new eye. I am feeling more adventurous and willing to say to everything....WHY NOT? And so I am busy planning out Winkie's Christmas break of the next 10 days. I want to fill it as much as is logistically possible and keep our mornings busy and our afternoons light. I plan to call up old friends I haven't been in touch with in awhile and make plans to meet. I want to take him to the children's museum. So what if Thambi is around too. I am sure I can manage them both! At the most, the little one will cry because he is sleepy or hungry, that's all!

So Kay, that's my contribution to the awakening and liberating December. Your theme has made me look at myself in a new light and filled me up with renewed hope. I feel young and fearless and like everything is possible. Can I have this to keep forever? :D


Asha said...

I can swim for few mins. Arvind almost let me drown twice while "teaching" me!:P
Can't sing even to save my life!!
Keeping old friends still after all these yrs, thankfully.
Great post, makes you think, doesn't it?
Okay, now I go back to my cave to hibernate!!:D

Sandeepa said...

Wow Tharini, you have wuiet a list of things to try out. I loved the last bit. I tend to not go out too much during winter too

Kodi's Mom said...

I can understand and have been through a majority one of the points in your post, incl the 'buying for self' one. here's to a reJeuvenating January :)

Sheela said...

I totally understand the hermit tendency and losing one's identity, T. More than just cultural undertones, our personalities make us lean strongly towards pushing ourselves into the background and scorning any attempts at self-promotion, especially once we are blessed with motherhood. I am glad you are noticing the difference between opulence and necessary splurging on the self to maintain our sense of self-worth. Good Luck to you on that!

Kay said...

Dear another-saggi, You sure can!!!! :) You sure can feel young and fearless and 'everything is possible' forever.

Yayyyyyy...for rsvping positively for that party!!! And more yayyy! for picking up the courage to explain her about what happened. It takes a lot of guts to do that. Way to go, dear!!

And yayyy, for moving swimming to next year knowing your priorities. If possible, try to go for a small class or arrange a semi private instructor and tell him/her about your fear.. They'll help you get over it. Most of the fear of swimming comes because of the wrong type of teaching that is oh-so-common in India. My DH has a fear of swimming bcos he was thrown into the water to learn to swim. KWIM?

And for the most important thing, I'm soo proud of you for putting yourself first. :) Know what they tell about putting your own oxygen mask first and then helping your children on planes? Live your life how you'd want to. (Now somebody tell the same thing to me!!! I need a kick in a the rear!) Hugs Tharini. Go get a wow dress for yourself! :) I got a 'wow' winter-coat last week! :)

Winter and social hibernation is something that happens to me too... It's just so easy to take cover.. Guess what I'm doing now? Planning for a Pongal party! :) Kick that hibernation right on its face.

Almost similar post coming up soon. :)

Tharini said...

Asha : You covered everything! gooood. :)

Sandeepa : I guess hibernation is nature's own instinct then! :D

KM : Hear hear! Want to go shopping with me?

DR said...

Loved your way of putting your thoughts on paper....
wish you a wonderfullllllllly liberated 2008..


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