A new discovery!

[Note: Previously published on my blog: My Two Cents]

BOYS!!! From what S tells me, the whole sixth grade gang of girls has discovered them. Only as preteen girls of 11 and 12 can :) Some are "going steady" some have "boyfriends" and some, like S, just like a boy from afar. In her own words - "I only LIKE him. It's not like I LOVE him or anything. Or that I cannot live without him". Well, I am glad to see you still have your head on your shoulders honey :P What makes things more interesting is that T, the boy S likes, is "going out" with D who is one of S' good friends. But S claims that it doesn't bother her because she only likes T and doesn't expect him to like her back. Sigh! I never expected that kind of level-headed thinking from any of MY girls!!

This all came out last night when I mentioned in the passing that I had heard a girl we know, "A" (who is in sixth grade as well), had a boyfriend. I was immediately provided with the intricate details of who is going out with whom, who likes whom and who broke up with whom. After that session I could feel my head swimming. There is no way I can keep up with these preteens' busy social lives!

That also brought a question from S. "What would your reaction be if I told you that I have a boyfriend?" I can't say that I wasn't expecting it. Or I should say I was prepared with an answer - only, I was not expecting it this early. I told S I'd be fine with it as long as she doesn't hide it from me and her dad. I also wanted to tell her that if she feels ashamed or nervous about introducing a boy to us, he probably is not boyfriend material but I thought I'd leave that for later discussions. 

I know some of our friends will probably be shocked at the "westernized" way we are bringing our daughter up. Good Indian girls don't have boyfriends. They don't even know about the birds and the bees until they get married :) Okay, so they are not THAT innocent but going by the reaction of a few parents in our group, to mentions of boyfriends and kissing etc. it is clear that, according to them, Indian girls should maintain their "Indian-ness". They should not blindly follow the western culture. Never mind that they are living in the freaking middle of the said culture. And truthfully, I have come across plenty of American moms who are pretty worried about keeping their girls away from boys. One such mom mentioned to me that she doesn't remind her daughter about a friend (who is a boy, of course) whom she grew up with because, FRANKLY, she doesn't want her thinking about boys yet.

Edited to add: On second thought, maybe some of these friends don't exactly think that an Indian girl should not have a boyfriend. Maybe they, like me, think it is too early at 11/12 to think of boyfriends. But I say you cannot stop them from thinking. You can only control your reaction to it and with it, hopefully, still make your kids secure enough to come and confide in you.

Well, I have news for you mom!! If your daughter is a sixth grader, she IS thinking about boys. She was probably thinking about them in fifth grade too. (I had my first crush at the ripe old age of 10!!) Maybe she still has that innocence and isn't thinking of having a boyfriend yet, but the other girls around her ARE thinking and talking about boys so, believe me, your daughter is too. In that case wouldn't it be better to keep the communication channels open and LET your daughter talk (and think out loud) about boys a little? Just so you can provide a little guidance to her at an age when she needs it the most. Now, I think this American mom is pretty cool and is probably already doing all this. (S thinks she is AWESOME!!!!!! - all the exclamation marks and the bold print intended :P) Maybe she just mentioned it to me as the way of expressing an opinion about such young girls dating. But I do see this attitude in many other parents - specially within our Indian circle. NO boys! NO sex! NO drugs! NO alcohol! Well, I do agree that our kids are better off without the latter three. But I am not naive enough to believe that just because I say no, my child will comply. So I make sure that I say no, I explain why and then I also tell her that she can still come to me if she does slip and make a mistake. I tell her it is okay to talk about ANYTHING with me. I show her that she can talk to me about anything by not having a strong negative reaction to something she tells me, no matter how much it shocks me. By making her feel secure that no matter what she says to me, I will not judge her.

One couple is determined to return to India by the time their older child turns 6 or 7 just because "the Western influence spoils the kids here and then they are no longer under your control". I could argue against this point on so many levels! First - Western influence spoils the kids??! For the record, I have seen enough American kids who have their heads screwed on right, and have the right priorities. I have also seen Indian kids born and brought up in America who make the right choices and have some sense. I know that kids in India are not entirely free of the "Western influence". There are as much drugs and sex problems among teens in India as there are here. Second - WHY would you want your kids under your (absolute) control?? [The friend in question mentioned that in India neighbors and relatives can help you keep an eye on the kids and report everything they do, to you. That IS absolute control in my opinion] Your job as a parent should be to teach them the right values, point them in the right direction and let them find their own path. And be there to support them when they stumble or fall. Your job, as a parent, is NOT to MAKE their path for them. Or to be the sentry on that path, keeping a strict eye and preventing them from making any mistakes. In my opinion, mistakes help us grow as a person, but that is neither here nor there and certainly not the point of this post. Third - do they expect their kids to escape all these influences in India??! And do they think they cannot influence their own kids during their formative years here, in America?? Kids look up to us a lot more than they let on, really.

So, to come back to the post, S and I talked about a lot of things.  At one point she told me about a girl in her class who has already been "through FIVE boyfriends!!" I took that opportunity to explain to S that given their age and inexperience in life in general, it IS a good idea not to bind yourself to or to go steady with just one person. If you don't hang out with a number of friends (who are boys), how WILL you know if the boy you like and want to go steady with, IS your kind of boy? 

I also met with her guidance counselor at school to discuss some recent teasing S had been subjected to. When I told him that S had come to me and told me about the teasing his first comment was "You must be doing a great job if your daughter still comes to you to discuss her problems at this age". It hit me then! Maybe my attempts at keeping the communication channels open ARE working! All I need to do now is KEEP them open. 

Easier said than done!

What about you? How do you keep the communication going between yourself and your children? What would your reaction be if your 11 year old daughter came to you and said she likes a boy? Or if your 12 year old son came and told you he likes a girl? What DO you think about middle school kids and dating? I personally think it is too early at 11 or 12 but I also know that my saying so will not deter them. (Having friends of the opposite sex is okay in my eyes) Share your strategies with me. I am new at this "parenting a preteen" gig!!

Why I am not scared of Barbie anymore

Crossposted at my other blog: My Two Cents

When I had my daughter, the older one, I was scared like many other mothers of little girls. Scared of the influence that Barbie was going to have on my little, innocent baby with her unrealistic proportions and the standards of beauty that she projected. My husband and I were also very worried about the influence that "American culture" would have on her if we stayed in this country. We came here with the intention of staying for 7-8 years and then returning to India. I didn't want to (for various unrelated reasons) but I was ready to make that sacrifice for the good of my kid.

American kids call 911 when their parents try to discipline them, we were told. And many other horror stories that involved drugs or sex or both. Statistics on teenage pregnancies and children born out of wedlock. We were adequately terrified of the culture we were stepping into.

Then we gradually met other people, made friends. A few among these had been in the US for a long time. Almost over 20 years. Some had grown kids. Some had teenagers. And when we saw some of these teenage kids, it was a shock to us. They were far better behaved and family oriented than the teenagers we had recently seen back in India! Slowly, after talking to these kids and their parents I realized that it was possible to impart my values to my kids even though the outside influence would be considerable. That is all I gathered. How to accomplish that? I had no idea. But over time I realized that the main key to keeping your child under your influence is communication. Good old "talking at the dinner table". And much much more talking than that. In the car on your way to school or swim practice, at bed time, during bath time, on lazy weekend mornings, and of course when your child wanted to talk to you. But this is just one part. Another is showing them through your actions what your values are. A small example. J & I don't curse. Well, almost never. Neither does S. She picked it up from us.

At first I was so against Barbies and the culture of narcissism they portrayed that I refused to buy any Barbies for S. One day, a friend excitedly told S that she had received a brand new Barbie as a gift. And S innocently asked "What is that?". The mother of her friend looked pityingly at me and said "Oh she doesn't have any?" I felt bad - for S. But I was used to such comments from parents when they'd just assume S didn't have something because we couldn't afford it.

Alert: digression ahead!

Once we went to a party where a lot of kids S' age (she was about 4.5 then) had been invited. She met a boisterous boy about a year younger to her and they got famously along. Here in the US when that happens, a mother's antennae promptly go up "BOING!!" with a "Play date alert". Which means - immediately get friendly with the parent(s) of the little kid your kid is having fun with so that you can setup play dates for them. So the boy's mother and I started talking. Casual conversation about how old is he/she, where was he/she born, does he/she go to preschool etc. During the conversation, the topic of TV viewing came up. I told her that S' TV time was severely restricted to a half hour of viewing every other day and none over the weekends. And that I didn't allow her to watch Cartoon Network or Disney channel. I was only comfortable letting her watch the public television programming for kids which I still feel is much better than these other commercial channels. (A separate post-worthy topic). She said "Oh my son's favorite TV show is 'The Wiggles' ". I knew who the Wiggles were and which channel the show was aired on (Disney) but as I said, I always felt "Dragon Tales" and "Arthur" (her favorite program at that time) were much better than "Teletubbies" or "The Wiggles" etc. Call it reverse snobbery but that is the way I felt. But I never snobbishly aired my views on this matter to other parents - to each her/his own, right? But this mom? She turns to me immediately after she declared what her son's favorite program was and goes "Do you know who the Wiggles are? Oh that's right! You don't get Disney channel!" and promptly turned her back to me and ignored me for the rest part of the party. (Or was it me who ignored her? Hmmmm...)

Needless to say, no play dates with that kid materialized. And I am still fuming, a good five years later, because I didn't get a chance to set the record straight with that mother (that we do get Disney channel, but I don't let my daughter watch it). Thank God for blogs! Therapy would have been costlier.

Digression over.

Anyway, so as I said, many parents just assume(d) that if S isn't allowed to do something it is probably because we can't afford it. I have learnt to tolerate this irrational deduction on their part. But at that time, when the mother wondered if S didn't have any Barbies because we probably couldn't afford to buy her one, it hurt like hell. I came home and discussed it with J. By that time I had cooled down. We decided we didn't want to buy her Barbies just because we were afraid of what people thought of us. So, life went on without Barbies. But not for long.

The "Barbie Home Invasion" began sometime when she was 4. I don't remember who gifted her the first Barbie - it was either J's friend who came visiting and brought a Mermaid Barbie with him or J's parents, brother and SIL who sent a sari-clad Barbie for her. Now I am not the kind who would return a lovingly bought gift if I don't want it. So we kept the dolls and even let S play with them occasionally. I think that was a good decision - S really had fun playing with them and wasn't as hung up on them as she would have been had she been deprived of them (I think). Slowly S started accumulating more Barbies. Gifts for her birthdays, return gifts at birthday parties and one or two purchased by her parents (**GASP**) for her. I felt as if everyone we invited for her birthday party went "Hmmmm. What would a little girl like? I know! BARBIE!!!!!" I wondered if it ever occurred to them that the little girl might also like a board game or two. Or a jump rope, or an Art set. Or books! Why not books? But Barbies it was - for two straight years! She now has about 20 Barbies. All safely tucked away in a carton that we packed them in when we moved to this house two years ago. She hasn't asked for them yet. We WILL bring them out when M is ready to play with them. By the way, when S was about 6 or 7, she officially declared to me "Mommy, I think I am over princesses. I don't like them anymore". Whew!!

It wasn't only Barbies that worried me sick. It was this whole culture of perfect bodies, perfect clothes, "daring" clothes, daring choices that scared me sh**less. Hearing stories about kids demanding expensive clothes, newest gadgets, latest toys and extreme privileges built up a trepidation in my heart about the coming years. "Peer pressure" became a four-letter word. I stressed out about S growing up to be like those other girls who were just preoccupied with themselves and their looks. Living for that next dress, or makeover party. Becoming a self centered kid, then teenager and then adult. What if she realized one day that we really can't make her do everything we want? All this terrified me.

Talking to other parents (of older kids), seeing them in action and seeing their kids kind of clarified things for me. I saw kids I was terrified S would turn into. And I saw kids I aspired for S to become. And I saw their parents. Compared them. I looked at my own childhood and tried to compare things. Tried to remember how my parents handled different things. It wasn't as if I sat down one day and created a spreadsheet. It was a continuous thing - always going on in my head. 24/7.

Slowly I realized there was no fixed answer. All the parents were the same - trying to do their best for their kids. Some just lacked the basic parenting skills. Among them, some were ineffective disciplinarians, some were so conflicted among themselves that their kids caught on to that and played them against each other, some were indulgent (more than they should have been) and some were so strict that their kids suffocated and were bound to rebel to break free one day. Well, how could I make sure I wasn't doing any of this? I couldn't. So there came a time when I chucked all the analyses and decided to -

1) Treat my kids as individuals (I have seen many parents make the mistake of not doing so and that gives rise to discontentment and future problems in the kids) and respect their feelings however trivial or silly they seemed to me

2) Be their parent and NOT their friend. Yes, I had to be friendLY so they wouldn't feel I was out to get them. But my job was to set limits and enforce them. To assign responsibilities and expect them to be carried out. To BE responsible and teach by example.

3) Go with the flow. I'd take each parenting challenge as it came and figure out how to deal with it.

I am still figuring things out. But I have found that talking helps (as I mentioned earlier). And saying sorry when I have hurt S' feelings definitely helps. And not yelling helps. Not being judgmental helps. I have noticed she comes and fesses up with me because I give her a fair chance. I never promise I'll not get upset if she tells me what she has done (yes, she has tried getting me to promise!) I just tell her that I will hear her out and then decide how to react. I do promise her that won't yell. Many times it has turned out that I actually didn't need to get upset. At times she had done something that did upset me and she faced the consequences for that (being grounded, having to write sorry notes, having privileges taken away etc.) But even at those times I told her how proud I was of her that even though she knew it would make me upset, she came to me and told me everything. After the first time it happened, I wondered if she would ever come to me again. To my surprise she did. Still does. I guess she is confident that I will hear her out completely before I make up my mind. And I think the thing that scares her the most is if I yell. As I have ruled that out of the consequences, she finds it easier to come to me and confess. I just keep my fingers crossed and hope she will continue to do so as she grows up.

Another thing I have learnt is to choose carefully what I am going to stress about. I have decided I will definitely keep on my toes where issues like drugs, safety, sex and education are concerned. I don't get worked up if she wants to apply lip gloss. I don't like it, but I still allow her. She still isn't allowed to wear it to school but she is allowed to "dress up" if we are going to some one's house. She isn't allowed to carry it with her so once it is gone, she doesn't reapply it (which means she is out there having fun and is not just concerned with how she looks all the time). She asked for bikini style panties once and I absolutely didn't want to let her buy those. She would have followed my "orders" but I let her buy them. She wore them for a few days and declared she didn't really like them because they weren't comfortable. That is what I want to develop in her. She should try things out and then use her head to decide if she wants/ likes it or not instead of following the herd. Well, the "try things out" strategy is definitely NOT for drugs and sex. It is fine for clothes and makeup and fashion trends.

I still worry about peer pressure and I know my only defense against that is to keep MY communication channels open with her. I know I can't be with her all the times. I have stiff competition ahead with her peers, specially as she goes into middle school. I am trying my best to give her the right foundation of values so when the time comes, she is prepared to handle the pressure. And I will keep letting her know that I am right here if she wants to talk, or if something goes wrong or if she just needs a sounding board.

That said, I also believe in teaching kids the age-appropriateness of various things. Like wearing thongs might be OK for me, but it isn't for her. Wearing makeup to work is fine for me, but she can't wear makeup to school. Along with age-appropriateness, I have also tried to teach her that different families have different rules and just because one of her friends is allowed to do something or has been able to buy something doesn't mean she will too. Her request will be evaluated based on our family's rules. (God! I sound so managerial :D)

I also believe in relaxing rules little by little as kids grow older. One example is of eating candies. S was not given any candy till she was 2.5 years old. When she started going to preschool, she discovered candy. Instead of taking it away from her and forbidding her from ever eating it again, I told her that she could eat one if she got permission from me or J first. She was allowed one candy on one day of the weekend. As she grew older, and her (good) eating habits became firmly established, I relaxed that rule little by little. Now she could eat a candy on alternate days IF she followed up by eating something healthy. And so on. These days she knows she can eat candy anytime but she also knows that she can't eat candy for lunch or dinner, and that she still has to follow up with a healthy snack. I never had to lock candies or put them high on a shelf even when S was little. I did put them away when she had friends came over because they didn't have the same level of discipline as S did. Even now, if you walk in our home, you will find candy filled containers on our kitchen counters. I hope I don't ever have to lock the candy away even for M. Because I believe not in restrictng them, but in teaching them to recognize the limits. Candy is just one example. I want this to be the case for every temptation in life they will come across.

There is a lot more to parenting and I am still figuring it out. Over the years I have learnt that kids usually imbibe values from their parents - even if they don't like to admit it. And that is my beacon of hope.

Now I have realized that my child will play with Barbie but she will pick up the subtle messages about a supposedly perfect body that Barbie is sending out only if I train her to listen to those. I didn't. So she doesn't. I have realized that it IS possible to let my daughter play with Barbies but keep her interested in outdoor games, math, science and scrabble. Barbie is just another toy for her - nothing more. So I have made my peace with Barbie, and Ken and other assorted Disney princesses and their respective princes. They can stay in my house and play with my kids, but its still MY house and MY rules!

Dear Me!

Dear Cee,

You are going through a tough time right now. You need this letter. I would normally not write such a letter, but right now I feel you could use one. I know at times you feel you are slipping back into depression. You are fighting the battle of the bulge (and Oh! What a bulge it is!!), worried that you will develop Type 2 diabetes or a heart condition if you don't lose all that weight. You desparately want to be here to watch your lovely daughters grow up. I am writing this letter to tell you that I believe in you. You can do it. You are a determined woman - there is nothing you can't do, if you put your mind to it.

I know you often wonder if your family even needs you. Everything that you do for your family can easily be done by a maid as well. Let me tell you this - no maid could do it as lovingly as you do. Yes, the work can be done. But only you put your heart in it. No one else will. Only you can love your daughters the way you do. No one else can anticipate their needs like you do even before they realize they need something. No one will go to the lengths that you do for your daughters. Remember? You said you would NEVER go for IVF. But you did. Why? Because the older one was miserable being an only child and you couldn't watch her pain. You, who was (and still is) scared to death of needles. You jabbed yourself with needles for two whole cycles just because you wanted to try your best for your older daughter's sake. You were lucky that the second cycle took - even though the doctor had warned you that it most probably wouldn't. But it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't gathered the courage to take that first appointment.

We both know that you are not perfect. Heck, you never even conciously thought about having kids! When J asked you if you were ready to start a family, you asked for two months to make up your mind and to prepare yourself emotionally and mentally for motherhood. Until you had S, you had never seen a newborn, leave alone held one in your arms. But motherhood came naturally to you (or so you like to think!). You instinctively knew how to hold your baby, how to care for her, what could make her uncomfortable and what would comfort her. So much so that you often stood up against everybody else. You stood your ground when everyone else around you (except the pediatrician) said you didn't need to boil the bottles for 20 minutes, and what a waste of fuel it was. You stood your ground for trivial things like not sweetening all your baby's food and for non-trivial ones like discipline. Over time, everyone in the family has come to respect your parenting skills.

But you and I both know that you are still a long way form "Parent of the Year" award. You are impatient. At times you are short tempered. You sometimes yell, even though you always say sorry for it later. You are a tough disciplinarian - which is good but you do need to learn to let go at times, dear. I have to say though - you have changed yourself so much in the last few years. You were a worry wart. Stressed out so very easily. A control freak who just worried about getting everything done exactly the way it should be done and never seemed to find time for fun. You didn't know how to live in the moment. Now? You have learned to manage your stress, you worry less and have let go of so many control issues that sometimes you wish you had some. I must say you are constantly trying to improve yourself - at least as a parent. Keep up the good work! I'll be right there, by the sidelines - cheering you on.

Lovingly yours,

Cee

Introductory solids

Note: I have posted this on my personal blog My Two Cents as well.

On my post on Month 4 update, I got many comments to share the food I gave S. I need to remember all that and document it for my reference too. Hence this post.

I don't remember too much from that time - after all, it has been over 8 years. But I do remember some of it. One thing I remember is that I wanted to start S on better eating habits from the beginning. I don't know if I have mentioned this before or not, but I have mostly based my parenting on how two particular kids were raised. One was my cousin's daughter, who lived with her grandparents (nana-nani) for the most part of first three years of her life (she is still living with them for that matter) - I shall call her N for the rest of this post. And the second kid is my nephew - J's elder brother's son. Lets call him S2. N had very good eating habits (she ate everything except peas) while S2 still is very picky and fussy about food. Now I don't know when N was started on solids, but I do know that even as an 18 month old toddler she knew she was supposed to eat whatever was placed in front of her on the dinner table. So, that told me it IS possible to discipline and cultivate good eating habits in an 18 month old and I applied that knowledge to my parenting when S arrived.

Anyway, coming back to the topic of discussion - eating habits. Or rather – developing good ones in kids. I believe it is very important to introduce babies to varied tastes and textures in order to develop good eating habits. At an early stage they don’t know enough to be picky. Or maybe, at an early age they are more open to new things. More eager to try out new things. Till now it was only my personal opinion, but from the comments I received for my earlier post I am beginning to believe that it is correct.

When I started S on solids, I kept a few things in mind –

1. The food had to be easy on a delicate stomach. If I had any doubts, I started it at a later age.

2. No sugar, no salt and of course, no other spices. Reason for not adding salt is very specific – at an early age, the babies’ kidneys are not fully equipped to handle it. No ghee or any other fats for similar reasons (digestive system is not fully developed to handle them).

3. I stuck with one food for two to three days to make sure S wasn’t having any adverse reaction to it.

4. No refined flour until the age of 8-9 months. That means nothing made out of maida.

5. I started fruits later – after 5 months.

6. No fruit juice until 1 year of age and only 2-3 ounces even after that.

7. ABSOLUTELY NO CANDY/CHOCOLATE.

8. I started giving her water (boiled and cooled) pretty early – from 3 months of age or so. I used to give her a few sips of water after every feed of formula. Despite pressure from my ILs to give her sweetened water, I didn’t budge and gave her only plain water. As a result she is a good “water drinker”. She prefers water to soda and juice. She does like juice but doesn’t like soda at all.

Now, on to the food that I cooked for her.

Lentil Soup: Took a handful of lentils (red – Masoor Dhuli or yellow – Moong Dhuli) and boiled them in lots of water (about 8 times by volume) until it was thoroughly cooked. Then I would just pour out the water into a bowl and feed it to S. This was when I had just started her on the soups. Later, as her digestive system became stronger, I reduced the amount of water and slowly started giving her the lentils along with the water they were cooked in. I didn’t add any salt or other spices until she was 8 months old or so. You can delay adding these a little more if you want.

Rice water: Same recipe as that for lentil soup. Though later, I never gave S plain rice. I made a very thin “khichdi” with one part rice and 3 parts lentils added to 6 (or maybe more) parts of water. Again, no salt or fat or other spices for at least 8 months.

Upma: Actually – not really! I just dry-roasted some semolina and then cooked it with water to a thin consistency. Not exactly the recipe for a mouth-watering upma :P This time with M, I roast the sooji and take it off the stove. While it is still hot, I add warm formula to it so it cooks and softens. I add enough formula to make it into a running consistency.

Boiled vegetables: started with one vegetable at a time. Then as her digestive system grew stronger, moved up to two or more veggies boiled and mashed together. Some “popular” items were – Lauki (bottle gourd/ white squash), carrots, peas, “turai” (I don’t know what is the English name for this), potatoes and later various combinations of these (and I also added tomatoes then). This time I intend to try out zucchini, spinach (added to other veggies, not alone. And later – maybe after 6 months or so), green beans (boiled, mashed and strained to filter out the fibrous material). One item S particularly liked later on was potatoes and tomatoes boiled and mashed together (the thin skin of tomatoes removed) with a little bit of ghee and salt.

Fuits: Early on, at about 5 or 6 months of age, I gave S only 2 fruits. Mashed bananas, and apples that were peeled, cored, sliced and boiled with a little milk (to soften them up) and mashed. Later I also started giving her Chikoo and Mangoes, mainly in thin milk-shake form and sometimes as purees. This was when she had turned about 7 months old. This time I will also try peaches and nectarines. And maybe some other fruits as M grows older. I would hopefully have introduced most of the fruits before she turns one year old. And I will definitely introduce juices after I have introduced at least some fruits.

Two more items S enjoyed as breakfast were: 1) Semolina toasts soaked in milk and pureed, and 2) plain corn flakes (no sugar variety) soaked in warm milk and pureed. I used to rotate between these two items and a mashed banana or mango for breakfast. As a result she ate different breakfast every day without having to repeat it for at least 4 days. Same thing happened with the rest of her food – with so many choices available, she hardly ate the same food the next day. As she grew older, choices increased and it became easier to give her varied foods.

This time I have a few other options available as well – eggs, cheerios, oatmeal etc. (when M grows older)

Judging from a couple of emails that I have exchanged with a few bloggers, I think I should get this post out on my blog as soon as possible. So I am going to post it as is, and will put up a follow-up post if I think of something else. I do have some ideas already which I think I will add in the next post. Hope this helps someone. I’d like to add one “disclaimer” – whatever I did or think of doing now is NOT absolute. It is based on MY kids’ tastes and preferences (I have already found out that M’s preferences differ from those of S). You can, and should make changes to the recipes according to your baby’s taste and preferences. No one knows them better than you do.

We finally dared!

Posted by Cee Kay of My Two Cents. This is also cross posted on my personal blog.

In the 12 years that we have been married, J and I have NEVER gone out on New Year's Eve. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? We are more of homebodies than we would actually care to admit. At first we didn't go out because we were living with my husband's parents and they kind of frowned upon it. By the time we came to America, we had S and we didn't go out because we didn't want to disrupt her routine. Besides, we liked the coziness of our house compared to the chilly air outside. Now we have M too, so going out on New Year's eve is unthinkable. Or so one would assume.

Today, after I came back from work, it suddenly occurred to me that I didn't really want to be stuck at home eating leftovers for dinner. So I managed to convince J to take us out for dinner. Initially we planned to go to an Indian restaurant but cancelled the plans when we called them and were told that the restaurant was packed. Then we decided to go to Bertucci's - an Italian restaurant. We were still concerned about how M will behave as she was already tired and starting to get cranky. But this baby of ours is a social animal - we realized long time back.

So we just got ready quickly and left. M behaved really well for most of the time. She only started getting restless towards the end and we were ready to leave by then. I have found a trick to minimizing her tantrums when we go out. I DON'T feed her before leaving. Yes. That's right! And that is because she loves to eat. So I feed her when we get where we are going. That always works well and always gives us some time before she gets cranky.

All in all, we had a good time tonight. So this was our "Dare to" project this December - to give me fodder for this month's theme! I had a completely different post in mind but hadn't gotten around to writing it. Then, while returning from the restaurant, it hit me that this fits the theme better. So, now you know what we never did before today and dared to do today :D

From a budding chef's kitchen

[Crossposted at My Two Cents]

Note: I posted this on my blog some time ago. Thanks to Sandeepa who reminded me to post it here for Kids Food Festival :)

Lately there have been more updates about M than there have been about S and while that is natural, it isn't fair. So here is a tid-bit about S.

She created this snack ALL ON HER OWN!! She took foods that she likes - bread, butter, sugar, chocolate syrup, chocolate chips and bananas and put them together to create a yummy (her words, not mine) snack! I leave you with a mouth watering picture of the same. :D

For the record, I have tasted it sans the chocolate chips and chocolate syrup (did I ever tell you I HATE chocolate flavor - except in a cake??) and it indeed was very, very, very delicious. S is proud of the fact that this is a very healthy recipe because it has whole grain bread and a fruit! I really loved the look of pride on her face when she presented this snack to me and later when I photographed it.

Hope to keep this interest alive and maybe she will be competing on "Top Chef" one day.... :D

KUMON: How and why it works for us

[Crossposted at My Two Cents]

(Note: I haven't been able to post for this month's theme or for the Kids' Food Festival. Things are sorta crazy at my end, so please bear with me. I read all the posts, but don't get to comment on all of them for the same reason.)

Some time back I wrote a post on how parents sometimes push their kids unnecessarily to achieve academic excellence. In that post, I also mentioned KUMON - a chain of individually owned math and reading learning centers. One reader left a link in the comment section for an article that discusses a few drawbacks of the KUMON way of teaching math. I read that whole article twice - I swear! I agree with parts of it and there are parts (regarding trigonometry and calculus etc.) that we haven't gone through yet so those don't apply to us. Yet. I highly recommend that you read this article if you are thinking about signing up your kid(s) at KUMON. I am not going to discuss the article here. I am merely writing what works for us in the KUMON method. I am not saying it will, or should, work for other parents too. Every kid is different and what works for S might not work even for M, a few years from now. So, please take everything I am going to write with a grain of salt. Research the options out for yourself and then decide.

S started KUMON math program in August 2003, just before she started Kindergarten. I came to know about it through a friend who sent her son to a center for a brief time. S was a quiet kid from the beginning and we thought being good at something, like math, will give her self-esteem a boost. In the long term, we HAVE been proven correct. Also, I had heard that due to various factors, girls here lose interest in math and sience by the time they get to middle school. I was determined to prevent that from happening to my daughter. I wasn't going to let math become a "monster" to be afraid of. So, this is why our KUMON journey started.

Soon after she started, S began struggling with the homeworks. She would do all correctly, but would take 45 minutes or more to complete each homework. We began worrying if we pushed her in it too early because there is no way 45 minutes of homework is going to be good for a 5 year old. Thankfully, the owner of the franchise that S attended agreed with us. She said it should only take a child 5-7 minutes per homework, and no more than 10-12 minutes even if they take too long. So she reduced the number of pages that S was getting per homework. Once the load decreased, S also began taking more interest in doing her homework again. So, it has been this way ever since - we reduce the number of pages in her homework if she starts taking too long to finish and slowly increase it again once she finds a balance.

Another thing we always made sure of was to never push S into finishing a level fast. We let her take her own time and even let her repeat a level if she takes too long in that level's test (the objective is to complete one page in 1-3 minutes). After all, she is the one who will benefit if she masters the concepts at one level before advancing to the next one. Also, having to repeat a level has never been associated with failure in Kay household. It just indicates that some more time is needed to master the concepts. We do, however, try positive reinforcement to keep her motivated. So, every time S completes a level at KUMON, she gets to buy a board game or a book of upto $15 dollars in value. We are very rigid in enforcing the "board game or book" part. No soft toys, no video games or anything of that sort. She really looks forward to these opportunities. She only gets this gift if she has finished the level for good and doesn't have to repeat it. There are no penalties for repeating a level except that she has to wait longer to buy her gift.

Every year, when we mention that S is in the KUMON math program, her teachers ask us the same questions. How do we keep her interested (because it does tend to get repititive)? And since she is clearly ahead of grade level in math, how do we keep her interested in school work? For the first question, our answer is "Because we never gave her an option. KUMON homeworks are not optional, and she knows that. And, since she can herself see the progress she is making, she willingly does it now." As for the second question, we have noticed that the math that she learns at school is usually complementary to the math she does at KUMON. So, since KUMON math program doesn't really have many word-problems, the school curriculum helps her practice that part. KUMON math does not cover money math concepts while her school curriculum did. And, school curriculum also helps her revise the parts that she did long time ago at KUMON and has forgotten by now. For example, when she was doing multiplication in KUMON, her class teacher was still teaching subtraction. That helped because S was beginning to lose subtraction skills for lack of practice. And this year, she finishes her math classwork and then goes ahead and does extra with her teacher's permission. Which, in my opinion, shows a "will to learn" - a very important ingradient of success.

In my opinion, this is also teaching her a few other things. One - you have to do what you have to do. Meaning, even if you already know multiplication (or any other skill that is currently being taught in class), you have to do it as part of the school curriculum. You CANNOT get out of doing it just because you already know it. Two - never be smug about your math skills because though there are things you are very good at, there are some other skills that you need to work on, just like other kids. (Example - her struggles with money math last year) Three - practice makes perfect. This one she has experienced for herself and now realizes its importance (I hope!)

Almost everyone in our social circle, who has ever sent their kids to KUMON at one time or the other, has mentioned to us how their kids used to get "bored" with math at their school because they were ahead of the rest of their class. Most of them cited "boredom" as a reason for dropping out of the KUMON math program. I don't know why. As I mentioned earlier, it hasn't happened to S. And if it has, she hasn't mentioned to us - which is just as good because we would still have made her do it. "Bored" is a word I don't entertain. No way, no how! I know, I sound like a tyrant. Heck! I am a tyrant when it comes to studies. I know that is THE ONLY TICKET TO SUCCESS my daughters have. S does mention it when KUMON begins to become a burden of sorts. Then we let her take a break for a week or so. Every year, she gets a break form KUMON for one week each in summer and winter. And sometimes an extra week here or there if we feel (or if she says) it is becoming too much for her. That, I guess, prevents it from becoming a huge burden. By now, KUMON is a way of life for her. She remembers to do the homework every day without us having to remind her. I hope this will continue into her middle school and high school years. Because the skills that KUMON is teaching her reach far beyond just success in math. The discipline will definitely help her in other avenues in life. The skill to understand concepts on her own (of course she takes our help when she gest stuck) is going to prove important later in college. The perseverance she is learning in understanding tricky math concepts will pay off later in life.

Coming back to the article - I agree KUMON is not perfect. Nothing is. But we work hard at making it work for us. Like everything else in life. Nothing comes your way custom-made and ready to fit. You have to tuck here, nip there.

The author of the article suggests that parents should do every homework themselves along with the kids. I agree, but not completely. You don't need to do every single homework. You do need to know how to solve those problems and be able to explain to your kid(s) if the need arises. Having solved the problems yourself a few times does come in handy when you have to explain it to someone else.

We had signed S up for KUMON's reading program as well and she attended it for over 3 years. But then we learnt about SCORE's writing program. We liked the program and wanted to try it out. S loved it and even made some remarkable progress in her writing skills. but we had to take her off of the program. There were a few reasons. One - they weren't offering Writing as a stand-alone program. They wanted us to opt for the whole Math-Reading-Writing package. Since we were already very happy with the KUMON math and reading program, we decided not to join SCORE. Two - and this one was a biggie for me, I am not sure if other parents will feel the same way as I do - the SCORE program is COMPLETELY computer based. I mean, even the "writing" that S did was on a computer. Now, call me old-fashioned, but I believe a child should learn how to write well before graduating to typing. And, with all the typing, S was losing her handwriting skills fast. At KUMON, she is required to write everything - math answers as well as answers to the questions in her reading material. I like it that way. As I said - nothing is perfect. You have to work at making things fit you. We tried but we weren't able to compromise on these two issues regarding the SCORE program. I think we might give it another try a few years from now when S is done with KUMON (one can hope, right? :P)

OTC Infant Cough & Cold Medicine Recall

[Also posted at my personal blog]

Several makers of OTC (Over the counter) Oral infant cough and cold medicines voluntarily recalled their products. This has created a panic in parents and I have received at least 3 emails from different sources. But the recall has been done voluntarily and is NOT mandatory or a safety recall, which means it is NOT due to a defective product. Here is what I found on a website that has information about Over-The-Counter drug safety:

The voluntary withdrawal of OTC oral infant cough and cold medicines was initiated by the makers of those medications out of an abundance of caution. This is not a mandatory recall or a safety issue.

• Kids’ OTC cough and cold medicines are both safe and effective when used correctly. Rare cases of overdose from misuse, however, have occurred—particularly in infants less than two years of age.

• Infants under the age of two are the most vulnerable to the consequences of this misuse.

• The voluntary withdrawal only affects oral infant cough and cold medications. It does not affect any other children’s medicines.

• OTC pediatric cough and cold medicines affected by this voluntary withdrawal are listed in the right column of this page, or visit http://www.otcsafety.org/.

I think these companies have taken a big, admirable step towards implementing safety where OTC drugs for infants are concerned. I can imagine the financial setback they will experience because this WAS a big market.

I do have a rather strong opinion about what necessitated this recall and maybe I WILL do a post on it - if I get the time. In short, I feel some parents tend to over-medicate children and THAT has compelled these companies to recall their perfectly safe products. It also means a slight inconvenience for parents who turn to these drugs only when totally necessary and at times when it is not possible to get a prescription from a doctor. Oh well. I am ready to go through that inconvenience if it means some other babies will be safer now.

Krazy Kays & their Knack for Krazy Knicks

Heh! Couldn't think of a "kornier" title :D

[Posted by CeeKay at My Two Cents Too]

Note: I had so much fun writing this post that I decided to "pollute" the club-space with it too :D

I thought I was tagged by someone to list all the silly (and embarrassing, in our case) nick names that we have given to our kids but patrolled the blog sphere up and down three times and still couldn't find the "tagger". So I am taking up the tag on my own because I just loved the idea (of publicly embarrassing my children)!! But if there is someone who indeed tagged me for this, please own up and appropriate credits shall be given!

Mitthi (translated to Punjabi, means "sweet") and Ninni (means "sleep" in kidspeak and can be taken as a twisted form of "naani" meaning "little" in Gujarati) are their “official” nick names. Simple, sweet and harmless. Then I also call S “Sweetie Mitthi Pie” and Mitthi Mouse while Ninni gets called by the nick "Cheeni* Ninni Pie" and Ninni The Pooh (created by big sis). Their Kaka (dad's bro) calls them “Dudu” and dadi has reserved the name “Ghappoodi” :D

* Cheeni: Sugar

Other nick names I use for them are – “Koochie koo” and Chikoo which has now turned into “Chika Mika Pika”. Then there is Sweetums, Jhagdoo (someone who fights a lot), Jhagdoo-Magdoo (you can see my penchant for rhyming here, can’t you? :D Another rarely used but embarrassing name is “Susu-Potty Baba” which came from the fact that this is what they did most of the time during the first three months of their life :P The credit goes to their dad.

Now on to the reeeally embarrassing nick names. There is a story behind them so I will narrate it first. Without it, those nicks just won’t make sense. When we were newly married, one day I called J “Sadela Gubrela” (Rotten beetle). Now J has a knack for playing with words. He can transform the sweetest, most innocent word into something wacky and funny in an instant. So pat came the reply “Sadeli Goo Bhareli”. To those unfamiliar with the middle classy word, it means poop (literally) and the last word means “full of” in Gujarati. So “sadela Gubrela” became “Sadela Goo Bharela” and then we applied this nick name to S (Poor, poor kid! Now you understand why I am saving for her therapy?) She is a good sport and didn’t throw a fit when we explained the meaning to her when she was old enough to understand. When M came home from the hospital, S very generously decided to share that nick name with her. She said she will keep the first part (“Sadeli") for herself, and generously hand over the second part (Goo Bhareli) to her little sis. Only, she mistakenly said “Goo Dhareli” instead of “Goo Bhareli" thanks to her broken Hindi. Now, I might not have the knack for witty/wacky names, but I do have a knack for translating ones that don’t have an apparent meaning. So I translated the second one as “Sitting like a poop” ( I know, I know – this post shouldn’t even have seen the light of the day) as “Dhareli” in Gujarati can be loosely translated to “dumped” in some instances. So now we have a Goo Bhareli and a Goo Dhareli in our house. And S has now generously donated “Sadeli/Sadela” to her mom and dad.

Remind me to start a savings account for M’s therapy too, will you?

Edited to add: S has made up a song with the most embarrassing nick name for M. It goes like this -

Ninni, Ninni, Bahut Sadeli

Also known as Goo Dhareli

(Yup! She got the genes!!!)

Oh, and I tag all the moms (and dads, if any) in this club who haven't taken up this tag already, and who don't mind embarrassing their kids publicly :D

The race to nowhere

[Posted by Cee Kay. Also posted at my blog My Two Cents]

I just saw a Leap Pad Learning System's commercial on the idiot box that talked about learning skills for pre-school. I went "WTF???" in my mind. Pre-school teaches kids skills necessary for Kindergarten. When did things get so screwed up that babies need to learn skills to get into pre-school? Here, in the US, even pre-school is optional for kids. Parents don't have to send them there if they don't want to. Of course, there are certain skills a child must have before he or she enters kindergarten - like they should know how to read and write the alphabet, count to 20, know how to write their first and last name, know their address and phone number. THAT'S IT!!! It isn't too hard for a child to learn that. And that is exactly what S knew when she entered kindergarten. She is doing great in school despite the fact that she didn't know anything else. In fact, she is among the top five students in her class. And I am being very conservative when I say "top five". She could very well be on the top but we wouldn't know because no ranks are assigned to kids here. And we couldn't care less.

Every year, just before the November Parent-teacher conferences (that's when parents meet their kids' teachers to learn how their kids are performing in school and get the first progress report), and later before the March conferences, S becomes this pensive, stressed-out mass of nerves. She asks us 10 times each day "What will you do if you find out that I am failing? That I am not getting good grades?". And each year my answer is the same - "If you were to get bad grades, it would mean you need more help with your studies and we would help you. We would help you figure out how to improve performance". I don't care about grades at all. Not in elementary school. Later, when grades do matter, I will see to it that she is putting in her 100% in studies and even then if she scores low grades then I'll accept that - however hard that might be for me to do. All I want is for my child to put in her best efforts. I don't want to compare her to others and drive myself nuts trying to see who reads better than her or who swims faster or who is better at math. All I care about is whether or not she is making a sincere effort at whatever she does.

A friend recently mentioned to me that she is thinking of holding her son back from school one year because she thinks he isn't ready for it yet. That, in my opinion, is the smartest, and the toughest, decision to make. Only a parent can know their child's capabilities and if one honestly feels that starting a year later will help their child, I admire their courage. I say "courage" because this friend said she is expecting a lot of resistance from her entire family including her husband. We Indians, for some reason, place so much importance on starting school early. It is beyond MY comprehension. We don't seem to care how much the child understands of what has been taught, yet we are very worried about how early he or she can say the ABCs and recite the nursery rhymes or how far he/she can count.

At the beginning of this rant I was going to add the note that people shouldn't take offence to what I am going to write because I am not judging anyone. But then I realized - Heck yeah! I DO judge people who push their kids too soon too far to acquire skills that they might as easily learn in due course of time without being pressurized. How does it matter if a child can say the ABCs before going to pre-school? He/She is going to learn it there anyway, right? So, why not let the child sit back and enjoy life without any pressures of formal learning? They do a lot of learning while playing anyway. I am not against teaching them the alphabet, colors or the numbers during play. I am against sitting them down to teach these explicitly. I am against teaching them stuff just so they are "one up" against other kids in a gathering. I am dead against formally teaching anything to a child under the age of 3 years. I know this might not have gone well with the way things are done in India and for that reason I am happy that I live in a place where I can practise what I believe.

We started sending S to KUMON just before she started Kindergarten (a little before she turned 5). Even then we worried we might be pushing her too much so we decided to give it a try and stop if we saw any signs that she was being overworked. Fortunately, the owner of the KUMON franchise that S goes to, has the same philosophy regarding teaching kids. In her opinion, learning is only fun if the child doesn't feel overburdened. So, on occasions when we saw S taking a long time in finishing her KUMON homework (more than 15 minutes), she cut back the number of pages that were given to S for homework. She suggested we always make sure that she gets only as much homework as can be completed within 15 minutes. That really helped. S never felt overwhelmed. And we let her take a break from KUMON for one week 2-3 times a year. This ensures that S does her KUMON work willingly without us having to ride her constantly. Every year her teachers ask us if she feels pressured by the extra work. We don't think she does. For one thing, KUMON helps her stay ahead of the rest of her class at school. She was very proud of her math skills in Grade 2 when her classmates dubbed her the "Math Wizard". Small things like that keep her motivated to do the extra work. And we do see it paying off. Last year, by the end of Grade 3, S was already doing Grade 5 math (division and fractions). If all this can be accomplished without pressuring and pushing a child, then I think we are on the right path.

Once when we were at KUMON (S doing her classwork and I waiting outside in waiting room), an Indian lady came in with her 3 year old daughter. She wanted to sign her up for Reading. Professor P, owner of the KUMON franchise, tested that girl to determine the level she would start from and told the parent that she will be starting the child from the level that taught letter recognition. The parent immediately took offence to that and informed Professor P that her daughter already recognized all letters, thankyou. Upon being told that the girl got confused between lower-case p and q, and lower case b and d, the mom was furious. At her daughter! She started scolding her right then and there, demanding to know how she could confuse p with q and b with d when at home she always recognized the letters correctly. Now, I know children do get confused between these letters quite often and I don't think it is a crime punishable by public humiliation. The lady could very well have signed the kid up for the recommended level and if the child indeed was very comfortable with letter recognition, she would have sailed right through that level in no time anyway. That is MY thinking. We never pressured S into completing a level fast. In fact, on occasions we have requested that she be allowed to repeat a level so that her concepts become clearer (when we feel she is still a little hazy on the concepts). On other occasions, Professor P has recommened that we have her repeat a level and we have happily accepted because if S isn't a 100% comfortable with concepts taught at one level then she WILL face difficulties in future levels even if she scores good on the test. We do have a "positive reinforcement policy" under which S gets to buy a new board game or a book if she completes one level at KUMON. We NEVER associate having to repeat a level with failure. As a result, while friends tell me that their kids stopped KUMON after a little while because it became too boring or challenging or whatever, S is well into her 5th year at KUMON and wants to continue. Our original goal in sending her there was two-fold. One, she would gain self-esteem if she found she was better at something than the rest of her peers and two, it would help her in the (waaay) long term with SATs. We were bang on with the first one and seems like we might be correct about the second one too.

I actually pity a child when his/her parents start telling us how they taught their kid X, Y or Z at an early age. Or when they start comparing their kid with other kids "just to see where they are at". I am all for buying age-appropriate learning games for kids. But this commercial about teaching kids skills to get into pre-school got me. And the "Baby Einstein" DVDs get me for the same reason. DVDs and videos for 6 month old babies??? Come on! One friend of mine proudly told me (a few years ago) how her 6 month old was hooked on "Baby Einstein" videos. So much so that he whined and screamed if someone blocked his view while he was watching one. I guess she took it as a sign that he was a genius. I definitely took it as a sign that she needed to use more common sense in her parenting. (Hey Cee Kay! Bitchy much??! :P)

I think this race to get their kids to the top is all in the parents' heads. The kids will take their own time getting where they want to get, if they want it. And staying at the top once they get there is another matter. One can push their kid to the top, but they cannot keep their kid there if the kid him/herself is not motivated. And most kids eventually catch up to grade level learning. One might be able to push a kid to the top at an early age, but we also have to keep asking ourselves two questions.

1. Is it really going to make a difference in their lives 20 years from now? Will learning the alphabet at age 2 help them when they are 20 and in college?

2. Are they having fun (while learning things to "get to the top")? THAT, in my opinion, is the most important question of all. In my opinion, learning that is done while having fun stays with us longer than learning done under compulsion.

Note: A few comments on this post at my personal blog have prompted me to start another post about KUMON, its drawbacks and why it still works for us. I realized some parents might appreciate information on this topic from someone who has already had some KUMON experience. I hope to be able to put that post up soon.

Pro Choice: In a different sense

[Also posted by Cee Kay at her other blog]

When it comes to a mother's working outside of home or staying at home, I am strictly pro-choice. I believe it should be the woman's choice, and hers alone. After all, it is she who will be juggling home and career and family more than anyone else in the family because, unfortunately, even today our social system is male friendly and doesn't put the responsibility for "balancing" things on men. But that is matter for another post. I shouldn't digress.

Another thing - I never say "Working Moms" because I firmly believe ALL moms work (I have mentioned this in another post of mine - I think). I always say "Working Outside of Home Moms". That's just me :)

For me there never was a question. I grew up watching my mom balance work with home perfectly. I learnt from her that it is possible. And she brought me up believing that I MUST have a career. In our family it was a given that both, my brother and I will study, get a job and get married IN THAT ORDER. My parents taught me from the beginning that the most important thing for me to do was to be financially independent. If I ever showed signs of not taking my studies seriously, my mom would threaten me that she'd marry me off :D And it worked! I took my studies and persuit for a career seriously.

For reasons I have discussed in another post, my career stalled when I got married. But that didn't change my views on this matter. I still believed that a woman should work outside of home even after having children if she wanted to.

I have discussed my views on this in another post on the same debate. But that was in response to a post by MadMomma which, in turn, was in response to a comment of mine (and other similar comments). This time, I will just list my reasons for my choice without getting defensive or offensive. And my views in this matter are solely based on my personal experience and observations.

I work outside of home because I want to. And because I am not stay-at-home material. I believe a happy mother makes a happy family. For a long time I was not a happy mother. Because I had to stay at home. Not by choice. I have seen the effect a woman's unhappiness can have on her entire family - firsthand. I was that woman. There is a marked difference in my home's environment since I started working. But that is a choice that works for me and my family. My husband and I make it work. We work really hard at it so that my working outside of home affects S (and now M) in the least possible way. Because he knows how important it is for me.

I work for intellectual fulfillment. Yes. I need it. I want it. Nothing wrong in that. (I remember reading another post where the tone insinuated it is). When I was home with my daughter, I could feel my intellect stagnating. It doesn't happen to everyone. It happened to me because we were new to this country, with no friends. And later the friends that I did make were moms of my daughter's preschool buddies. We connected because our kids liked each other. There was no other reason. No other connection at an intellectual level. I am not saying that these moms weren't capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. They were. Many of them were very accomplished in their own fields. But when we met, our conversations revolved around our kids and their needs and our dreams for them and such. I wanted a break from that.

I wanted to work outside of home because I wanted to utilize my skills for something extra. I wasn't content just teaching my child math, and colors and alphabet. I didn't need the whole day to do that. I still teach her a million things in the time that I do get with her. I desparately wanted to be "needed" for my skills. And now, when I am on my maternity leave, I can tell from personal experience that it is a good feeling. When I get calls from my colleagues asking me to help them fix things that no one else can, I feel validated. I feel satisfied that I am making a difference that reaches far outside my home.

I wanted to work outside of home because I firmly believe that will make my daughters more confident and self-dependent. No - I take that back. I am not working to achieve this, but I am sure as a result of my working outside of home, this will happen. Working moms need every family member to pitch in to keep every thing going smoothly. The more things my daughters tackle in their day-to-day routine, the more independent they get, and confident too.

I work to bring in the extra paycheck. Because, like every other parent, I want to give my daughters a better life. I don't want them to have to take out loans to study. Granted it is easy to get student loans in this country but I am an old-fashioned Indian that way. I'll pay for my kids' education like my parents did for me. When I was in college, it was really a comfort to know that my parents would pay for my studies as long as I wanted to continue. On the other hand, J had to work full-time to put himself through graduate school. He would leave for work at 9:30 in the morning and return at 11 in night after classes. I believe he could have worked much harder at his studies if he didn't need to work full time to pay for it. And we are both sure we don't want to put our children through that kind of struggle.

I work outside of home because I worked very hard to get to this point. I didn't bear shitty behaviour from my uncle and aunt (yes I did) and still continue my studies for three long years to sit at home. I did it because I wanted to get somewhere. I went through that hardship to make a career for myself.

I don't believe that my kids will miss out on life if I work out of home. I don't think they will come to harm either. Of course, if I am going to work, I am going to make sure that I find good care for them. It will be criminal on my part if I don't do that. I will make sure that the care available to them is the best possible and will keep an eye on things to make sure everything remains the way I want it to.

I also work outside of home because I worry about the future. If something were to happen to J, I want to be able to provide for my kids without having to depend on anyone - even family. I have thought a lot about what I will do if worse came to worst. What if I cannot pay the mortgage on the house or save for the girls' future? I have even made plans in my mind(like moving to a low-cost-of-living state, or to a smaller house) and we are also looking into Life Insurance to make sure that the girls will be least affected should something happen to either or both of us. Recently a dear friend had emergency surgery and then later found out he has B-cell Lymphoma (cancer of the Lymphatic system). He has already been at home for a month. His wife had to take two weeks off to take care of him. His mom came here from India as soon as she heard about his surgery. This all involved expenses. If they didn't have any savings, they would have been in a serious jam right now. If his wife didn't work, she would have one more worry of finances on top of everything else that is going on. One has to be capable of and prepared for anything that life throws at them. It is easier to think that one can find a job if the need arises than to find an actual job. If, God forbid, the need arises there are going to be a lot of things clamoring for my attention and at that time looking for a job might be impossible for me even if my survival depended on it. In such a situation, I will have to accept the first job that comes my way instead of holding out for one that suits my qualifications and needs better. Of course, this is "galss half empty" kind of mentality but I always believed in hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

This is not a complete list of my reasons to work outside of home in any way. I have too many things going on right now to sit down and compile an exhaustive list. And the haze of sleep deprivation often obscures any rational thought I get in my mind. This is what came to my mind just as I was typing this post. I have been delaying the posting of it because I wanted to complete the list but now I can't think anymore. So... much... thinking... my... head... hurts...

Art? Or Science?

[Note: Also posted at My2Centstoo]

Warning: This is probably going to be one of those posts with an assortment of thoughts just poured out. These thoughts have been bubbling in my mind for quite some time now and it is time they see the light of day or they would surely die in there and no one would ever know that I do get some coherent thoughts during my waking hours.

I have been thinking for quite some time now (Yes. I think.) - is parenting an Art? Or Science? How about a mix of both? Or something totally else? Sometimes I think parenting is a sport - a team sport where the parents have to present a united front to their kids and to the rest of the world.

Whatever it be, there is one thing that it is NOT. Easy. The decision to become a parent may come easy to some. I wasn't one of those lucky ones. In fact, when I and J decided to have children I told him I needed a few more months to get mentally prepared. I didn't want any children for atleast three years after getting married and when the time to make this decision came upon us, we had been married only for two. I wasn't ready. Due to the circumstances (being in a joint family with VERY controlling parents) we hadn't even had any chance to have fun yet! Plus, I had seen how interfering and controlling my in-laws were with the upbringing of my nephew, then 3 years old. I was determined NOT to have children and then be relegated to the background while someone else did the parenting. If I ever had children, I was going to be the parent goddammit!!

I have seen parents who have it all together. All figured out. They don't panic when the baby gets colicky or when sonny boy comes home from school with a note from teacher saying "he jumped off the monkey bars today and could you please talk to him about not banging his head on the wall when his wish is not fulfilled? At least not on the concrete wall?" And they know how to handle these situations. I have also seen self-professed "spreadsheet parents". These have spreadsheets for every possible if-then situation and have read every parenting book there is. Very unimaginative, in my opinion. Then there are some who just swing it. They have no preconceived ideas about how to tackle parenting issues. They just go with the flow. (Don't confuse it with just going along with whatever the kids say - that's not parenting. That is "raising Brats" in my opinion) What I mean by "going with the flow" is that these parents just tackle issues as they come up. They don't have it all charted out as to when will junior go to preschool, when will he start French lessons and when will the Piano lessons follow, which college will he go to and what career will he choose. OK - I know this is extreme but you know what I mean. I belong to this group. Trial-and-Error group. There is a lot of us out there!

No, there was no point to the previous discussion. I told you this is going to be an "assorted" post.

One thing I have noticed is the thankyou notes we get from kids whose birthday party S attends. Specifically Indian kids. The Thank You notes are written by the parents! Or typed and printed by them. They don't even make the kids sign the notes. Even if the kid just turned, say, 8. In my opinion, you won't get a better chance to teach your kids to be thankful for what they got. And to teach them how to say thanks. Or that they should. No wonder the kids today are growing up to feel that they are entitled to everything they get. Effort does not mean anything to them. Nor does gratitude. I think these parents are doing their kids a disservice by not teaching them the responsibility of writing the thankyou notes themselves. And I think this training should start early. When S turned 4, she had just learned how to write her name at the pre-school. After her birthday party was over, I wrote all the Thankyou notes but made her sign each one of them. And she did it excitedly because Wow! Thank you notes! Fun!! That is what I made it out to be. Next year, when she was in Kindergarten, I wrote out the Thankyou message on a sheet of paper, leaving the space for name of the gift blank and she copied the matter into each thankyou note adding the name of the friend and the gift they gave her from a list I had prepared. Of course we didn't do this in one day. It took her the better part of a week to finish all the notes. But I made her do it. Not because I am that cruel mommy who can't be bothered to do these small things on my child's behalf. But because I want her to learn these basic manners and skills. Because I want her to grow up to be an independent adult who takes responsibility for her own actions. And these small lessons go a long way, in my opinion. The next year, when she turned 6, she wrote out each message herself, only asking for my help with spelling. Last year she reminded me that she needed Thank You cards so she could send them to everyone who came to her birthday party. And she wrote out all the messages herself - modifying each one to fit the gift and the giver. She even reminded me that she needs to send thank you notes to people who got her "Big Sister" gifts in my Baby Shower.

A friend of mine argued that at least they are sending the thankyou notes. I agree. But the purpose of a thankyou note is for both, sender and receiver. It makes the receiver happy that their gift was appreciated and it makes the sender (read kids) aware that they are not the center of the universe and there are others who need appreciation as well.

Another thing that amazes me is how many Indian parents sit down and feed even their 5-6 year olds! I see the point if someone says they feed their 2 year old because at that age he/she doesn't know to finish their food. Kids that age (and younger) will just stop eating as soon as they are a little full. I fed my daughter till she was almost three. I would probably have continued (because it was more convenient than sitting at the dining table with her for one hour reminding her to finish her food) if she hadn't gone to pre-school. I took that as an opportunity to teach her to eat on her own. I figured she will learn faster if she saw other kids her age doing it too. I signed her up for the lunch program that the pre-school offered. They charged extra for it because it involved 2 extra hours of lunch and then some arts and craft. Unfortunately she didn't learn it right away. She routinely came back with her lunch box half full (I asked her teachers not to throw away the leftovers so I would know how much she ate). So we set up a rule. If she didn't eat her lunch on any day, she won't be able to watch TV that day (she was allowed to watch two half hour programs every other day). TV days fell on the same days as "school" days. That went well.

A cousin's wife (they live here in the US) mentioned that she had requested her son'd pre-school teacher to feed him because he didn't know how to eat on his own. That, instead of taking this opportunity to teach her son learn something new she just took the easy way out to maintain his current habit is what amazed me. And that the pre-school teacher agreed shocked me. My daughter's preschool teacher would have told me not to worry and that S will eventually learn to eat and wouldn't die of hunger. :D

Again, my issue is NOT with parents feeding their children. My main issue is with the parents' unwillingness to teach their children new skills. I have a friend who feeds her 6 year old son while he runs around playing with toys. She does make him sit down with other kids first but soon joins them and feeds him herself. And she is not the only one I have seen doing it.

This tendency to do everything for their kids, or to "help" them with everything, extends into other areas as well. Homework for example. When S started getting homework in first grade (Norwalk schools have no-homework policy for kindergarteners), she would sit at the dining table (or sometimes in the kitchen) and do her homework. She came to me, or called me, only if she needed help. I or J never hovered over her, or sat with her to help her do her homework. Homework is for reiterating skills learned at school. It is given with the child's grade level in mind. If they did it at school, they can easily do it at home unless they weren't paying attention in class. In that case, they should be made to work harder and should not receive any help in my opinion (Yes, I qualify for the "parent from hell" award). They have to learn to face the music. S had to. When she was in first grade, she once forgot to do her homework even after I reminded her 2-3 times. I didn't remind her after that. Next day her teacher called me at work to tell me that S hadn't done her homework. She thought there must have been a valid reason and in my opinion was looking for reasons to excuse S as she was one of her favorite students. I told the teacher to go right ahead and give her the punishment due someone who doesn't turn in their homework (which was missing the recess and completing their work then). Result? S never forgot to do her homework after that. Had I made an excuse for her or sat down with her the previous day to complete the homework, would she have learnt that responsibility? Nope.

For years my sister-in-law sat down everynight with her son to make him do his homework. During exam time she would study with him as if it were she who was appearing for the exams. If he had to miss classes due to some reason, she would go to his classmates' houses to get notes on what he missed. As a result he scored very good marks but never developed any self-discipline. For years I told her that it was his responsibility to study and finish his homework and hers only to provide him with a suitable environment, time and place and some help if he got stuck. Specially because it was getting more difficult each year to get him to study. The high marks that he got due to his mother's hard work gave him a false confidence that he was intelligent enough to tackle anything at the last minute and get the same high marks. Her argument against what I suggested was "But then he won't do as well. What if he fails?" And my counter-argument would be "You can't go to college with him. The sooner he learns to study on his own, the better. Later it will only become more difficult for him". This year, she finally gave up and left him on his own. And it is difficult for him to study on his own suddenly.

My point is, while doing things for our kids, or laughing at their bad behaviour when they are babies, we forget that they will eventually grow up. And then they will need these skills which they won't have because we never gave them a chance to learn. They will need to learn that the universe doesn't revolve around them and it will come as a big shock. They will need those good manners to get along and be liked, or even respected, by their peers. It is our duty, as parents, to teach them to gradually stand up on their own. To learn self-discipline. To learn good manners. For if we don't teach them, who will?

Pay special attention to the word "gradually" in the previous paragraph. I am not advocating just leaving our kids on their own to eat or do their homework (or learn any other skill for that matter). I am talking about working on developing those skills by gentle persuation or by helping them initially and then slowly letting go. It is pretty much like teaching them how to ride a bicycle.

This, and other parenting startegies/beliefs of ours came under fire a number of times from parents and friends alike. For one, our parents and friends commented many times that we were very strict with S. Because we didn't give her any chocolate/candy until she was 2.5 years old. And we didn't let her watch much TV. We even made her go to bed early (by 7:00 pm). She had to eat whatever was cooked for dinner and I never cooked anything for her separately. I did cook food to cater to her requests but not right then. If the food was too spicey, she knew to eat it with a glass of milk or a bowl of yogurt. But I never, NEVER, cooked separately for her. For all this, and a few other things, we were told "we were ruining her childhood" (for not introducing the important food group - candy), "she will become extra stubborn as she grows up" and that we were being too harsh on her. Thankfully J and I were, and still are, a team where parenting is concerned and we stood by our parenting style. Sure, we had our differences, but we sorted them out in private and not in front of S. Because that would just give her the chance to "divide and rule" if you know what I mean. All kids are very good at that :D

Our strategy with "rules" has been to relax them a little as S grows older and shows us that she is capable and worthy of being given a little freedom. She understands that. When the time comes, we will let her do a few more things that she isn't allowed to do right now. Since she was about 5 years old, she understands that different families have different rules and even if some friend of hers is allowed to do something that she isn't, she cannot argue with us to get permission to do it. Our home. Our rules. That is a pretty tough task to teach a 5 year old, in my opinion.

So, coming back to the question "Art or science?". I think parenting is just plain common sense. Whaddya say??

Month one...

Posted by Cee Kay

Note: I have this post up on my blog too.

...went by pretty quickly. And there is so much I want to share. So much I want to record. Somewhere I feel bad that I didn't get to do this for S. But, blogging wasn't around at that time (or if it was, I wasn't aware of it) and I am not much of a scrapbook kind of person. I'll try and remember things about S when she was at a similar stage and record them here. Actually, I don't want to record just Baby M's milestones. I want to record OUR milestones together - as parents, as older sister, as the new baby in the family. I am too lazy, no make that BUSY, to record all these milestones separately.

Sometimes I look at Baby M and realize that I never got to see that stage of S just because when she was born in Indore, I would hardly get her. She was always in someone else's arms. And since I didn't nurse her much, I didn't have even that excuse to keep her with me. Some would call it the benefit of living in a joint family - that there were so many to take care of her. I and J think of it as a drawback. We never got to spend that precious time with our daughter. We wouldn't have minded sharing her, but sometimes I feel like we had to give her up. And the fact is that no one shared the responsibilities - they were all ours. We hardly got any help. Anyway, that's in the past. And material for another post. One that I don't feel inclined to write/revisit anyway.

The first thing we realized as new parents this time was that we were so relaxed. I mean, no relatives clamoring to hold your baby, no unsolicited advices (well, not entirely true - but that is material for another post - hopefully coming up soon), no one trying to implement their parenting techniques behind our backs and no one snatching Baby M from my arms when she cried saying "Give her to me - you are making her cry!". (Yup! That did happen when I had S)

I stayed in the hospital for four nights and was discharged on Saturday. Friday night, as every other night, I sent Baby M to the nursery after feeding her, but then somehow couldn't sleep and got this uneasiness in my chest. Somehow I was certain that Baby M was not doing very well and needed me. So I got out of my bed and went to the nursery just to check. There the nurse told me that her temperature had gone down so low that she had to be put under the warming lamps. She was doing fine by then. I brought her back and kept her with me all night after that - I think (somehow, I can't remember much of the time that I spent in the hospital)
Saturday, we came home and our life as a family of four started. Its been a fast month. Baby M has grown so much, and we have come to know how we have grown since we had S more than 8 years ago. Every day brings some new experiences. And as I was telling a friend of mine - each day also brings confirmation of which "system" of hers is now working :D For example, now we know she has strong lungs because she can scream. About two weeks back, when Baby M stopped crying upon hearing her big sister's voice, it was confirmed that her hearing is fine too! Then last week we knew her eyes are perfect when she started following us around the room with her eyes. Lungs - check. Ears - check. Eyes - check. Apetite - check. Will keep updating the "inventory" as time goes by :D

Baby M has the kind of hair that stands up ALL THE TIME - much like Mad Momma's Grouchy Max :D When I was in the hospital, I thought the nurses were just having some fun trying to shape her hair like a mohawk. But the first time I gave her a bath I realized that her hair does that on its own. Now, S lovingly shapes it into a Mohawk every day!

My first thought when I looked at Baby M was "Oh my Gosh!! I'd forgotten that they come so tiny!!" She was so tiny (6 lbs 6 oz at birth and 5lbs 11 oz when discharged from the hospital) that she would get lost even in Newborn sized clothing! And she just loved to pull her feet up and scrunch up like a ball which often resulted in tangled limbs inside body suits or a bunched up M with the feet of the body suit left hanging limply. And then she would scream at the top of her lungs to be freed from it! Now she has started filling up those newborn sized body suits better. And doesn't look like a "bodysuit on a hanger" anymore.

One thing in which she is exactly like S is that she loves the massages and bath time rituals. She cries her head off when I take the clothes off but once I start massaging or when I pour water on her she just gets quiet and looks around as if saying "Who? Me? No! I wasn't screaming!"

And like S, she likes a good night's sleep. Since the age of about 1 week, she hasn't taken more than one feed during the night. Of course, she goes to bed late at around 1 or 2 am, but she eats only every 4-5 hours which is VERY good for a newborn, I say. Her doctor did tell me not to let her sleep for more than 5 hours without eating but she regularly sleeps for 4-5 hours during night time. During the day she feeds more frequently - about every 2.5 - 3 hours or so. So all is good on that front. S did that too - started sleeping through the night pretty early but being a first-time parent then, I'd wake her up every 2-3 hours and feed her. Then her pediatrician yelled at me (sort of) saying "Moms all around the world are trying to get their babies to sleep longer and you are waking yours up??" :P Never made that mistake again :D

One area where M is different from S is swaddling. S loved it. So much so that she wouldn't go to sleep without being swaddled. It became so much of a problem later that I had to "train" her to sleep without swaddling at three months. But M dislikes it totally. So I let her sleep without swaddling during the day. But at night, when she is very tired but unable to sleep on her own (and keeps hitting herself in the face with her fist :D), I swaddle her tight. She hates it and strains against it to get free but I just hold her legs down gently for a few minutes until she falls asleep.

There is so much more to record - my birthing experience this time, my memories from the first time, the annoying advices and some friends' hospital visits, my on-going struggle with lactation, times when I got frustrated because of that, how we coped being alone at this time, how S is coping etc. So much to write, so little time! Hope I get around to it soon.