Linda has a great theme for this month Back To School!. The scramble to get everything in order, the alarms that stop working, the school bus being missed, the argument over lunch, the list is endless. It will be fun to see what members come up with.
I want to thank everyone for participating and sharing ideas for the August Theme SAHM Vs WM. It was an interesting exchange of ideas for sure. One of the most surprising aspects at least for me is each posters comfort and satisfaction with the choice they have made. It has been a healthy discussion and we come away with a greater realization and understanding of different viewpoints and should try our hardest to respect them.
We all agree that SAHM Vs WM is not one versus the other rather each one's most comfortable way of getting there. "It is meant not to mean what Plaintiff Vs Defendant would mean rather travelling by Plane Vs Travelling by Train, means to the same end." And Tharini summed it up nicely "May we all get there, in this life, without too much heartache...."
We also realize and should never forget the fact, that for a majority of moms in this world There is no Choice...
Here is some food for thought, an article from Yahoo Finance - To Raise Baby Einsteins, TLC Will Suffice
Thanks everybody and have a great weekend.
Showing posts with label Theme for August. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Theme for August. Show all posts
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Introduction and my thoughts on WAHM/WOHM
Hello to all you wonderful Mums out there,
I'm a new member here. Thank you, Sandeepa, for adding me to the group.
Originally from Hyderabad, I now live in Europe - so I miss the sunshine! That says it all about the weather here, I guess :-)
I am a mother of 2 girls, and currently a SAHM (stay-at-home Mum). My girls are both under 4 years of age. I have grown to define myself first and most as a mother, and I marvel at this fact and wonder at the change in myself that motherhood has wrought.
It took me a while to understand this - that being a Mum deserves to be called a 'career' in it's own right - it's a job that requires endless patience and inventiveness. So now when somebody asks me what I'm doing about my 'career', I ask, "which one? I have 2. I'm concentrating on the first one. The second career is temporarily on hold. I'll go back to it when these 2 little critters don't need me as much as they do now".
I have keenly followed the topic of SAHM/WOHM on this forum. Many of you have written your views eloquently. They've all been interesting. You've mostly said it all, and I don't think there is much to add.
You know, it's not a 'this-versus-that' thing at all. It's not a question of which do you think is better, it's a question of what you want for your children/family and how you decide to reach that goal. It's a question of priorities. And it's unique to every situation, every family.
I think there are many people here who've worked and stayed at home at various times in their life. All parents would agree on one point - you do what you have to do to give your family the best chance in life. (Applies as much to me and you as to the poor women leaving their families and going abroad to do domestic duties. As far as this point is concerned, it's all down to our primal instinct to do what we think will be best for our kids.)
At the moment, I have decided to not work for as long as is necessary for my girls and family. I realize that as they grow older and spend more time at school, I will have plenty of time at my disposal.
I'll work again -later - because it's unfair to not use my professional talent and expertise. It took about 12 years to acquire it, so it would not be right to waste it away. As a medical professional, I can do immense good for the society I live in. So I will......just as soon as both my kiddies are in school for the greater part of the day.
On my first break, after working for 10 years, I was pretty much enslaved by my firstborn (she was demanding, temperamental, spirited and one step ahead of me - still is ). I had become a real homebody, when a very good job offer came my way. After a lot of thought, I started working again full-time. It was tough for all three of us. I worked till she was nearly 3, when I took another break for my second child.
This time, I had learnt enough from experience to make the decision to stay at home for at least 2 years after the birth.
Although some days they drive me crazy and make me admit that practicing medicine was a lot easier, on the whole I cherish the time I have with them. Their childhood won't come back.
I want to say that our children are not the only ones growing - so are we. We grow and learn from our experiences every day.
So I've changed from a staunch career-woman ("I want to be Head of the Dept before 35") to a 'working Mum' (oxymoron isn't it - who works harder than Mums?) who was willing to accept 'some' compromises("okay, okay, I'll get there before 45"), to a now mostly SAHM who won't even consider working till her child is at least 2 years ("I'll settle for doing something good for society while looking after my precious girls - somebody else can be the HOD").
That's how kids change you. And it's good that they do. I have accepted this change with happiness.
For now, I'm not in a rush to get anywhere further career-wise. At my own pace, I'll get there :-).
I'm a new member here. Thank you, Sandeepa, for adding me to the group.
Originally from Hyderabad, I now live in Europe - so I miss the sunshine! That says it all about the weather here, I guess :-)
I am a mother of 2 girls, and currently a SAHM (stay-at-home Mum). My girls are both under 4 years of age. I have grown to define myself first and most as a mother, and I marvel at this fact and wonder at the change in myself that motherhood has wrought.
It took me a while to understand this - that being a Mum deserves to be called a 'career' in it's own right - it's a job that requires endless patience and inventiveness. So now when somebody asks me what I'm doing about my 'career', I ask, "which one? I have 2. I'm concentrating on the first one. The second career is temporarily on hold. I'll go back to it when these 2 little critters don't need me as much as they do now".
I have keenly followed the topic of SAHM/WOHM on this forum. Many of you have written your views eloquently. They've all been interesting. You've mostly said it all, and I don't think there is much to add.
You know, it's not a 'this-versus-that' thing at all. It's not a question of which do you think is better, it's a question of what you want for your children/family and how you decide to reach that goal. It's a question of priorities. And it's unique to every situation, every family.
I think there are many people here who've worked and stayed at home at various times in their life. All parents would agree on one point - you do what you have to do to give your family the best chance in life. (Applies as much to me and you as to the poor women leaving their families and going abroad to do domestic duties. As far as this point is concerned, it's all down to our primal instinct to do what we think will be best for our kids.)
At the moment, I have decided to not work for as long as is necessary for my girls and family. I realize that as they grow older and spend more time at school, I will have plenty of time at my disposal.
I'll work again -later - because it's unfair to not use my professional talent and expertise. It took about 12 years to acquire it, so it would not be right to waste it away. As a medical professional, I can do immense good for the society I live in. So I will......just as soon as both my kiddies are in school for the greater part of the day.
On my first break, after working for 10 years, I was pretty much enslaved by my firstborn (she was demanding, temperamental, spirited and one step ahead of me - still is ). I had become a real homebody, when a very good job offer came my way. After a lot of thought, I started working again full-time. It was tough for all three of us. I worked till she was nearly 3, when I took another break for my second child.
This time, I had learnt enough from experience to make the decision to stay at home for at least 2 years after the birth.
Although some days they drive me crazy and make me admit that practicing medicine was a lot easier, on the whole I cherish the time I have with them. Their childhood won't come back.
I want to say that our children are not the only ones growing - so are we. We grow and learn from our experiences every day.
So I've changed from a staunch career-woman ("I want to be Head of the Dept before 35") to a 'working Mum' (oxymoron isn't it - who works harder than Mums?) who was willing to accept 'some' compromises("okay, okay, I'll get there before 45"), to a now mostly SAHM who won't even consider working till her child is at least 2 years ("I'll settle for doing something good for society while looking after my precious girls - somebody else can be the HOD").
That's how kids change you. And it's good that they do. I have accepted this change with happiness.
For now, I'm not in a rush to get anywhere further career-wise. At my own pace, I'll get there :-).
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
When there is no Choice....
Last week while I was driving back home from work, I heard an interview with Nisha Varia on NPR. Nisha Varia is a researcher with the Human Rights watch and I was not able to get the transcript of the interview on NPR, but her talk was centered around the abuse of Domestic Workers. This article, though not from NPR is on the same lines of her talk.
What touched me most was when asked why do these women workers choose to work abroad(in this case they were talking of Saudi Arabia which is a large employer of domestic workers) inspite of knowing the horror stories, she said that many of them cry to leave behind their children and family whom they might not see again for a long time but they do it to provide their children with food and basic amenities.
And I thought while we discuss our choices of staying at home or working outside let us take a glance at those millions of female migrant workers, many of whom are mothers, who work not because they have a choice but because they want to bring food to the table
"Human Rights Watch said that the numbers of women migrants has increased significantly over the last three decades, and they now comprise approximately half of the estimated 200 million migrants worldwide. The feminization of labor migration is particularly pronounced in the Philippines, Indonesia and Sri Lanka, where national-level estimates indicate that women comprise 60-75 percent of legal migrants, many of whom are employed as domestic workers in the Middle East and Asia. " (Source here)
Inspite of the abuse these women turn to work as domestic help to earn money and to provide their children with a better life
“Millions of women and girls turn to domestic work as one of the few economic opportunities available to them,” said Varia. “Abuses often take place in private homes and are totally hidden from the public eye.”
This is just an example, there are millions of mothers out there who work not to buy a BMW but to buy basic food for their children.
Do you think we as a community could do anything for them ? Please drop in your suggestions or if you are associated with any such organisation and have a clue as how someone could help let us know.
We at least have a choice and let's be grateful for that.
What touched me most was when asked why do these women workers choose to work abroad(in this case they were talking of Saudi Arabia which is a large employer of domestic workers) inspite of knowing the horror stories, she said that many of them cry to leave behind their children and family whom they might not see again for a long time but they do it to provide their children with food and basic amenities.
And I thought while we discuss our choices of staying at home or working outside let us take a glance at those millions of female migrant workers, many of whom are mothers, who work not because they have a choice but because they want to bring food to the table
"Human Rights Watch said that the numbers of women migrants has increased significantly over the last three decades, and they now comprise approximately half of the estimated 200 million migrants worldwide. The feminization of labor migration is particularly pronounced in the Philippines, Indonesia and Sri Lanka, where national-level estimates indicate that women comprise 60-75 percent of legal migrants, many of whom are employed as domestic workers in the Middle East and Asia. " (Source here)
Inspite of the abuse these women turn to work as domestic help to earn money and to provide their children with a better life
“Millions of women and girls turn to domestic work as one of the few economic opportunities available to them,” said Varia. “Abuses often take place in private homes and are totally hidden from the public eye.”
This is just an example, there are millions of mothers out there who work not to buy a BMW but to buy basic food for their children.
Do you think we as a community could do anything for them ? Please drop in your suggestions or if you are associated with any such organisation and have a clue as how someone could help let us know.
We at least have a choice and let's be grateful for that.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Pro Choice: In a different sense
[Also posted by Cee Kay at her other blog]
When it comes to a mother's working outside of home or staying at home, I am strictly pro-choice. I believe it should be the woman's choice, and hers alone. After all, it is she who will be juggling home and career and family more than anyone else in the family because, unfortunately, even today our social system is male friendly and doesn't put the responsibility for "balancing" things on men. But that is matter for another post. I shouldn't digress.
Another thing - I never say "Working Moms" because I firmly believe ALL moms work (I have mentioned this in another post of mine - I think). I always say "Working Outside of Home Moms". That's just me :)
For me there never was a question. I grew up watching my mom balance work with home perfectly. I learnt from her that it is possible. And she brought me up believing that I MUST have a career. In our family it was a given that both, my brother and I will study, get a job and get married IN THAT ORDER. My parents taught me from the beginning that the most important thing for me to do was to be financially independent. If I ever showed signs of not taking my studies seriously, my mom would threaten me that she'd marry me off :D And it worked! I took my studies and persuit for a career seriously.
For reasons I have discussed in another post, my career stalled when I got married. But that didn't change my views on this matter. I still believed that a woman should work outside of home even after having children if she wanted to.
I have discussed my views on this in another post on the same debate. But that was in response to a post by MadMomma which, in turn, was in response to a comment of mine (and other similar comments). This time, I will just list my reasons for my choice without getting defensive or offensive. And my views in this matter are solely based on my personal experience and observations.
I work outside of home because I want to. And because I am not stay-at-home material. I believe a happy mother makes a happy family. For a long time I was not a happy mother. Because I had to stay at home. Not by choice. I have seen the effect a woman's unhappiness can have on her entire family - firsthand. I was that woman. There is a marked difference in my home's environment since I started working. But that is a choice that works for me and my family. My husband and I make it work. We work really hard at it so that my working outside of home affects S (and now M) in the least possible way. Because he knows how important it is for me.
I work for intellectual fulfillment. Yes. I need it. I want it. Nothing wrong in that. (I remember reading another post where the tone insinuated it is). When I was home with my daughter, I could feel my intellect stagnating. It doesn't happen to everyone. It happened to me because we were new to this country, with no friends. And later the friends that I did make were moms of my daughter's preschool buddies. We connected because our kids liked each other. There was no other reason. No other connection at an intellectual level. I am not saying that these moms weren't capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. They were. Many of them were very accomplished in their own fields. But when we met, our conversations revolved around our kids and their needs and our dreams for them and such. I wanted a break from that.
I wanted to work outside of home because I wanted to utilize my skills for something extra. I wasn't content just teaching my child math, and colors and alphabet. I didn't need the whole day to do that. I still teach her a million things in the time that I do get with her. I desparately wanted to be "needed" for my skills. And now, when I am on my maternity leave, I can tell from personal experience that it is a good feeling. When I get calls from my colleagues asking me to help them fix things that no one else can, I feel validated. I feel satisfied that I am making a difference that reaches far outside my home.
I wanted to work outside of home because I firmly believe that will make my daughters more confident and self-dependent. No - I take that back. I am not working to achieve this, but I am sure as a result of my working outside of home, this will happen. Working moms need every family member to pitch in to keep every thing going smoothly. The more things my daughters tackle in their day-to-day routine, the more independent they get, and confident too.
I work to bring in the extra paycheck. Because, like every other parent, I want to give my daughters a better life. I don't want them to have to take out loans to study. Granted it is easy to get student loans in this country but I am an old-fashioned Indian that way. I'll pay for my kids' education like my parents did for me. When I was in college, it was really a comfort to know that my parents would pay for my studies as long as I wanted to continue. On the other hand, J had to work full-time to put himself through graduate school. He would leave for work at 9:30 in the morning and return at 11 in night after classes. I believe he could have worked much harder at his studies if he didn't need to work full time to pay for it. And we are both sure we don't want to put our children through that kind of struggle.
I work outside of home because I worked very hard to get to this point. I didn't bear shitty behaviour from my uncle and aunt (yes I did) and still continue my studies for three long years to sit at home. I did it because I wanted to get somewhere. I went through that hardship to make a career for myself.
I don't believe that my kids will miss out on life if I work out of home. I don't think they will come to harm either. Of course, if I am going to work, I am going to make sure that I find good care for them. It will be criminal on my part if I don't do that. I will make sure that the care available to them is the best possible and will keep an eye on things to make sure everything remains the way I want it to.
I also work outside of home because I worry about the future. If something were to happen to J, I want to be able to provide for my kids without having to depend on anyone - even family. I have thought a lot about what I will do if worse came to worst. What if I cannot pay the mortgage on the house or save for the girls' future? I have even made plans in my mind(like moving to a low-cost-of-living state, or to a smaller house) and we are also looking into Life Insurance to make sure that the girls will be least affected should something happen to either or both of us. Recently a dear friend had emergency surgery and then later found out he has B-cell Lymphoma (cancer of the Lymphatic system). He has already been at home for a month. His wife had to take two weeks off to take care of him. His mom came here from India as soon as she heard about his surgery. This all involved expenses. If they didn't have any savings, they would have been in a serious jam right now. If his wife didn't work, she would have one more worry of finances on top of everything else that is going on. One has to be capable of and prepared for anything that life throws at them. It is easier to think that one can find a job if the need arises than to find an actual job. If, God forbid, the need arises there are going to be a lot of things clamoring for my attention and at that time looking for a job might be impossible for me even if my survival depended on it. In such a situation, I will have to accept the first job that comes my way instead of holding out for one that suits my qualifications and needs better. Of course, this is "galss half empty" kind of mentality but I always believed in hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
This is not a complete list of my reasons to work outside of home in any way. I have too many things going on right now to sit down and compile an exhaustive list. And the haze of sleep deprivation often obscures any rational thought I get in my mind. This is what came to my mind just as I was typing this post. I have been delaying the posting of it because I wanted to complete the list but now I can't think anymore. So... much... thinking... my... head... hurts...
Friday, August 24, 2007
Home is where the heart is....and my heart is lodged deep within my home. :)
[This post is written by Tharini of Winkie's Way.]
I never knew much about or thought too much about the terms SAHM and WM, before I came into the blogging world. And never have I thought so deeply about my own choices in this matter until I started to understand what a complicated decision it tends to be in many of our minds.
I love being at home. I l.o.v.e it. It is really as simple as that. I am qualified as an accountant, and have worked in consulting before I was married, and after coming here, I was lucky enough to secure a job with a small business firm, as a full time staff accountant. I worked full time, until Akhil was born. That was 4 years ago. And then, predictably, I took the next year and 1/2 off. I took a long holiday to India, and just generally got into the groove of being a mother. And I didn't miss my job one bit. That's when my boss called and asked me to come back. I wanted to work only part-time. He was ok with that. If my son was sick, I wanted days off. Fine, he said. And so I started working again. And Akhil started part-time babysitting. It was the perfect age for him too. At close to 2 years, he needed little periods of separation from me and interaction with the outside world. He got a bit of both, in a home environment. His babysitter even potty trained him for me, as a bonus. :)
When he was 2 and 1/2, he started Montessori, again part-time. It was the perfect arrangement for us. I had some time away from home and kid and got to use my mind in a professional capacity, and then I got the remainder of the time to spend like I wanted catching up with my son and his life. But even thru all this, there was always this yearning to be at home (sounds crazy I know!) and just be in my own space and do my own thing. That's just how I am. I love to just be. By myself. Being alone with my own thoughts does not bore or frighten me. I don't crave for external stimulation. I can always find loads of things to keep me busy in my space. So many new things to learn and discover....for instance...I took up sewing on my own once I had a chance to be home, I learnt a lot of new softwares, photo editing, home video editing, dabbled in a bit of craft work, began to write (my biggest love), caught up on my reading (second only to writing), and ultimately discovered that I have a interest in children's books and would love to try my hand at it. So even when I went to work and enjoyed it, I always looked forward to the times I could be home and do all these things that kept me happy.
So when I got pregnant with Sathya, it was the perfect opportunity to once again break free from those obligations and commit myself to a home life once more. I worked until my 8th month and then enjoyed my 4 walls the rest of the time. Now, he's 6 months old and I am still riding on that high wave of being free to be. I love having the time to actually go to the gym and allow myself a peaceful workout, rather than cramming it into an already packed day. I love cooking fresh meals 3 times a day and feeling satisfied that I am doing something that nurtures my family. I love trying to get better organised in keeping house, and having a clean home at any given point of time, such that if a guest were to drop in unexpectedly I wudnt have to scramble to tidy up. I love having a few uninterrupted hours with Sathya in the mornings, the way I used to with his brother. I would have hated to miss any chunk of his baby days. They're too precious, this is my last baby and time is flying already. I love making myself a hot cup of tea on a rainy day and just watch the raindrops, if I feel like it. And I love that I can just switch on the TV and watch a movie if that's what I felt like doing.
In essence, I just love these little freedoms that you have when you are on your own turf. I think its part of my Saggitarian tendency to not feel bound to anything, else there is the violent need to break free. Work always felt like a restriction of my impulses. I know that sounds utterly selfish, but this is what I have figured out to be the reasons why I do what I do. Sure, the money is tight on a single income. And with 2 home loans to support (here and back in India), we barely manage to get substantial savings. Perhaps that ought to bother me more, but somehow it doesn't. We live simply. As simply as we can and try everyday to be even more basic. Its like what Sheela said in her post....we curtail containable expenses like not subscribing to cable TV, having a very basic phone connection with no extra services, buy only the seasonal veggies and fruits which happen to be cheaper, don't go overboard buying things to do up the house, but instead work towards keeping it clean and clutter free, and in loads of other ways.
My husband is very very supportive. He is not an ambitious person either. In that way we have found ourselves very compatible. We like to drift along with the current, putting our trust in nature and our faith in our spiritual quest. And for my part, since I have learnt to be more and more organised with more and more time at home, he doesn't have much household duties. I see to that. But he is still a very involved and hands on father. And when I ask for help, he gives it without question. And I try to keep things stress free and pleasant for him at home. This works for both of us. I am happy in my element, and he is happy when I am happy, and when he can relax at home. Of course, the day he feels that he would find it helpful if I worked too, I will jump in to help. It will require a lot of sacrifice on my part but I will do it.
In any case, I don't see my SAH position as a permanent one. It is just something that I want to do right now. As time goes by and should my needs change, I would love to take up something of my own. Maybe a home business, or working in the non-profit sector, or getting involved in a cause, I would love to give my time and effort to something that I see would make a tangible difference to things that matter on this earth. I don't know what those things are yet for me....but I have faith that when the time comes, I will recognise my calling. Right now, I am cherishing this time I have for myself, this time to dedicate to nurturing my family in full...and to just be within, in peace.
On a final note...I think what is of value is to be happy today...whether we work outside for a pay or work at home for ourselves. Find contentment....find bliss. And learn to empathise sincerely with all other women and people. As women, we are amazingly resilient and when I see the sheer diversity of all the various choices we make in our lives, and try and balance everything to the best of our human abilities, I feel s.o i.m.m.e.n.s.e.l.y p.r.o.u.d of all of us. I read all the posts on this topic and just marvel at what a range of thoughts there is, and how they all lead ultimately, to the same simple end.....to find happiness, to do our best by our children and family, to be at peace. May we all get there, in this life, without too much heartache....bless everyone!
I never knew much about or thought too much about the terms SAHM and WM, before I came into the blogging world. And never have I thought so deeply about my own choices in this matter until I started to understand what a complicated decision it tends to be in many of our minds.
I love being at home. I l.o.v.e it. It is really as simple as that. I am qualified as an accountant, and have worked in consulting before I was married, and after coming here, I was lucky enough to secure a job with a small business firm, as a full time staff accountant. I worked full time, until Akhil was born. That was 4 years ago. And then, predictably, I took the next year and 1/2 off. I took a long holiday to India, and just generally got into the groove of being a mother. And I didn't miss my job one bit. That's when my boss called and asked me to come back. I wanted to work only part-time. He was ok with that. If my son was sick, I wanted days off. Fine, he said. And so I started working again. And Akhil started part-time babysitting. It was the perfect age for him too. At close to 2 years, he needed little periods of separation from me and interaction with the outside world. He got a bit of both, in a home environment. His babysitter even potty trained him for me, as a bonus. :)
When he was 2 and 1/2, he started Montessori, again part-time. It was the perfect arrangement for us. I had some time away from home and kid and got to use my mind in a professional capacity, and then I got the remainder of the time to spend like I wanted catching up with my son and his life. But even thru all this, there was always this yearning to be at home (sounds crazy I know!) and just be in my own space and do my own thing. That's just how I am. I love to just be. By myself. Being alone with my own thoughts does not bore or frighten me. I don't crave for external stimulation. I can always find loads of things to keep me busy in my space. So many new things to learn and discover....for instance...I took up sewing on my own once I had a chance to be home, I learnt a lot of new softwares, photo editing, home video editing, dabbled in a bit of craft work, began to write (my biggest love), caught up on my reading (second only to writing), and ultimately discovered that I have a interest in children's books and would love to try my hand at it. So even when I went to work and enjoyed it, I always looked forward to the times I could be home and do all these things that kept me happy.
So when I got pregnant with Sathya, it was the perfect opportunity to once again break free from those obligations and commit myself to a home life once more. I worked until my 8th month and then enjoyed my 4 walls the rest of the time. Now, he's 6 months old and I am still riding on that high wave of being free to be. I love having the time to actually go to the gym and allow myself a peaceful workout, rather than cramming it into an already packed day. I love cooking fresh meals 3 times a day and feeling satisfied that I am doing something that nurtures my family. I love trying to get better organised in keeping house, and having a clean home at any given point of time, such that if a guest were to drop in unexpectedly I wudnt have to scramble to tidy up. I love having a few uninterrupted hours with Sathya in the mornings, the way I used to with his brother. I would have hated to miss any chunk of his baby days. They're too precious, this is my last baby and time is flying already. I love making myself a hot cup of tea on a rainy day and just watch the raindrops, if I feel like it. And I love that I can just switch on the TV and watch a movie if that's what I felt like doing.
In essence, I just love these little freedoms that you have when you are on your own turf. I think its part of my Saggitarian tendency to not feel bound to anything, else there is the violent need to break free. Work always felt like a restriction of my impulses. I know that sounds utterly selfish, but this is what I have figured out to be the reasons why I do what I do. Sure, the money is tight on a single income. And with 2 home loans to support (here and back in India), we barely manage to get substantial savings. Perhaps that ought to bother me more, but somehow it doesn't. We live simply. As simply as we can and try everyday to be even more basic. Its like what Sheela said in her post....we curtail containable expenses like not subscribing to cable TV, having a very basic phone connection with no extra services, buy only the seasonal veggies and fruits which happen to be cheaper, don't go overboard buying things to do up the house, but instead work towards keeping it clean and clutter free, and in loads of other ways.
My husband is very very supportive. He is not an ambitious person either. In that way we have found ourselves very compatible. We like to drift along with the current, putting our trust in nature and our faith in our spiritual quest. And for my part, since I have learnt to be more and more organised with more and more time at home, he doesn't have much household duties. I see to that. But he is still a very involved and hands on father. And when I ask for help, he gives it without question. And I try to keep things stress free and pleasant for him at home. This works for both of us. I am happy in my element, and he is happy when I am happy, and when he can relax at home. Of course, the day he feels that he would find it helpful if I worked too, I will jump in to help. It will require a lot of sacrifice on my part but I will do it.
In any case, I don't see my SAH position as a permanent one. It is just something that I want to do right now. As time goes by and should my needs change, I would love to take up something of my own. Maybe a home business, or working in the non-profit sector, or getting involved in a cause, I would love to give my time and effort to something that I see would make a tangible difference to things that matter on this earth. I don't know what those things are yet for me....but I have faith that when the time comes, I will recognise my calling. Right now, I am cherishing this time I have for myself, this time to dedicate to nurturing my family in full...and to just be within, in peace.
On a final note...I think what is of value is to be happy today...whether we work outside for a pay or work at home for ourselves. Find contentment....find bliss. And learn to empathise sincerely with all other women and people. As women, we are amazingly resilient and when I see the sheer diversity of all the various choices we make in our lives, and try and balance everything to the best of our human abilities, I feel s.o i.m.m.e.n.s.e.l.y p.r.o.u.d of all of us. I read all the posts on this topic and just marvel at what a range of thoughts there is, and how they all lead ultimately, to the same simple end.....to find happiness, to do our best by our children and family, to be at peace. May we all get there, in this life, without too much heartache....bless everyone!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Some more...
There are so many reasons why a Mom chooses to stay at home or go out side to work.
A particularly touching story, from a different angle here from On Balance
A particularly touching story, from a different angle here from On Balance
Friday, August 17, 2007
Maybe this is why I do what I do...
(This post by Sandeepa and the thoughts are entirely my opinion)
Why do I write this?
I was hesitant writing this because it is something very personal and I do not share it with everyone. But I also needed to get my thoughts straight maybe. The hubby says I am a “kinesthenics” person, I need to do to understand and that is why maybe I write to clear up the thoughts that are jumbled in my mind, the conflicts, the two opposite desires that I face every day of my life. And in a place where everyone is a Mother, maybe I am better understood
Why I did not and then want to stay at home?
While growing up, my goal had always been to do good in studies, to prepare for a career, to get a job. That was kind of the end, a nice job. That was all I wanted while I studied. It never ever crossed my mind that there could be anything else that I could want out of life. And that is how it was, a nice job out of Engg. School and I was happy.
When my hubby was asked by his company to move to the USA, I chucked my job, and moved for Grad Study. Now that I look back, I see, I never really said I wouldn’t move, I didn’t try to get into a Univ. which was in another State, in short I did not do anything to break the family routine. Maybe that was how I was, though I wanted a career, I wanted a family as much, albeit unconsciously.
While finishing up Grad School, I had a Plan A, to get a job in a company I have been aiming for all the 2 and ½ years of grad school, to have a baby, and join the company after 3 months. I never thought about daycare, about work life balance, nothing. The fact that the baby would go to daycare didn’t seem outrageous at that time, it was normal. Plan A seemed to go well in the initiation stage, and then there were heartbreaks and sorrow and no Plan B.
I graduated, preponed the job offer with the company and a month before joining found I had conceived again. Because of my past history, I was seeing a High risk Doctor who suggested that I should not do the 40 minute commute each way to my job and its better if I stay home. It was a brand new job and I couldn’t ask for a work from home option, neither did I even think of leaving it, so we used to stay during the week at a hotel near my office and weekends come home. Yes, that is how much I wanted to work then.
However soon after, I had to rush to the ER, middle of the night due to some emergencies. Soon there were 3 more ER visits and more complications and I was right in the hospital in complete bed rest for next 4 months. Fun, huh?
There I stayed in a small hospital room, unable to get up for even the basic necessities and all I could think and pray for is the little life which had not yet seen the light. I couldn’t get up for a shower or for anything else, couldn’t see the world outside except for the piece of sky visible from a window far from the bed, had no internet (how did I ever survive without Google
), nothing except a very caring family, friends, nurses and doctor. However everything else seemed so very unimportant and useless at that point. All the 4 months that I was there I could think of nothing and just hope and pray that everything went well this time
Why do I say all this?
Because it took all that and more to get me into the right perspective, to help me decide what was more important.
Because of what we had gone through, I had a radical change in my thoughts. I came to realize that there are many things that I can take upon myself and decide what to do, I can study and give a good exam, I can work hard and do good in my job, but there are certain things where I am helpless, the fact that my daughter was born healthy was a great gift for me and that is why her position is far above anything else in my life. The other stuff I can work towards and can achieve, so they can wait.
But this little girl needs me most because I am the one who is responsible for bringing her and I will just not be in peace delegating others to do it.
So I was at home till she turned 2. (Yes it helped that D supported my thoughts and we did manage to survive on a single income)
Why did I go back then?
It would be wrong if I said I was totally at peace staying at home. I did enjoy and had fun especially after S turned one and I could take her to library, the Mommy&Me etc., but I would also fret that I may not get a job because I was not utilizing the left side of my brain
Of course there was no time to utilize the left brain because I was utilizing my heart and two hands (and legs) much more. Now don’t think I was doing aerobics all day but staying at home with a baby without any outside help makes you do much more than cardio
Once S turned 2+ I wanted to go back to a job.
But not a full time one. A full time job is hardly ever 8 hours a day, it usually spills on to more and I couldn’t bear the thought of a 2 year old staying outside home for more than 5-6 hours. Again I think that until a child turns 5 or 6, home is the best place to be and if possible I would have loved to keep it that way with some hours of pre-school. Think of this, anyway all their life they have to do the 9-5 and even more routine so if possible why not give them some break now.
Finally I got what I was looking for, ok kind of. I have a nice balance now. S is 3 and enjoys her school. My job has minimum stress, less hours and as a result not much growth. But I still do the logical work I love doing and I have a very nice boss, so I get a lot of relaxed time with S including long weekday evening and also some time for myself.
My hands still itch and I want to shoot off my resume to a more demanding and challenging job. But when I think what I might lose in the process, I resolve to stay put until S turns 5.(Ok, the truth is I do not know even if I can do it when she is 5)
Does the child need me less when she turns 5?
No definitely not. But that seems to be an age when the child is more competent of doing their own stuff. Why do you think almost all over the word, the official age for a child to start school is 5 ? Why do you think some Mom friendly companies (IBM ? is there any other such company ?) gives 5 years off to a mother if she wants. In many European countries (I know of Germany because I worked for one of their companies) they have a policy to give the new Mom a break of 3 years (if she wants). So I think ideally a child needs to be close to home and to loved ones till a certain age.
I was NOT able to do it for all the 5 years and it saddens me.
What have I lost?
Nothing except for some material stuff which can be summed up as follows:
I get paid less. Doesn’t affect me much. I have never been much into clothes and stuff for myself so I don’t have to get the Dior hand bag and work for that. But yes, I do think financial independence is important especially in an economy which is so unsure of itself.
I miss working for a core technology company. I still have my hopes. Once S turns 5 I want to go back to a core technology company to do something more challenging and concentrate more on my work
I am nowhere near in career path where my friends who did not take breaks are. Fortunately some of them did and so it’s not that I am totally alone being the martyr.
What have I gained?
But this is what I want to do and be happy about. Even if S does not remember and she probably will not, (I hardly remember my life before I turned 5), I want to look back on these days and be happy because I think what I did, I did to be in peace with myself more than anything else.
I wanted to be there for her when she needed me and trusted me most. For my sake, I wanted to have fun with her without the nagging thought of pending work or deadlines.
As she grows up there will be more people in her life, she will slowly be able to use her instinct to know whom to trust, she will be able to voice her opinion, she will still need me albeit not every minute and I will be happy that I did do some work towards building a strong base of security and love in her.
Ooops, forgot to add, that going back to work also makes me happy, the constant thought that I am out of touch of what is happening in the tech industry is gone and I can keep myself updated which means a lot.
I still crib, when I have PMS and now if I do, I will come back and read this post
I think everyone of us has a story for doing what they are doing. There is no set rule and at times even the most carefully laid plans go awry. We are what our circumstances make us be and within that small boundary we try to exercise our choice and do the best for our children. Rejoice as at least we have the Freedom of Choice to whatever extent it might be.
Why do I write this?
I was hesitant writing this because it is something very personal and I do not share it with everyone. But I also needed to get my thoughts straight maybe. The hubby says I am a “kinesthenics” person, I need to do to understand and that is why maybe I write to clear up the thoughts that are jumbled in my mind, the conflicts, the two opposite desires that I face every day of my life. And in a place where everyone is a Mother, maybe I am better understood
Why I did not and then want to stay at home?
While growing up, my goal had always been to do good in studies, to prepare for a career, to get a job. That was kind of the end, a nice job. That was all I wanted while I studied. It never ever crossed my mind that there could be anything else that I could want out of life. And that is how it was, a nice job out of Engg. School and I was happy.
When my hubby was asked by his company to move to the USA, I chucked my job, and moved for Grad Study. Now that I look back, I see, I never really said I wouldn’t move, I didn’t try to get into a Univ. which was in another State, in short I did not do anything to break the family routine. Maybe that was how I was, though I wanted a career, I wanted a family as much, albeit unconsciously.
While finishing up Grad School, I had a Plan A, to get a job in a company I have been aiming for all the 2 and ½ years of grad school, to have a baby, and join the company after 3 months. I never thought about daycare, about work life balance, nothing. The fact that the baby would go to daycare didn’t seem outrageous at that time, it was normal. Plan A seemed to go well in the initiation stage, and then there were heartbreaks and sorrow and no Plan B.
I graduated, preponed the job offer with the company and a month before joining found I had conceived again. Because of my past history, I was seeing a High risk Doctor who suggested that I should not do the 40 minute commute each way to my job and its better if I stay home. It was a brand new job and I couldn’t ask for a work from home option, neither did I even think of leaving it, so we used to stay during the week at a hotel near my office and weekends come home. Yes, that is how much I wanted to work then.
However soon after, I had to rush to the ER, middle of the night due to some emergencies. Soon there were 3 more ER visits and more complications and I was right in the hospital in complete bed rest for next 4 months. Fun, huh?
There I stayed in a small hospital room, unable to get up for even the basic necessities and all I could think and pray for is the little life which had not yet seen the light. I couldn’t get up for a shower or for anything else, couldn’t see the world outside except for the piece of sky visible from a window far from the bed, had no internet (how did I ever survive without Google
), nothing except a very caring family, friends, nurses and doctor. However everything else seemed so very unimportant and useless at that point. All the 4 months that I was there I could think of nothing and just hope and pray that everything went well this timeWhy do I say all this?
Because it took all that and more to get me into the right perspective, to help me decide what was more important.
Because of what we had gone through, I had a radical change in my thoughts. I came to realize that there are many things that I can take upon myself and decide what to do, I can study and give a good exam, I can work hard and do good in my job, but there are certain things where I am helpless, the fact that my daughter was born healthy was a great gift for me and that is why her position is far above anything else in my life. The other stuff I can work towards and can achieve, so they can wait.
But this little girl needs me most because I am the one who is responsible for bringing her and I will just not be in peace delegating others to do it.
So I was at home till she turned 2. (Yes it helped that D supported my thoughts and we did manage to survive on a single income)
Why did I go back then?
It would be wrong if I said I was totally at peace staying at home. I did enjoy and had fun especially after S turned one and I could take her to library, the Mommy&Me etc., but I would also fret that I may not get a job because I was not utilizing the left side of my brain
Of course there was no time to utilize the left brain because I was utilizing my heart and two hands (and legs) much more. Now don’t think I was doing aerobics all day but staying at home with a baby without any outside help makes you do much more than cardio
Once S turned 2+ I wanted to go back to a job.
But not a full time one. A full time job is hardly ever 8 hours a day, it usually spills on to more and I couldn’t bear the thought of a 2 year old staying outside home for more than 5-6 hours. Again I think that until a child turns 5 or 6, home is the best place to be and if possible I would have loved to keep it that way with some hours of pre-school. Think of this, anyway all their life they have to do the 9-5 and even more routine so if possible why not give them some break now.
Finally I got what I was looking for, ok kind of. I have a nice balance now. S is 3 and enjoys her school. My job has minimum stress, less hours and as a result not much growth. But I still do the logical work I love doing and I have a very nice boss, so I get a lot of relaxed time with S including long weekday evening and also some time for myself.
My hands still itch and I want to shoot off my resume to a more demanding and challenging job. But when I think what I might lose in the process, I resolve to stay put until S turns 5.(Ok, the truth is I do not know even if I can do it when she is 5)
Does the child need me less when she turns 5?
No definitely not. But that seems to be an age when the child is more competent of doing their own stuff. Why do you think almost all over the word, the official age for a child to start school is 5 ? Why do you think some Mom friendly companies (IBM ? is there any other such company ?) gives 5 years off to a mother if she wants. In many European countries (I know of Germany because I worked for one of their companies) they have a policy to give the new Mom a break of 3 years (if she wants). So I think ideally a child needs to be close to home and to loved ones till a certain age.
I was NOT able to do it for all the 5 years and it saddens me.
What have I lost?
Nothing except for some material stuff which can be summed up as follows:
I get paid less. Doesn’t affect me much. I have never been much into clothes and stuff for myself so I don’t have to get the Dior hand bag and work for that. But yes, I do think financial independence is important especially in an economy which is so unsure of itself.
I miss working for a core technology company. I still have my hopes. Once S turns 5 I want to go back to a core technology company to do something more challenging and concentrate more on my work
I am nowhere near in career path where my friends who did not take breaks are. Fortunately some of them did and so it’s not that I am totally alone being the martyr.
What have I gained?
But this is what I want to do and be happy about. Even if S does not remember and she probably will not, (I hardly remember my life before I turned 5), I want to look back on these days and be happy because I think what I did, I did to be in peace with myself more than anything else.
I wanted to be there for her when she needed me and trusted me most. For my sake, I wanted to have fun with her without the nagging thought of pending work or deadlines.
As she grows up there will be more people in her life, she will slowly be able to use her instinct to know whom to trust, she will be able to voice her opinion, she will still need me albeit not every minute and I will be happy that I did do some work towards building a strong base of security and love in her.
Ooops, forgot to add, that going back to work also makes me happy, the constant thought that I am out of touch of what is happening in the tech industry is gone and I can keep myself updated which means a lot.
I still crib, when I have PMS and now if I do, I will come back and read this post
I think everyone of us has a story for doing what they are doing. There is no set rule and at times even the most carefully laid plans go awry. We are what our circumstances make us be and within that small boundary we try to exercise our choice and do the best for our children. Rejoice as at least we have the Freedom of Choice to whatever extent it might be.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
an age-old battle...
[by Sheela, also posted at The Joy of My Life]
A couple of points I have wondered about: 1) Women are biologically primed for child-bearing, child-nurturing/rearing etc. 2) society has defined Man's role as bread-winner/provider.
To be honest, before I had my own baby, I used to dismiss that as hogwash - in this day and age, roles can be reversed - so what if I am biologically birthing the baby, after birth I can hand over the baby to the husband and head out and be the bread-winner, right?
Wrong! At least in my case. The hormones and the surge of maternal biochemistry over which I seemed to have little control made it extremely tough for me to even leave my baby alone in another's care for longer than few hours (even though out of necessity I had to get back to work, leaving Ana in daycare).
Rational thinking flew out the door in a flash under the maternal surges I felt then. I was fiercely possessive, incredibly curious about raising my baby and quite determined to get it all right the first time around.
Do I envy the SAHM? Not at all! It is hard-work, and best suited for people who have made that choice and stuck to it.
Am I proud to be a WOHM? Not at all! I have made a choice and am trying my best to stick to it and make things work.
Is one inherently better than the other? Clearly not, or we wouldn't be having this age-old battle in our minds.
As I had written earlier, many women don't come this decision - of being a WOHM - lightly or easily.
The dance with the numbers is a tough one. We calculated and re-calculated the budget to see if there was any way we could make it meager-er:
--We don't have cable or DirecTV or any such additional expense;
--we have basic land-line phone with no extras like call-waiting, call-forwarding or even voicemail, as we have a good cell phone deal and have relied on it for all our telephonic needs;
--we buy in bulk from Costco and buy our groceries from local farms getting mostly seasonal produce and maybe some other fancy stuff from one of the eclectic places nearby, plus growing our own as much as possible (season-permitting);
--we are very careful about electricity - unplug wall outlets when not in use (except TV, of course), turn off lights as soon as we exit the area, energy-star rated dishwasher/fridge/oven/water-heater etc.,;
--we decided to use only one car for all our needs (keeping the second one only for emergencies) and plan the shopping trips and commute to work/daycare and such to minimize waste...
Now, if only just recovering the daycare expense by being an SAHM would have made our budget balance better...
Circumstances arranged themselves to make it a necessity for me to supplement D's income. I try to look upon it as a partnership where the sole burden of providing for the family should not rest on his shoulders. By the same token, D looks at raising Ana as a partnership and has helped a lot in taking care of her say two or three evenings a week to give me a couple of hours off to take care of myself and my needs.
A lot of Life is about compromise, planning and doing what seems best under the given constraints.
Either I can complain about it, or, find a good work around to establish some semblance of balance in my world.
My solution was to look at a job as just a job, not a career path, not something that would define me in the long run, but something that helps me raise my family in a comfortable way.
Also, my mom is my role-model in that sense - she worked as a teacher all her life, and raised us, and is a great cook and does wonderful crafts and sewing and such. So, naturally, I consider myself a failure if I can't do at least as much as she showed me it was possible to do.
Besides, we kids turned out fine despite our mom being a WOHM, so, I am possibly not depriving Ana of a well-rounded childhood by not being an SAHM...
But, the day and age in which my mom worked is different from my work situation. At least as far as IT goes, when projects need to be delivered on a deadline, one cannot excuse oneself and work only from 9-5 and head home and forget all about it until the next day.
That aside, my mom had neighbors and family around to walk us kids to school, bring us back, feed us, play with us and know we are safe even if my mom (and dad) had to work late some days. Such resources are hard to come by here, unless one is very lucky indeed!
Also, who doesn't want to be one's own boss, and command one's time as one wishes, instead of pretty much being a bonded laborer on someone else's clock and payroll? Alas! Not many of us really have that luxury, except sincerely wish for circumstances that let us make such a decision and abide by it - for better or worse...
And, when the need to be professional at all times combined with callous and inconsiderate bosses drain the cheer out of us WOHMs, no wonder we doubt whether it is all worth it? But, I prefer not to complain, I prefer to abide by the decision to help bear the burden of raising the family - financially and otherwise.
But, would I be happier as an SAHM? I'll never know... but, all I know is happiness is a state of mind that comes from accepting the situation one is given and making the best of it, drawing a sense of contentment about the way things are - instead of constantly trying to make the current situation better before one can be happy.
Somehow, despite all the Feminism and Equal Rights, it irks me when D suggests that it is not fair for him to bear the sole burden of providing for the family. Especially when "providing for the family" involves more than the basic Food, Clothing and Shelter.
Why have I subconsciously come to accept that the Man should not have a choice? Why am I worked up about making my choice, knowing that I have the luxury to make a choice, whereas upset when the roles are reversed?
Rhetorical as these questions may be, sometimes, there are no easy answers to our brooding. Hopefully, I am making the choice that is right for my situation, just as other women have done over generations and will continue to do way past my lifetime.
As I had written in another post, the need for perfection, the need for things to be a certain way before one can feel inner peace, is clearly convoluted, and conflicts with achieving the said inner peace.
If we are striving for something to be better than it currently is, well, therein lies the paradox...
A couple of points I have wondered about: 1) Women are biologically primed for child-bearing, child-nurturing/rearing etc. 2) society has defined Man's role as bread-winner/provider.
To be honest, before I had my own baby, I used to dismiss that as hogwash - in this day and age, roles can be reversed - so what if I am biologically birthing the baby, after birth I can hand over the baby to the husband and head out and be the bread-winner, right?
Wrong! At least in my case. The hormones and the surge of maternal biochemistry over which I seemed to have little control made it extremely tough for me to even leave my baby alone in another's care for longer than few hours (even though out of necessity I had to get back to work, leaving Ana in daycare).
Rational thinking flew out the door in a flash under the maternal surges I felt then. I was fiercely possessive, incredibly curious about raising my baby and quite determined to get it all right the first time around.
Do I envy the SAHM? Not at all! It is hard-work, and best suited for people who have made that choice and stuck to it.
Am I proud to be a WOHM? Not at all! I have made a choice and am trying my best to stick to it and make things work.
Is one inherently better than the other? Clearly not, or we wouldn't be having this age-old battle in our minds.
As I had written earlier, many women don't come this decision - of being a WOHM - lightly or easily.
The dance with the numbers is a tough one. We calculated and re-calculated the budget to see if there was any way we could make it meager-er:
--We don't have cable or DirecTV or any such additional expense;
--we have basic land-line phone with no extras like call-waiting, call-forwarding or even voicemail, as we have a good cell phone deal and have relied on it for all our telephonic needs;
--we buy in bulk from Costco and buy our groceries from local farms getting mostly seasonal produce and maybe some other fancy stuff from one of the eclectic places nearby, plus growing our own as much as possible (season-permitting);
--we are very careful about electricity - unplug wall outlets when not in use (except TV, of course), turn off lights as soon as we exit the area, energy-star rated dishwasher/fridge/oven/water-heater etc.,;
--we decided to use only one car for all our needs (keeping the second one only for emergencies) and plan the shopping trips and commute to work/daycare and such to minimize waste...
Now, if only just recovering the daycare expense by being an SAHM would have made our budget balance better...
Circumstances arranged themselves to make it a necessity for me to supplement D's income. I try to look upon it as a partnership where the sole burden of providing for the family should not rest on his shoulders. By the same token, D looks at raising Ana as a partnership and has helped a lot in taking care of her say two or three evenings a week to give me a couple of hours off to take care of myself and my needs.
A lot of Life is about compromise, planning and doing what seems best under the given constraints.
Either I can complain about it, or, find a good work around to establish some semblance of balance in my world.
My solution was to look at a job as just a job, not a career path, not something that would define me in the long run, but something that helps me raise my family in a comfortable way.
Also, my mom is my role-model in that sense - she worked as a teacher all her life, and raised us, and is a great cook and does wonderful crafts and sewing and such. So, naturally, I consider myself a failure if I can't do at least as much as she showed me it was possible to do.
Besides, we kids turned out fine despite our mom being a WOHM, so, I am possibly not depriving Ana of a well-rounded childhood by not being an SAHM...
But, the day and age in which my mom worked is different from my work situation. At least as far as IT goes, when projects need to be delivered on a deadline, one cannot excuse oneself and work only from 9-5 and head home and forget all about it until the next day.
That aside, my mom had neighbors and family around to walk us kids to school, bring us back, feed us, play with us and know we are safe even if my mom (and dad) had to work late some days. Such resources are hard to come by here, unless one is very lucky indeed!
Also, who doesn't want to be one's own boss, and command one's time as one wishes, instead of pretty much being a bonded laborer on someone else's clock and payroll? Alas! Not many of us really have that luxury, except sincerely wish for circumstances that let us make such a decision and abide by it - for better or worse...
And, when the need to be professional at all times combined with callous and inconsiderate bosses drain the cheer out of us WOHMs, no wonder we doubt whether it is all worth it? But, I prefer not to complain, I prefer to abide by the decision to help bear the burden of raising the family - financially and otherwise.
But, would I be happier as an SAHM? I'll never know... but, all I know is happiness is a state of mind that comes from accepting the situation one is given and making the best of it, drawing a sense of contentment about the way things are - instead of constantly trying to make the current situation better before one can be happy.
Somehow, despite all the Feminism and Equal Rights, it irks me when D suggests that it is not fair for him to bear the sole burden of providing for the family. Especially when "providing for the family" involves more than the basic Food, Clothing and Shelter.
Why have I subconsciously come to accept that the Man should not have a choice? Why am I worked up about making my choice, knowing that I have the luxury to make a choice, whereas upset when the roles are reversed?
Rhetorical as these questions may be, sometimes, there are no easy answers to our brooding. Hopefully, I am making the choice that is right for my situation, just as other women have done over generations and will continue to do way past my lifetime.
As I had written in another post, the need for perfection, the need for things to be a certain way before one can feel inner peace, is clearly convoluted, and conflicts with achieving the said inner peace.
If we are striving for something to be better than it currently is, well, therein lies the paradox...
Friday, August 10, 2007
Some articles on Mothers Choices
Check this On Balance -- Are you the Other Mother by Gwendolen Gros
I liked this part best
"My 5-year-old daughter recently interrupted her litany of what-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up ("a writer, a doctor, a vet, a singer, an artist,") with this question: "But Mommy, will I have time to have all my jobs before my babies come?"
I can't wait to see how she answers it."
Except from one more article On Balance by By Leslie Morgan Steiner
"Yesterday's Washington Post Outlook section carried a smart article called The Mommy War Machine that argued that much of the so-called "mommy wars" between working and at-home moms doesn't exist except in the media and among writers trying to promote their books. I don't disagree that media stories often oversimplify and sensationalize the problems facing American mothers -- but I also cannot deny that I see lots of evidence that women experience a "mommy war" driven by guilt, tension and understandable jealousy on both sides. There's another, even more debilitating war inside moms' heads as we struggle to come to peace with our choices, or lack of choices, about how we combine work and raising kids. This inner mommy war too often spills out in public disparagement of moms who've made different choices."
This article by Leslie Morgan Steiner discusses why more new mothers opt to stay at home (I guess its from the perspective of Americans), but the reasons were pretty strong and so I am reproducing a part
Here's what Shellenbarger found:
* The trend of moms staying home is more widespread than articles like the New York Times Opt-Out Revolution suggest, with women at all income levels taking job breaks.
* More mothers of infants (less than 12 months old) are staying home (48 percent in 2004 vs. 41 percent in 1997) than mothers of older children.
* Well-educated mothers with bachelor's degrees and above, and women with husbands in the top 20 percent of earners, have shown the biggest dip in employment.
Shellenbarger listed the following six reasons women drop out of the work force after childbirth:
1) Desire to nurture babies in their first years
2) Poor quality of available child care
3) High cost of acceptable child care
4) Lack of extended maternity leave
5) Lack of flexible return-to-work options
6) Decision to switch to a more family-friendly career
I liked this part best
"My 5-year-old daughter recently interrupted her litany of what-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up ("a writer, a doctor, a vet, a singer, an artist,") with this question: "But Mommy, will I have time to have all my jobs before my babies come?"
I can't wait to see how she answers it."
Except from one more article On Balance by By Leslie Morgan Steiner
"Yesterday's Washington Post Outlook section carried a smart article called The Mommy War Machine that argued that much of the so-called "mommy wars" between working and at-home moms doesn't exist except in the media and among writers trying to promote their books. I don't disagree that media stories often oversimplify and sensationalize the problems facing American mothers -- but I also cannot deny that I see lots of evidence that women experience a "mommy war" driven by guilt, tension and understandable jealousy on both sides. There's another, even more debilitating war inside moms' heads as we struggle to come to peace with our choices, or lack of choices, about how we combine work and raising kids. This inner mommy war too often spills out in public disparagement of moms who've made different choices."
This article by Leslie Morgan Steiner discusses why more new mothers opt to stay at home (I guess its from the perspective of Americans), but the reasons were pretty strong and so I am reproducing a part
Here's what Shellenbarger found:
* The trend of moms staying home is more widespread than articles like the New York Times Opt-Out Revolution suggest, with women at all income levels taking job breaks.
* More mothers of infants (less than 12 months old) are staying home (48 percent in 2004 vs. 41 percent in 1997) than mothers of older children.
* Well-educated mothers with bachelor's degrees and above, and women with husbands in the top 20 percent of earners, have shown the biggest dip in employment.
Shellenbarger listed the following six reasons women drop out of the work force after childbirth:
1) Desire to nurture babies in their first years
2) Poor quality of available child care
3) High cost of acceptable child care
4) Lack of extended maternity leave
5) Lack of flexible return-to-work options
6) Decision to switch to a more family-friendly career
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Appreciation...
[This post is written by Tharini of Winkie's Way.]
When I read about the theme for August, I knew I wanted to pitch in with some of my own thoughts. And Sandeepa made my life sooo much easier, by asking me to share something which I had posted on my blog some weeks back. And here it is...
When I read about the theme for August, I knew I wanted to pitch in with some of my own thoughts. And Sandeepa made my life sooo much easier, by asking me to share something which I had posted on my blog some weeks back. And here it is...
************
I have never, for a moment, had any doubts about my personal choice to stay home to bring up my kids. It is a simple, deep and abiding conviction....not just in the benefits of staying home, but also knowing that I could never be as happy outside. I prefer being my own boss, having the full freedom to decision-make and mostly not having to race with the clock to get here and there. I've done a bit of all that and have felt imprisoned by the added responsibility.
And for that very same reason, I admire my husband exceedingly. To be able to wake up at the same time every morning, complete the 45 minute round of personal grooming, hurriedly downing a carefully prepared breakfast and rushing to catch the bus, which he would have otherwise missed by a few seconds; getting to work on time, programming dedicatedly in front of the screen, neck getting sore, eyes glazing over...eating a lukewarm boxed meal of a lunch, and getting back home tired; to be faced by an oft grumpy wife and having to meet the attention needs of his energetic 4 year old...spending a precious 1 hour with him and a few quick minutes cooing to the little one, before the more mundane task of their meal and bedtime takes over; wanting to completely unwind and rest during the weekends, but having to make up for lost time with his older son, for whom even those 48 hours is too little for how much he wants to be with his father. Its not easy!!! And I am not envious of him. Only he can do all of that as gracefully as he does.
I admire how he takes care of the bills and bank statement, and while I am the certified accountant of the house owing to 3 letters, he is the unwavering, responsible manager. And for the load that this takes off my mind, I am eternally grateful, for I would have been miserable if I had to handle life's everyday finances. I'd much rather have the roller coaster ride of raising children anyday!
For that reason, I am sure he appreciates me too. He may not always think so consciously about all that I do, being so wrapped up in all that he does, but I can speak for the goodness of his heart and say that if ever the thought crossed his mind, he'd know that he was grateful.
...Grateful for how I, the sleep lover, disconsolately wake up each morning, to cook a fresh breakfast, pack his lunches making sure that it has the daily quota of nuts and snacks, dropping him off to the train station every morning, with a sleeping child in tow; many a times feeding him breakfast en route, just so he doesn't miss the most important meal of the day because he had to spend 5 extra minutes ironing that 100% cotton shirt; getting back home only to start the rush rush rush process again...this time to get an immobile preschooler breakfasted and ready for school, 2 nearly impossible tasks in a quick 45 minutes.
I know that if he got right into it, he would be grateful for the meal challenges that I face everyday....a solid heart healthy one for him, an all out fattening one for the scrawny little guy , baby food for the baby; and if he had a peep into my head, he would be sucked dizzyingly into the maze of thoughts that precede each other at lightening speed, with my actions trying to keep up. Maintaining the kids' naptimes, what to give them for their next snack, answering a myriad questions and requests for TV, games, splashing in the tub and wetting the bathroom floor....overwatering the plants, performing impressive but heart-alarming jumpinbg stunts, pacifying a crying baby, feeding him, worrying about not giving him enough stimulation to help his brain forge those vital connections...reading a book to the neglected older one, feeling guilty for not engaging him more fitfully, voice raising in decibels every few minutes despite repeated resolutions to amend...talking to him about his day, with a view to invest in keeping the lines of communication open for the future rebellious years...trying, at least mentally, to get some music time in, where he can learn the instrument, so that the next time we speak to his grandparents, I can say that I've done something worthwhile...coaching him repeatedly to talk in his mother tongue...fretting about how he shall learn to pray without any real inclination for it...and so much more.
He does what he can do best, and I do, what at the end of a chaotic day still makes me happy. We could switch roles...sure we could...and learn to do them, but we would not be cut out for it. Instead, what would enhance this precious balance we have going on is appreciation. A little time to conjecture and to appreciate the unique things that we do...and to say in a few simple, yet powerful catalystic words...thank you...you are wonderful and I feel so supported by you. Say it and you will find your feet dancing in the clouds and love flowing out of your hands in every task that you undertake after that. Say it and you have a recipe for total contentment...that blissful state of equanimity within and without!
SAHM vs WOHM: Continues till the end of time
This post is my Pop Mom of Babies Anonymous
I wrote about my travails as a working woman on my blog. I got a lot of responses from other working women stating that they feel the same way about things but were not sure if they can give up their jobs due to various reasons.. Be it money, be it the prestige, be it the insecurity, whatever.
The common thread though was guilt of not being there for the children, of not being able to give 100% to their homes, of being short tempered and so on. Debates on SAHM vs WOHM has always taken extremes with people from each side mudslinging the opposite side. Or we go to the other end and claim that "Whatever works for you best..is best".
Fat load of help that one is. It is true though. Every mother's situation is different, personal history, familial support, financial situation, there's really no solution fits all in this case (is there ever any case, where it does fit?) Then why we do feel like revisiting this topic every once in a while? We feel this extreme need to justify our stand and feel righteous of our choices. Why? Because no solution works all the time. And because sometimes our current situation is not one of choice.
I was talking to my DH the other day about this and he said a lot of things that annoyed me at first, then got me thinking.
**** Disclaimer; This is a male point of view atleast the way I understood it. I may have gotten it wrong, or it may sound MCP-ish at times.
He said that we women perceive our lot as a bad one because we have to make choices. Between child rearing full time versus part time. And we envy the men, who strangely enough have NO choices. Right from when they remember, they have been told to go out there and make money. Plenty of us women has also been raised that way, but he was wondering how we could end up being shocked by the fact that we'd have to make babies some day and therefore raise them. We knew we were going to have babies right? And that biologically, we were the only ones to do it. If we decided that we found work boring and that staying at home was more interesting, it would be the most natural thing in the world. Not many men have that choice, atleast not yet.
I was a little mad to hear that, but I also knew there was an element of truth to it. Sensing perhaps that I was getting irritated, he also asked me to look at this in the long run. Children need you intensely only for the first few years of their lives. After that they are pretty much on their own. The breaks that you take now will not matter so much in the long run of a 20-25 year career. It will seem frustrating now, but a few years from now, you'll look back and laugh.
**** End view point by DH
Is that the solution then? Take a break when the baby(ies) are young, and go back to work once they're in full time school? Hmm I'm not so sure on that one. I know a woman who works full time and her daughter is 13 years old. She thinks it's far easier to work when the babies are small, once they get older, they know how to guilt-trip you. Besides for plenty of us, our careers have really taken off at about the same time that we're having babies. How can we cope with it, how can we compete when all our peers have gone ahead? Sometimes, we are left so far behind, it is almost impossible to pick off where you left.
Maybe then we need to keep in touch with work, perhaps by working part-time or by volunteering someplace. Part time options ofcourse may not be available to all professions. Some employers will let you do it and then you end up working longer and longer hours until you've reached a point where your work is full time but your pay is only part time! Besides you need the same support system with working part time as you need full time and you may not be able to afford it on a part time job.
Let's see where we're going with this rambling.. Scratch out working if you feel guilty about leaving the babies in a stranger's care. Scratch out staying at home if you cannot afford to, or if you cannot later pick up where you left off. Scratch out part time because it may not work or be suitable for all folks.
What option are we left with?
Acceptance. Of our situation of exactly why we're doing what we're doing. We probably need to make peace with our choices. And learn to live with it. All by ourselves, no whining to all and sundry and no feeling like a matyr making the children feel guilty. And definitely no feeling piteous, triumphant, condescending, or superior towards other women who make different choices.
I know, I haven't said anything that has not been said before, I guess I just had to say it for myself.
I wrote about my travails as a working woman on my blog. I got a lot of responses from other working women stating that they feel the same way about things but were not sure if they can give up their jobs due to various reasons.. Be it money, be it the prestige, be it the insecurity, whatever.
The common thread though was guilt of not being there for the children, of not being able to give 100% to their homes, of being short tempered and so on. Debates on SAHM vs WOHM has always taken extremes with people from each side mudslinging the opposite side. Or we go to the other end and claim that "Whatever works for you best..is best".
Fat load of help that one is. It is true though. Every mother's situation is different, personal history, familial support, financial situation, there's really no solution fits all in this case (is there ever any case, where it does fit?) Then why we do feel like revisiting this topic every once in a while? We feel this extreme need to justify our stand and feel righteous of our choices. Why? Because no solution works all the time. And because sometimes our current situation is not one of choice.
I was talking to my DH the other day about this and he said a lot of things that annoyed me at first, then got me thinking.
**** Disclaimer; This is a male point of view atleast the way I understood it. I may have gotten it wrong, or it may sound MCP-ish at times.
He said that we women perceive our lot as a bad one because we have to make choices. Between child rearing full time versus part time. And we envy the men, who strangely enough have NO choices. Right from when they remember, they have been told to go out there and make money. Plenty of us women has also been raised that way, but he was wondering how we could end up being shocked by the fact that we'd have to make babies some day and therefore raise them. We knew we were going to have babies right? And that biologically, we were the only ones to do it. If we decided that we found work boring and that staying at home was more interesting, it would be the most natural thing in the world. Not many men have that choice, atleast not yet.
I was a little mad to hear that, but I also knew there was an element of truth to it. Sensing perhaps that I was getting irritated, he also asked me to look at this in the long run. Children need you intensely only for the first few years of their lives. After that they are pretty much on their own. The breaks that you take now will not matter so much in the long run of a 20-25 year career. It will seem frustrating now, but a few years from now, you'll look back and laugh.
**** End view point by DH
Is that the solution then? Take a break when the baby(ies) are young, and go back to work once they're in full time school? Hmm I'm not so sure on that one. I know a woman who works full time and her daughter is 13 years old. She thinks it's far easier to work when the babies are small, once they get older, they know how to guilt-trip you. Besides for plenty of us, our careers have really taken off at about the same time that we're having babies. How can we cope with it, how can we compete when all our peers have gone ahead? Sometimes, we are left so far behind, it is almost impossible to pick off where you left.
Maybe then we need to keep in touch with work, perhaps by working part-time or by volunteering someplace. Part time options ofcourse may not be available to all professions. Some employers will let you do it and then you end up working longer and longer hours until you've reached a point where your work is full time but your pay is only part time! Besides you need the same support system with working part time as you need full time and you may not be able to afford it on a part time job.
Let's see where we're going with this rambling.. Scratch out working if you feel guilty about leaving the babies in a stranger's care. Scratch out staying at home if you cannot afford to, or if you cannot later pick up where you left off. Scratch out part time because it may not work or be suitable for all folks.
What option are we left with?
Acceptance. Of our situation of exactly why we're doing what we're doing. We probably need to make peace with our choices. And learn to live with it. All by ourselves, no whining to all and sundry and no feeling like a matyr making the children feel guilty. And definitely no feeling piteous, triumphant, condescending, or superior towards other women who make different choices.
I know, I haven't said anything that has not been said before, I guess I just had to say it for myself.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Theme for August
There comes a time in the life of every Momz Club when the issue of Stay At Home (SAHM) Vs Working Mom (WM) cannot be left undiscussed. While both parties don't have any differences on the working part we of course have several opinions about the choice of being a SAHM vs WM. August being a hot month as it is thought I would pick a equally hot topic to discuss.
Theme for August - SAHM Vs WM
Theme for August - SAHM Vs WM
Do you feel vindicated as a SAHM when you wake up early one morning and realize your kid is sick and you don't have to do cartwheels as you watch the poor husband rushing off to his job?
Are you happy that you chose to be a WM when a seat in the sought after school opened up and you don't have to turn it down because the tution fee is most defintely going to put a severe dent in your wallet?
Do you feel extremely happy that your kids are not brought by strangers because of your well thought out decision to stay home?
Do you wake up every morning wondering why you put up with obnoxiousness of your coworkers when your child is being cared for by strangers?
Do you resent being a SAHM when your husband and friends are off climbing the corporate ladder while your qualifications and skills are rusting?
Do you silenty thank those parents who take the time to volunteer at your child's school while you on the other hand have to make it to that last minute appointmet with your boss?
Every decision that affects the family be it buying a bigger house, eating out, signing the kids for after school activities are more often than not colored by the decision we made of being a SAHM or WM. I think there is a good representaion of both in the Desi Momz Club to make this a healthy discussion. We will try not to pass judgements of one decision over the other.
It hopefully will be a lively discussion of why each of us made the choices we made. It will be very interesting to see the different perspectives and also teach us a thing or two.
Go On Desi Momz Club Members! Lets hear you!
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