Help or No Help ?

I was reading this post at The Mad momma’s yesterday and the post and the comments made me feel as if I am in a parallel universe. Maids for my kid, one or in multiples? Help that takes care of my child while I go for beauty treatments or whatever else treatments? Are there even options like that out there?

Most of you moms (unless you are Warren Buffet or married to someone like that) staying outside India do not have a house help who takes care of the kid I guess. You can have nannies but they are not there to take care of the kids whims and fancies while you rush in and out of beauty parlors or coffee shops. If you have to take your kids to the peds, you do it. If to the park again it’s you (or the hubby). If your kid wants a certain dinner or certain lunch for school, you cook it up. If your kid is sick, you stay up all night, alternate work days with the hubby, come back home bleary eyed to cook and feed the child, and have a restless night again. All in all you are involved in all aspects of your child. Fact is you do not have a choice but to do it yourself.

I do pine for some help, specially when I am back from work and try to rest a little and the now 3 and ½ year old thinks I should have taken my nap at office and this is time for jumping around like her. But I know this is my child and not my neigbour’s, so smiling and saying “Darling” and making “sweet talk” or reading a couple of books alone at the end of the day is not enough. I have to be involved in every aspect of her life. I have never had the good fortune to have a house help (except for the lady who drops in to clean) and I don’t know how their existence would have changed my life or my involvement with my daughter. All I know is if there’s anything that needs to get done for her it’s her parents that have to do it. There simply is no choice.

Its not only about "quality time", a phrase used very very widely these days, kids also need time in "quantity" from their parents. I as a parent feel my role is not only to read a few books and make trips to the park with her. My job as a parent calls for much more. The fact that I do all the small chores for her from cooking to feeding to taking her to bed to teaching her to use the bathroom to washing her up makes me feel very satisfied. Maybe I do not do all these to perfection and it also takes up a lot of my time, time that I could have spent at the park with her, but at the end of the day I feel I have done my best for my daughter. Afetr all we did have fun together making shapes out of the flour dough while I rolled out rotis and we can go to the park tomorrow...

What do you think? If you have a house help at all to help with the kid, how do you distribute the kids work with her? If you don’t have one, how much do you think you would let the house help be involved with your kids work/activities?

To stir up some interest during a lethargic summer week day I am writing this. I am neither for or against house help/maid or anything. So please post your views as you feel it.

It's my choice and ...am happy with it.

This post is by Trishna of Tina Says

I have been meaning to write on a particular issue for quite some time.... something I read on a friend's blog..got me all charged up.... I just had to write after that....

The issue is about Stay at Home Moms and Working Moms.....I have been reading a lot on these topics lately and also sitting in on conversations and discussions....

I have worked non stop for 4 years ... and now since I have been pregnant with Joy I have been a SAHM.....I stopped work in October 2005...actually even before I conceived Joy.. it wasn't planned .. it just happened... We had just moved and I was settling in to a new city and the month I started circulating my resume and scheduling meetings ..was also when I realised I was pregnant ..... hence work went onto a back burner coz I just felt it wouldn't be ethical to join a place and then go on maternity leave....( actually who would appoint a pregnant woman anyways....)

Ok.. to get back to the main topic... I now am home with Joy.... I enjoy my time with him... but I also enjoyed my time at work... I teach and so my work anyways entails interaction with children.....

The husband knows this and realises that even though I am enjoying my stint at home ... I am also looking forward to going back to work....I keep reading about how moms are "sacrificing their lives " for their kids when they stay at home.....and also the flip side.. of how there are moms who feel guilty leaving their kids and going back to work.....Everyone seems to be justifying their actions... Why? If you are a SAHM .... you have chosen to be one.... If you are a working mom ... its coz you have chosen to be one... be it for some compulsions ... or whatever..... !!!!Why does one need to justify their actions.... ? As long as the decision you have taken is yours and by yours I mean a family decision... no one needs to be given any reasons for it....

The husband and I from day one ..have known .. that I would go back to work in a year or so after our baby was born... not for financial reasons.... (thank god.... for that....) it has never been a concern..we make do with what we have ... The husband and I have been sensible with our finances... Yes... we do splurge.. pretty often that too...but thats cos we want to....we both love food ... we love travelling and don't compromise on our budgets for that....we both love the good life....but we also know what we can do and what we cant.... for eg : we bought a small car... not coz we couldn't afford a big one.. but cos... we didnt need one at that point...we will now buy a bigger car... cos we need it... with a baby and his paraphenelia as well with me going back to work....its a necessity...

I will go back to work for myself.....I can hear people saying .."How selfish!!" Fine , think what you want to....It's my decision and I don't care what others think.....I love my son... and I don't feel that by going back to work my love for him will become less or that by spending every hour with him will make him realise how much I love him.... I am sure he will love me and I him even if I went to work for 5-6 hours a day.... Someone said.. it was all ok for me .. as the work I did was just for half a day and not like others who have full 9-5 jobs... well.... it doesn't matter how many hours I work.... or stay at home.. as long as I can ensure that my child is in safe hands and happy ,I am fine....

My mom worked through out our childhood and still does...and I am glad she does..... I am sure I would have been glad even if she didn't.... It is completely her decision..We never had problems with her working.... I sometimes .. hear my friends complain that they never saw their moms and that they were looked after by the servants...Well.. my brother and I have always seen Mom going to work...but she was always there when we needed her....even if she wasn't there physically she could be contacted when ever required.. we too were left with servants... they were more like family members for us... some of them are still with the family and are actually looking after the next generation ..as in our kids now....

Another friend told me .. that by staying home .. she was ensuring that she would be there to watch her child take her first step.. or say her first words...I am home right now and Joy has started saying a few things... and let me tell you ... they have always been in front of someone else... when I have either gone to the loo or am on the phone....the first time he crawled was while we were on vacation...So I guess its the way you look at things.....

If going to work is making me happy then in some way or the other it will make my child happy as well.... I have never come back from work in a bad mood... in fact I have always come home very very satisfied and rejuvenated.... and I think Joy will want a Mom who is in a good mood... and not a grouchy and irritable one .. like I am sometimes.. after a trying day with him....or after supervising the laundry and the cooking and the cleaning......I have delegated all these tasks now.. so that they are all taken care off to my satisfaction and am very happy....

This brings me to another conversation I had with a few friends.... on how their husbands had put their careers on a slower pace just so that they could be with their kids for everything.... This is one thing which is very personal.....The husband loves his job..... he too comes home after a full day of work... looking forward to the time he will spend with his wife and son.... His work makes him travel often....and I have never tried to put a stop to it .... if thats what his work entails ..then he has to travel....If his work makes him move cities ...then we will move with him till it becomes difficult...... before we got married ... I decided to change careers and chose to teach so that I could move with him whenever required.. I have never cribbed about what I had to do.. it was my decision....and am happy with it...

One of the reasons , we work is also to provide for a better future for our children... provide them with some kind of security ..our parents gave that security to us....made us stand on our own feet and then let us be..... we aim to try to do at least that.I am always being told that the love and affection that a child gets from a mom who is home all the time is different... how so?It's the way each of us perceive our roles as parents.... it's the way we want to bring up our child... it's our decision.....and that is that...!!!

The bottom line is that .... Its a personal choice.... to each their own.....you have made a choice ..be positive about that choice if its what you think is the best choice...

why the slanging match ?

and why the comparison ?

and why the debate?

sigh..

Today I realized how Ive lost track of time after Ive started full-time work again. For the past few summers, Ive prided myself in being home with the kids and summers have always been organized and perfect. At least that's what I think. The kids would rather sleep through brunch and feast on junk all afternoon, but I kept them on their toes half the time with some crazy summer camp schedule.

As organized as I am [or thought i was] I'd made a note of all the good [and quickly filling] camps around the area, created reminders for the start of registration at my home computer and armed myself with all paperwork necessary in a binder.

You'd think with such precision I'd put the staff secretary at the White Hosue to shame, but no, right there I made a huge mistake. How good is a home computer when you don't use it?! I don't pour over it anymore checking mails, doing my documents, or browsing happy sites or shopping online . All those exciting tasks have now been shifted to the system at work. So yes, whats the point in having a reminder when it's blinking away to glory, and no one notices it?

And thats the short version of how I missed all deadlines.

Ive been kicking myself ever since I realized over the weekend, that I may for all you know be booted out of the 2 main camps that I so badly want my tweens to go. Not just coz it's good for them, but it would solve my anxiety on leaving them alone at home while I schlep myself off 20 miles to 'work' !

As if I am not miserable enough, one nice mom calls me up to say " so did you get the confirmation yet? I got mine last evening. Boy, they get filled so quickly don't they? Hope you get yours, you sent it only on Friday. Maybe in the next couple of days. Hopefully. "

Sure. I feel like a complete bumpkin now.