Picking a care provider...

--posted by Pallavi (All Things Yummy)

Being a working mom, day care for my little one was/is always on my mind. I started thinking about it even before I had him. When I saw my friends around me going through various things, I always put myself in their position and thought.. what would I do.. ?!
#1:Some of them quit working altogether.. that wasn't an option for me due to GC processing blah blah..
#2. Some of them had visiting parents at any given time.. (lucky them !) Both my mom and m-i-l are working women too.. so they could only spend a few months away from India at most. So, that option was ruled-out too.
#3: Some sent their kids to India (well the plan was for about a few months initially, which ended up being a couple of years too in some cases !!) They are definitely very brave that they could do that! I could hardly imagine it...
#4: So, the only remaining option was to send my kid to a daycare here.. Either to an in-home babysitter or a traditional daycare center. And ever since I came to that conclusion, I started paying more attention to the group of friends who did that.. and their kids :)

Then R came into our lives and things started to unfold in reality.. Luckily my mom and mil took turns and stayed here until he was about 10 months old. So that worked out great esp. since I was working from home then too. I was always home with the baby and was working too. When he was about 8 months, I started investigating into what options I had then.
#1: To have a nanny who would visit and watch him (I was working from home then.. so that seemed like a great option)
#2. Enroll him at a traditional american day care facility
#3. Drop him off at a desi babysitter's place who would watch him along with couple of other kids.

I tried finding a nanny but there many issues with that and couldnt find anyone that fit.. so #1 was ruled out. Then, came the second option of the traditional daycare center. And from what I have observed and heard from my friends, the kids got sick too often at the daycare..And I was very worried about that.. So, I decided to go with option #3. Started talking to many babysitters in my area. I visited a couple of them and I picked the lady who seemed friendly and had a clean home. She was recommended by a friend and her daughter who is same age as R goes there too. So, I picked her. And started dropping off R there.

The first couple of weeks he was fine other than the stranger anxiety stuff and then came winter.. (bad timing !) And started a chain of ear-infections, colds, coughs, fever, antibiotics, loss of appetite, weight loss etc etc.. Its just too painful to even think about. Was tough on all of us. I am sure many of you know what I mean.. Eventually as the spring came along, he adjusted much better. I thought I will keep him here until he is 3 and then find a preschool.. I thought he would be older and may be not get sick that often. And for sometime everything was pretty nice.

About when he was 20 months old, R started talking a lot. And he started saying .. "aunty ..tv..on..Rishi sofa sit.. tv watch".. and he kept saying that..with the limited vocabulary he had..I realized he is spending most of his time watching TV.... I am not too fond of TV and think he is way too young for it now. It was about end of september last year when I really started to feel that he needs some place where he can spend his time doing other things that are more useful for him. But from the previous experience, I didnt want to move him to a new place in winter . So, decided to wait for warmer weather. But then I thought I could do my research as to whats available. Yes, I love research. I like to know whats out there before I make my pick.. :) So, I started looking not very actively but on and off whenever I could.

First went to the internet (like I always do with my research) pulled up a list of all the daycare/preschool facilites around where I live. Made a list of about 25-30. Yes, there are that many within 5 miles from our home!! And ordered them by the distance starting with the closest. Then started visiting each of the websites and called them and gathered all the information I could over the phone. Made an Excel Spreadsheet with the following columns for each one.
Name & Website & Phone Number
1.Distance:
Distance from our home...and preferably on the way to work- the closer it is the better.
2.Timings:
Are open atleast until 6:30PM (Both of us work quite far from home.. so anything earlier would be hard)
3.Food Options:
They have a good menu for our dietary needs or allow us to substitute on those days if we are not happy with the selection. (there were some that didnt allow anything from home due to the allergies issues)
4.Daily curriculum:
What do they do during the day.. when do they play, eat, sleep, learn. What kind of teaching approach they follow.. independence oriented or more structured..
5.Fee
The lowest one was $120 per week and the highest $320 per week. Most were between $180 - $250 for this age group.
6.Availability
7.Transportation:
Have a bus facility to the public schools-not now but after a couple of years
8. Sick Policy, Holidays, Student:Teacher ratio, Potty Training & Age Group divisions.
Most seemed same for this age group so these became non-criteria now..
9.Other things they offer:
Some schools offered webcam. Some offered Dance, Soccer, Martial Arts etc, even gourmet food for parents, drycleaning and weeknights babysitting...
10.Reputation & References:
What I heard from my friends about them.

Once I had all of this information, I could eliminate a lot of them. From the past couple of weeks or so, I have been doing this much more actively. Now I am down to about 7 facilities. We will be touring them all. I will be checking for the following things :

1.Get in and get out.. how fast and easy it was.
2.Security
3. Have a clean and well kept facility (How is the Kitchen if they have one)
4. If staff seem caring and experienced.
5. Good outdoor age-appropriate playgrounds for all age groups (R loves the park) - everyone will say yes to this on the phone :) but when you see you will know the good ones from the not-so-good ones.
6. They are quite diverse (with kids from all races/countries/languages etc.. ) Thats very important in this day and age. I believe that children need to learn to appreciate everyone alike and its important to inculcate that unbiased nature from childhood.
7.How the rooms are setup, Art work and other things posted on the bulletin boards, what the kids are doing while we are there.
8. The daily reports and Menu for the month and activities, themes etc.,
9. I definitely like to check out the infants/early toddlers room to see how they are being comforted..

We are touring the facilities now.. have 3 more left.. will post results after that pretty soon. Do share your views.. Would love to hear what you think..

Pro Choice: In a different sense

[Also posted by Cee Kay at her other blog]

When it comes to a mother's working outside of home or staying at home, I am strictly pro-choice. I believe it should be the woman's choice, and hers alone. After all, it is she who will be juggling home and career and family more than anyone else in the family because, unfortunately, even today our social system is male friendly and doesn't put the responsibility for "balancing" things on men. But that is matter for another post. I shouldn't digress.

Another thing - I never say "Working Moms" because I firmly believe ALL moms work (I have mentioned this in another post of mine - I think). I always say "Working Outside of Home Moms". That's just me :)

For me there never was a question. I grew up watching my mom balance work with home perfectly. I learnt from her that it is possible. And she brought me up believing that I MUST have a career. In our family it was a given that both, my brother and I will study, get a job and get married IN THAT ORDER. My parents taught me from the beginning that the most important thing for me to do was to be financially independent. If I ever showed signs of not taking my studies seriously, my mom would threaten me that she'd marry me off :D And it worked! I took my studies and persuit for a career seriously.

For reasons I have discussed in another post, my career stalled when I got married. But that didn't change my views on this matter. I still believed that a woman should work outside of home even after having children if she wanted to.

I have discussed my views on this in another post on the same debate. But that was in response to a post by MadMomma which, in turn, was in response to a comment of mine (and other similar comments). This time, I will just list my reasons for my choice without getting defensive or offensive. And my views in this matter are solely based on my personal experience and observations.

I work outside of home because I want to. And because I am not stay-at-home material. I believe a happy mother makes a happy family. For a long time I was not a happy mother. Because I had to stay at home. Not by choice. I have seen the effect a woman's unhappiness can have on her entire family - firsthand. I was that woman. There is a marked difference in my home's environment since I started working. But that is a choice that works for me and my family. My husband and I make it work. We work really hard at it so that my working outside of home affects S (and now M) in the least possible way. Because he knows how important it is for me.

I work for intellectual fulfillment. Yes. I need it. I want it. Nothing wrong in that. (I remember reading another post where the tone insinuated it is). When I was home with my daughter, I could feel my intellect stagnating. It doesn't happen to everyone. It happened to me because we were new to this country, with no friends. And later the friends that I did make were moms of my daughter's preschool buddies. We connected because our kids liked each other. There was no other reason. No other connection at an intellectual level. I am not saying that these moms weren't capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. They were. Many of them were very accomplished in their own fields. But when we met, our conversations revolved around our kids and their needs and our dreams for them and such. I wanted a break from that.

I wanted to work outside of home because I wanted to utilize my skills for something extra. I wasn't content just teaching my child math, and colors and alphabet. I didn't need the whole day to do that. I still teach her a million things in the time that I do get with her. I desparately wanted to be "needed" for my skills. And now, when I am on my maternity leave, I can tell from personal experience that it is a good feeling. When I get calls from my colleagues asking me to help them fix things that no one else can, I feel validated. I feel satisfied that I am making a difference that reaches far outside my home.

I wanted to work outside of home because I firmly believe that will make my daughters more confident and self-dependent. No - I take that back. I am not working to achieve this, but I am sure as a result of my working outside of home, this will happen. Working moms need every family member to pitch in to keep every thing going smoothly. The more things my daughters tackle in their day-to-day routine, the more independent they get, and confident too.

I work to bring in the extra paycheck. Because, like every other parent, I want to give my daughters a better life. I don't want them to have to take out loans to study. Granted it is easy to get student loans in this country but I am an old-fashioned Indian that way. I'll pay for my kids' education like my parents did for me. When I was in college, it was really a comfort to know that my parents would pay for my studies as long as I wanted to continue. On the other hand, J had to work full-time to put himself through graduate school. He would leave for work at 9:30 in the morning and return at 11 in night after classes. I believe he could have worked much harder at his studies if he didn't need to work full time to pay for it. And we are both sure we don't want to put our children through that kind of struggle.

I work outside of home because I worked very hard to get to this point. I didn't bear shitty behaviour from my uncle and aunt (yes I did) and still continue my studies for three long years to sit at home. I did it because I wanted to get somewhere. I went through that hardship to make a career for myself.

I don't believe that my kids will miss out on life if I work out of home. I don't think they will come to harm either. Of course, if I am going to work, I am going to make sure that I find good care for them. It will be criminal on my part if I don't do that. I will make sure that the care available to them is the best possible and will keep an eye on things to make sure everything remains the way I want it to.

I also work outside of home because I worry about the future. If something were to happen to J, I want to be able to provide for my kids without having to depend on anyone - even family. I have thought a lot about what I will do if worse came to worst. What if I cannot pay the mortgage on the house or save for the girls' future? I have even made plans in my mind(like moving to a low-cost-of-living state, or to a smaller house) and we are also looking into Life Insurance to make sure that the girls will be least affected should something happen to either or both of us. Recently a dear friend had emergency surgery and then later found out he has B-cell Lymphoma (cancer of the Lymphatic system). He has already been at home for a month. His wife had to take two weeks off to take care of him. His mom came here from India as soon as she heard about his surgery. This all involved expenses. If they didn't have any savings, they would have been in a serious jam right now. If his wife didn't work, she would have one more worry of finances on top of everything else that is going on. One has to be capable of and prepared for anything that life throws at them. It is easier to think that one can find a job if the need arises than to find an actual job. If, God forbid, the need arises there are going to be a lot of things clamoring for my attention and at that time looking for a job might be impossible for me even if my survival depended on it. In such a situation, I will have to accept the first job that comes my way instead of holding out for one that suits my qualifications and needs better. Of course, this is "galss half empty" kind of mentality but I always believed in hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

This is not a complete list of my reasons to work outside of home in any way. I have too many things going on right now to sit down and compile an exhaustive list. And the haze of sleep deprivation often obscures any rational thought I get in my mind. This is what came to my mind just as I was typing this post. I have been delaying the posting of it because I wanted to complete the list but now I can't think anymore. So... much... thinking... my... head... hurts...

Home is where the heart is....and my heart is lodged deep within my home. :)

[This post is written by Tharini of Winkie's Way.]

I never knew much about or thought too much about the terms SAHM and WM, before I came into the blogging world. And never have I thought so deeply about my own choices in this matter until I started to understand what a complicated decision it tends to be in many of our minds.

I love being at home. I l.o.v.e it. It is really as simple as that. I am qualified as an accountant, and have worked in consulting before I was married, and after coming here, I was lucky enough to secure a job with a small business firm, as a full time staff accountant. I worked full time, until Akhil was born. That was 4 years ago. And then, predictably, I took the next year and 1/2 off. I took a long holiday to India, and just generally got into the groove of being a mother. And I didn't miss my job one bit. That's when my boss called and asked me to come back. I wanted to work only part-time. He was ok with that. If my son was sick, I wanted days off. Fine, he said. And so I started working again. And Akhil started part-time babysitting. It was the perfect age for him too. At close to 2 years, he needed little periods of separation from me and interaction with the outside world. He got a bit of both, in a home environment. His babysitter even potty trained him for me, as a bonus. :)

When he was 2 and 1/2, he started Montessori, again part-time. It was the perfect arrangement for us. I had some time away from home and kid and got to use my mind in a professional capacity, and then I got the remainder of the time to spend like I wanted catching up with my son and his life. But even thru all this, there was always this yearning to be at home (sounds crazy I know!) and just be in my own space and do my own thing. That's just how I am. I love to just be. By myself. Being alone with my own thoughts does not bore or frighten me. I don't crave for external stimulation. I can always find loads of things to keep me busy in my space. So many new things to learn and discover....for instance...I took up sewing on my own once I had a chance to be home, I learnt a lot of new softwares, photo editing, home video editing, dabbled in a bit of craft work, began to write (my biggest love), caught up on my reading (second only to writing), and ultimately discovered that I have a interest in children's books and would love to try my hand at it. So even when I went to work and enjoyed it, I always looked forward to the times I could be home and do all these things that kept me happy.

So when I got pregnant with Sathya, it was the perfect opportunity to once again break free from those obligations and commit myself to a home life once more. I worked until my 8th month and then enjoyed my 4 walls the rest of the time. Now, he's 6 months old and I am still riding on that high wave of being free to be. I love having the time to actually go to the gym and allow myself a peaceful workout, rather than cramming it into an already packed day. I love cooking fresh meals 3 times a day and feeling satisfied that I am doing something that nurtures my family. I love trying to get better organised in keeping house, and having a clean home at any given point of time, such that if a guest were to drop in unexpectedly I wudnt have to scramble to tidy up. I love having a few uninterrupted hours with Sathya in the mornings, the way I used to with his brother. I would have hated to miss any chunk of his baby days. They're too precious, this is my last baby and time is flying already. I love making myself a hot cup of tea on a rainy day and just watch the raindrops, if I feel like it. And I love that I can just switch on the TV and watch a movie if that's what I felt like doing.

In essence, I just love these little freedoms that you have when you are on your own turf. I think its part of my Saggitarian tendency to not feel bound to anything, else there is the violent need to break free. Work always felt like a restriction of my impulses. I know that sounds utterly selfish, but this is what I have figured out to be the reasons why I do what I do. Sure, the money is tight on a single income. And with 2 home loans to support (here and back in India), we barely manage to get substantial savings. Perhaps that ought to bother me more, but somehow it doesn't. We live simply. As simply as we can and try everyday to be even more basic. Its like what Sheela said in her post....we curtail containable expenses like not subscribing to cable TV, having a very basic phone connection with no extra services, buy only the seasonal veggies and fruits which happen to be cheaper, don't go overboard buying things to do up the house, but instead work towards keeping it clean and clutter free, and in loads of other ways.

My husband is very very supportive. He is not an ambitious person either. In that way we have found ourselves very compatible. We like to drift along with the current, putting our trust in nature and our faith in our spiritual quest. And for my part, since I have learnt to be more and more organised with more and more time at home, he doesn't have much household duties. I see to that. But he is still a very involved and hands on father. And when I ask for help, he gives it without question. And I try to keep things stress free and pleasant for him at home. This works for both of us. I am happy in my element, and he is happy when I am happy, and when he can relax at home. Of course, the day he feels that he would find it helpful if I worked too, I will jump in to help. It will require a lot of sacrifice on my part but I will do it.

In any case, I don't see my SAH position as a permanent one. It is just something that I want to do right now. As time goes by and should my needs change, I would love to take up something of my own. Maybe a home business, or working in the non-profit sector, or getting involved in a cause, I would love to give my time and effort to something that I see would make a tangible difference to things that matter on this earth. I don't know what those things are yet for me....but I have faith that when the time comes, I will recognise my calling. Right now, I am cherishing this time I have for myself, this time to dedicate to nurturing my family in full...and to just be within, in peace.

On a final note...I think what is of value is to be happy today...whether we work outside for a pay or work at home for ourselves. Find contentment....find bliss. And learn to empathise sincerely with all other women and people. As women, we are amazingly resilient and when I see the sheer diversity of all the various choices we make in our lives, and try and balance everything to the best of our human abilities, I feel s.o i.m.m.e.n.s.e.l.y p.r.o.u.d of all of us. I read all the posts on this topic and just marvel at what a range of thoughts there is, and how they all lead ultimately, to the same simple end.....to find happiness, to do our best by our children and family, to be at peace. May we all get there, in this life, without too much heartache....bless everyone!

Maybe this is why I do what I do...

(This post by Sandeepa and the thoughts are entirely my opinion)

Why do I write this?

I was hesitant writing this because it is something very personal and I do not share it with everyone. But I also needed to get my thoughts straight maybe. The hubby says I am a “kinesthenics” person, I need to do to understand and that is why maybe I write to clear up the thoughts that are jumbled in my mind, the conflicts, the two opposite desires that I face every day of my life. And in a place where everyone is a Mother, maybe I am better understood

Why I did not and then want to stay at home?

While growing up, my goal had always been to do good in studies, to prepare for a career, to get a job. That was kind of the end, a nice job. That was all I wanted while I studied. It never ever crossed my mind that there could be anything else that I could want out of life. And that is how it was, a nice job out of Engg. School and I was happy.

When my hubby was asked by his company to move to the USA, I chucked my job, and moved for Grad Study. Now that I look back, I see, I never really said I wouldn’t move, I didn’t try to get into a Univ. which was in another State, in short I did not do anything to break the family routine. Maybe that was how I was, though I wanted a career, I wanted a family as much, albeit unconsciously.

While finishing up Grad School, I had a Plan A, to get a job in a company I have been aiming for all the 2 and ½ years of grad school, to have a baby, and join the company after 3 months. I never thought about daycare, about work life balance, nothing. The fact that the baby would go to daycare didn’t seem outrageous at that time, it was normal. Plan A seemed to go well in the initiation stage, and then there were heartbreaks and sorrow and no Plan B.

I graduated, preponed the job offer with the company and a month before joining found I had conceived again. Because of my past history, I was seeing a High risk Doctor who suggested that I should not do the 40 minute commute each way to my job and its better if I stay home. It was a brand new job and I couldn’t ask for a work from home option, neither did I even think of leaving it, so we used to stay during the week at a hotel near my office and weekends come home. Yes, that is how much I wanted to work then.

However soon after, I had to rush to the ER, middle of the night due to some emergencies. Soon there were 3 more ER visits and more complications and I was right in the hospital in complete bed rest for next 4 months. Fun, huh?

There I stayed in a small hospital room, unable to get up for even the basic necessities and all I could think and pray for is the little life which had not yet seen the light. I couldn’t get up for a shower or for anything else, couldn’t see the world outside except for the piece of sky visible from a window far from the bed, had no internet (how did I ever survive without Google ), nothing except a very caring family, friends, nurses and doctor. However everything else seemed so very unimportant and useless at that point. All the 4 months that I was there I could think of nothing and just hope and pray that everything went well this time

Why do I say all this?

Because it took all that and more to get me into the right perspective, to help me decide what was more important.

Because of what we had gone through, I had a radical change in my thoughts. I came to realize that there are many things that I can take upon myself and decide what to do, I can study and give a good exam, I can work hard and do good in my job, but there are certain things where I am helpless, the fact that my daughter was born healthy was a great gift for me and that is why her position is far above anything else in my life. The other stuff I can work towards and can achieve, so they can wait.

But this little girl needs me most because I am the one who is responsible for bringing her and I will just not be in peace delegating others to do it.

So I was at home till she turned 2. (Yes it helped that D supported my thoughts and we did manage to survive on a single income)

Why did I go back then?

It would be wrong if I said I was totally at peace staying at home. I did enjoy and had fun especially after S turned one and I could take her to library, the Mommy&Me etc., but I would also fret that I may not get a job because I was not utilizing the left side of my brain

Of course there was no time to utilize the left brain because I was utilizing my heart and two hands (and legs) much more. Now don’t think I was doing aerobics all day but staying at home with a baby without any outside help makes you do much more than cardio

Once S turned 2+ I wanted to go back to a job.

But not a full time one. A full time job is hardly ever 8 hours a day, it usually spills on to more and I couldn’t bear the thought of a 2 year old staying outside home for more than 5-6 hours. Again I think that until a child turns 5 or 6, home is the best place to be and if possible I would have loved to keep it that way with some hours of pre-school. Think of this, anyway all their life they have to do the 9-5 and even more routine so if possible why not give them some break now.

Finally I got what I was looking for, ok kind of. I have a nice balance now. S is 3 and enjoys her school. My job has minimum stress, less hours and as a result not much growth. But I still do the logical work I love doing and I have a very nice boss, so I get a lot of relaxed time with S including long weekday evening and also some time for myself.

My hands still itch and I want to shoot off my resume to a more demanding and challenging job. But when I think what I might lose in the process, I resolve to stay put until S turns 5.(Ok, the truth is I do not know even if I can do it when she is 5)

Does the child need me less when she turns 5?

No definitely not. But that seems to be an age when the child is more competent of doing their own stuff. Why do you think almost all over the word, the official age for a child to start school is 5 ? Why do you think some Mom friendly companies (IBM ? is there any other such company ?) gives 5 years off to a mother if she wants. In many European countries (I know of Germany because I worked for one of their companies) they have a policy to give the new Mom a break of 3 years (if she wants). So I think ideally a child needs to be close to home and to loved ones till a certain age.

I was NOT able to do it for all the 5 years and it saddens me.

What have I lost?

Nothing except for some material stuff which can be summed up as follows:

I get paid less. Doesn’t affect me much. I have never been much into clothes and stuff for myself so I don’t have to get the Dior hand bag and work for that. But yes, I do think financial independence is important especially in an economy which is so unsure of itself.
I miss working for a core technology company. I still have my hopes. Once S turns 5 I want to go back to a core technology company to do something more challenging and concentrate more on my work
I am nowhere near in career path where my friends who did not take breaks are. Fortunately some of them did and so it’s not that I am totally alone being the martyr.

What have I gained?

But this is what I want to do and be happy about. Even if S does not remember and she probably will not, (I hardly remember my life before I turned 5), I want to look back on these days and be happy because I think what I did, I did to be in peace with myself more than anything else.
I wanted to be there for her when she needed me and trusted me most. For my sake, I wanted to have fun with her without the nagging thought of pending work or deadlines.

As she grows up there will be more people in her life, she will slowly be able to use her instinct to know whom to trust, she will be able to voice her opinion, she will still need me albeit not every minute and I will be happy that I did do some work towards building a strong base of security and love in her.

Ooops, forgot to add, that going back to work also makes me happy, the constant thought that I am out of touch of what is happening in the tech industry is gone and I can keep myself updated which means a lot.

I still crib, when I have PMS and now if I do, I will come back and read this post

I think everyone of us has a story for doing what they are doing. There is no set rule and at times even the most carefully laid plans go awry. We are what our circumstances make us be and within that small boundary we try to exercise our choice and do the best for our children. Rejoice as at least we have the Freedom of Choice to whatever extent it might be.

Appreciation...

[This post is written by Tharini of Winkie's Way.]

When I read about the theme for August, I knew I wanted to pitch in with some of my own thoughts. And Sandeepa made my life sooo much easier, by asking me to share something which I had posted on my blog some weeks back. And here it is...

************

I have never, for a moment, had any doubts about my personal choice to stay home to bring up my kids. It is a simple, deep and abiding conviction....not just in the benefits of staying home, but also knowing that I could never be as happy outside. I prefer being my own boss, having the full freedom to decision-make and mostly not having to race with the clock to get here and there. I've done a bit of all that and have felt imprisoned by the added responsibility.

And for that very same reason, I admire my husband exceedingly. To be able to wake up at the same time every morning, complete the 45 minute round of personal grooming, hurriedly downing a carefully prepared breakfast and rushing to catch the bus, which he would have otherwise missed by a few seconds; getting to work on time, programming dedicatedly in front of the screen, neck getting sore, eyes glazing over...eating a lukewarm boxed meal of a lunch, and getting back home tired; to be faced by an oft grumpy wife and having to meet the attention needs of his energetic 4 year old...spending a precious 1 hour with him and a few quick minutes cooing to the little one, before the more mundane task of their meal and bedtime takes over; wanting to completely unwind and rest during the weekends, but having to make up for lost time with his older son, for whom even those 48 hours is too little for how much he wants to be with his father. Its not easy!!! And I am not envious of him. Only he can do all of that as gracefully as he does.

I admire how he takes care of the bills and bank statement, and while I am the certified accountant of the house owing to 3 letters, he is the unwavering, responsible manager. And for the load that this takes off my mind, I am eternally grateful, for I would have been miserable if I had to handle life's everyday finances. I'd much rather have the roller coaster ride of raising children anyday!

For that reason, I am sure he appreciates me too. He may not always think so consciously about all that I do, being so wrapped up in all that he does, but I can speak for the goodness of his heart and say that if ever the thought crossed his mind, he'd know that he was grateful.

...Grateful for how I, the sleep lover, disconsolately wake up each morning, to cook a fresh breakfast, pack his lunches making sure that it has the daily quota of nuts and snacks, dropping him off to the train station every morning, with a sleeping child in tow; many a times feeding him breakfast en route, just so he doesn't miss the most important meal of the day because he had to spend 5 extra minutes ironing that 100% cotton shirt; getting back home only to start the rush rush rush process again...this time to get an immobile preschooler breakfasted and ready for school, 2 nearly impossible tasks in a quick 45 minutes.

I know that if he got right into it, he would be grateful for the meal challenges that I face everyday....a solid heart healthy one for him, an all out fattening one for the scrawny little guy , baby food for the baby; and if he had a peep into my head, he would be sucked dizzyingly into the maze of thoughts that precede each other at lightening speed, with my actions trying to keep up. Maintaining the kids' naptimes, what to give them for their next snack, answering a myriad questions and requests for TV, games, splashing in the tub and wetting the bathroom floor....overwatering the plants, performing impressive but heart-alarming jumpinbg stunts, pacifying a crying baby, feeding him, worrying about not giving him enough stimulation to help his brain forge those vital connections...reading a book to the neglected older one, feeling guilty for not engaging him more fitfully, voice raising in decibels every few minutes despite repeated resolutions to amend...talking to him about his day, with a view to invest in keeping the lines of communication open for the future rebellious years...trying, at least mentally, to get some music time in, where he can learn the instrument, so that the next time we speak to his grandparents, I can say that I've done something worthwhile...coaching him repeatedly to talk in his mother tongue...fretting about how he shall learn to pray without any real inclination for it...and so much more.

He does what he can do best, and I do, what at the end of a chaotic day still makes me happy. We could switch roles...sure we could...and learn to do them, but we would not be cut out for it. Instead, what would enhance this precious balance we have going on is appreciation. A little time to conjecture and to appreciate the unique things that we do...and to say in a few simple, yet powerful catalystic words...thank you...you are wonderful and I feel so supported by you. Say it and you will find your feet dancing in the clouds and love flowing out of your hands in every task that you undertake after that. Say it and you have a recipe for total contentment...that blissful state of equanimity within and without!