(This post is by Sandeepa)
Since its been a while since I wrote a post for DMC and in the fear of getting banished from my own blog, I thought what could be a better come back than some “Pats” on my own back. So here’s my “pat on my own back” for this month’s lovely theme.
Before I go into it though let me say one thing, that Moms are always A+ as Moms i.e. they can be lousy as neighbours, as colleagues, or as any other entity but as Mothers to their kids there is no one better.
In Bengali we have a saying “Ku Putra jodi ba hoy, Ku Mata kabhu she noy”. Loosely translated it means a son/daughter can prove to be a bad son/daughter but a Mother can never be a bad one. Have heard this so many times when I was in the receiving end, during the tumultuous teenage years that its sure feels to be great and secure to be on the other side now.
I think whatever I have done for little S till date though, was more for my own comfort, my own happiness and so I cannot really take credit as a “good mom” for such things. If I didn’t want her to be with a stranger or at the daycare till the age of 2, it was solely because of my own comfort level. I don’t really think I did her any good by my decision, but yeah it did me loads of good.
Again if I have let her taken precedence over my career or my desire to go out and watch a movie or do something else, it is because of me more than for her. And again there have been times when I have gone off to watch the latest SRK with my friends, the little baby safe at home with the hubby, but I haven’t really felt the guilt.
However there are two things which I want myself to remember (of course when she is a obstinate teenager, I can tell her about the sleepless nights, the cradling and the walks every night around the house to make her sleep, the constant entertaining, the career put on hold, the constant chattering that I have to hear, the book that lies un read, the potato fries that she wants just so ….and she is going to turn a deaf year to such rants)….as things I should get the “Good Mom” scroll for.
Pat, Pat 1
Being from a state where every other house takes out their harmonium every evening and belts out Rabindra Sangeet, I am severely lacking in the singing & dancing dept. So when my little daughter can recognize tunes and even songs from the prelude I am visibly thrilled. When this little one expressed her desire to learn dance I was determined to make it a success and tracked down a teacher who taught Indian Classical Dance and promptly enrolled her.
Once in the class however the little dancing diva lost interest, grew shy and refused to move a feet to any of the beats. This continued for the first two classes.
I just wanted to chuck the class and thwart any further dancing attempts but she insisted that she wanted to dance but also wanted me to do so with her. Whoa…ME !!!!!!! Me with the two very out of beat left feet…dancing with a bunch of 4 – 6 year olds to some “ta ta..thai thai”. No way…I thought.
Next class, there I was holding my little girl's hand and trying to match steps with 5 other kiddos. After my several such miserable attempts she got the hang of the place though and left me alone and now enjoys her class even If I am not sitting & watching.
Some achievement that I would say, given that my own Ma had not been able to get me dance at the neighborhood dance school
Pat, Pat II
The next reason I take part credit (ok, the hubby deserves the better part of it) is for my daughter still speaking our mother tongue. Strange as it may sound, but many of my friends insisted that she would stop speaking Bengali as soon as she would start day care/pre-school.
She hasn’t done so yet. We do not speak English at home and in fact her Dad insists that he doesn’t even understand English, so she has to translate stuff that her friends or teacher has said for us. The translations turn out to be funny but her Bengali is impeccable. This is very dear to me because I love my language and my every visit to Kolkata ends up with loads of Bengali Fiction books being carted to the US. The fact that I could pass on the language to my own makes me feel maybe I did something good.
But then again she is only 4 and it is too short a time for me taking credit for anything at all. All I want her is to be a compassionate, kind, honest, happy and a good human being when she grows up and if she ever becomes that maybe I can deserve a small pat.
Showing posts with label Theme for February. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Theme for February. Show all posts
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Theme for February: Love Thyself
This post if by Poppins of Babiesanon.
I thought I had a patent on guilt before I met all these wonderful mothers on the internet. My biggest guilty feeling was that I didn't enjoy babies. I never cared much for kids, never hated them either. Just that they were not on my radar. That was the crux of the working mom's guilt for me. More than the typical "I leave my child for another to raise" sentiment, my guilt was that I enjoyed my time away. What kind of a mother enjoys being away from her own child?
Dear Me:
You know what I DO like about you? That despite the fact that selfishness comes easier to you than not, despite the fact that you STILL don't have a way with babies, you have dug in deep and sought out the maternal instinct in you. You did not merely fulfill your duty to your husband when you birthed a baby, but you strove to be the best mother you can be. Best not in the actual act of parenting, but in the emotions of parenting.
I remember how you were on the day you delivered your baby prematurely. Via the dreaded C-Section. It was sudden, your husband was not around, Poppin was in the ICU with low birthweight, there was worried family milling around, your milk hadn't come in and worst of all, you were slightly disappointed that you didn't get the boy that you had wanted.
But you showed a temperament, a calm and patient one, that is not your nature at all. On that day. And in the weeks that followed. You surprised and delighted me with your acceptance of the situation. Rather than ranting and raving about how life is unfair (as you always do otherwise), you calmly set about dealing with the situation. You put, maybe for the first time in your life, another's needs before yours. And you did it without any forethought, without feeling like a martyr, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. You loved your child instantly, and you focussed relentlessly on her wellbeing. All this very calmly and naturally. There were many moments later when I wish you would show this calm always, but that would be asking for too much huh?
Rest assured, whenever it has been crucial, you have done well. Remember the time when you had just moved back to India and a week after you started work for the first time, Poppin fell seriously ill? Do you remember that horrific moment when she just lay limp in your hands and you did not even have a paediatrician to call? How you and your FIL rushed into a Doctor's clinic. How you saw the innumerable people waiting outside, but just barged in anyway and pleaded to the Doctor, a little dramatically perhaps, to see your baby immediately? That day it was not your calm that helped you but your more natural intuition and flair for the dramatic. And your stubborn streak.
And then there are those everyday moments. Coming back from the office, always early, never late. Not just because you didn't want your child to feel deprived of your presence, but because you wisely knew that you are not indispensable at work, only to your own baby. And the night wakings. Despite all your complaints about the late night wakings, you always did it yourself. Never sought the help of another, because you viewed it as another chance to bond with your baby. Who knows maybe a long time from now, she will remember how she woke up in the middle of the night but you always attended to her. How when she was sick you slept with her on your lap? Maybe she won't remember that or the feeling of security, but you will and will be glad for it.
You work outside the home, but you know why you do it. You don't have to perhaps for the money, but you have to do it regardless. Maybe you do it because you want to be a role model to your girl. You don't want her to think that working outside the home is something only men do. You have gone through a lot of soul searching on this topic and I now concede that you know what you are doing. I know that if you ever felt that she was being shortchanged you would give it up in a heartbeat and not feel like you have sacrificed something. That's the beauty of it all. Who wants a mother who feels resentful about her choices anyway?
I like your parenting style too. You love her to death but are not afraid of being the unpopular parent when it comes to discipline. You get angry but never nasty. There's a difference. I think there is nothing more damaging to a child than a nasty parent. Without ever having thought much about babies and parenting before you had one, you surprised me with your clear picture of the kind of parent you want to be. And you know what, I think you will get there one day !
In the meantime, just don't forget to love yourself too.
I thought I had a patent on guilt before I met all these wonderful mothers on the internet. My biggest guilty feeling was that I didn't enjoy babies. I never cared much for kids, never hated them either. Just that they were not on my radar. That was the crux of the working mom's guilt for me. More than the typical "I leave my child for another to raise" sentiment, my guilt was that I enjoyed my time away. What kind of a mother enjoys being away from her own child?
Dear Me:
You know what I DO like about you? That despite the fact that selfishness comes easier to you than not, despite the fact that you STILL don't have a way with babies, you have dug in deep and sought out the maternal instinct in you. You did not merely fulfill your duty to your husband when you birthed a baby, but you strove to be the best mother you can be. Best not in the actual act of parenting, but in the emotions of parenting.
I remember how you were on the day you delivered your baby prematurely. Via the dreaded C-Section. It was sudden, your husband was not around, Poppin was in the ICU with low birthweight, there was worried family milling around, your milk hadn't come in and worst of all, you were slightly disappointed that you didn't get the boy that you had wanted.
But you showed a temperament, a calm and patient one, that is not your nature at all. On that day. And in the weeks that followed. You surprised and delighted me with your acceptance of the situation. Rather than ranting and raving about how life is unfair (as you always do otherwise), you calmly set about dealing with the situation. You put, maybe for the first time in your life, another's needs before yours. And you did it without any forethought, without feeling like a martyr, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. You loved your child instantly, and you focussed relentlessly on her wellbeing. All this very calmly and naturally. There were many moments later when I wish you would show this calm always, but that would be asking for too much huh?
Rest assured, whenever it has been crucial, you have done well. Remember the time when you had just moved back to India and a week after you started work for the first time, Poppin fell seriously ill? Do you remember that horrific moment when she just lay limp in your hands and you did not even have a paediatrician to call? How you and your FIL rushed into a Doctor's clinic. How you saw the innumerable people waiting outside, but just barged in anyway and pleaded to the Doctor, a little dramatically perhaps, to see your baby immediately? That day it was not your calm that helped you but your more natural intuition and flair for the dramatic. And your stubborn streak.
And then there are those everyday moments. Coming back from the office, always early, never late. Not just because you didn't want your child to feel deprived of your presence, but because you wisely knew that you are not indispensable at work, only to your own baby. And the night wakings. Despite all your complaints about the late night wakings, you always did it yourself. Never sought the help of another, because you viewed it as another chance to bond with your baby. Who knows maybe a long time from now, she will remember how she woke up in the middle of the night but you always attended to her. How when she was sick you slept with her on your lap? Maybe she won't remember that or the feeling of security, but you will and will be glad for it.
You work outside the home, but you know why you do it. You don't have to perhaps for the money, but you have to do it regardless. Maybe you do it because you want to be a role model to your girl. You don't want her to think that working outside the home is something only men do. You have gone through a lot of soul searching on this topic and I now concede that you know what you are doing. I know that if you ever felt that she was being shortchanged you would give it up in a heartbeat and not feel like you have sacrificed something. That's the beauty of it all. Who wants a mother who feels resentful about her choices anyway?
I like your parenting style too. You love her to death but are not afraid of being the unpopular parent when it comes to discipline. You get angry but never nasty. There's a difference. I think there is nothing more damaging to a child than a nasty parent. Without ever having thought much about babies and parenting before you had one, you surprised me with your clear picture of the kind of parent you want to be. And you know what, I think you will get there one day !
In the meantime, just don't forget to love yourself too.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Theme for February. A love letter to me.
I have been a wicked wicked person. I bop along, read all the posts greedily, and then saunter off without as much as a bye your leave. A lovely email from Sandeepa brought on those really hard to ignore guilt pangs, so here I am, posting on the wonderful theme suggested by Poppins mom. Something I think I really need to do, considering half the day goes in major self flagellation over being a terrible mom. So here goes.
Dear Kiran,
It has been four years and a couple of months since life as you knew it changed irrevocably. That is the word. Irrevocably. Nothing is the same anymore. It starts from your body which is now that of a mothers. No sleek concave belly allowing for a S shaped silhouette. Silvery lines crisscrossing the hips, thighs and abdomen. Breasts that have long been divorced from the word pert. And a lap that is meant for a little head to snuggle and sleep on. This is a mothers body. And you carry it with pride. You dont go around making excuses for not being perfect, because you are. Within you, you are now perfect and complete. The odd vaccuum you had within your soul has been filled. But now your heart and soul walks outside your body. And you are so proud of this little miracle come from you that your heart swells up and bursts with pride everytime you see him.
How you wanted a child, how you harrassed the husband. If there is one thing to be said about you, it is your determination to get what you want come hell or high water. You blinker out every possibility of a no. You switched doctors, you went to every specialist possible, you went through excruitiating tests and medical procedure, before finally, the two pink lines consented to appear on the urine test. It was shocking. The realisation that you were responsible for another beautiful human being growing inside you. That you would now, henceforth, never be able to think of yourself in isolation. That your identity would now change forever. You would be someone's mom. And you were grateful, that a soul had decided that your womb was worthy of nurturing it through to life.
When the brat was born you were terrified. Motherhood didnt come naturally to you. There were hiccups. You didnt know how to handle such a little child. You were so very afraid of doing anything wrong. And there were the issues at home. Prickly issues. You almost went insane with depression. But you pulled through. You soldiered on, because you were needed. For the first time in your life, you felt indispensable. And you knew you were.
Such a beautiful child. You felt you were not doing enough. You were a lazy mother. But in reality, you were an obsessed mother, your every minute revolved around the brat. His meals, his play, his bathing, his clothes, you supervised and did everything. You have friends who have hired maids to do everything for their children and suggested you do the same. To give yourself more time. You found that blasphemous. The child was your responsibility completely. Till today, you do everything, bathe, feed, clothe, pick up and drop to school, to therapy, to the park, to the mall, to birthday parties. You have devoted yourself 24 x7 to the brat. It isnt being insane and obsessed, and being a helicopter mother, it is knowing that no one will be able to handle the brat as well as you do. And you do it without even thinking about it, until someone points out that you have put your life and career on complete hold. And once the brat grows up a little, he wont need you as much, then what will you do with yourself. You will cross that bridge when it arrives, you say. Right now, he needs me. Right now, he gets all of me.
You sit and calculate whether he's got the recommended dosages of vitamins and minerals in his daily diet, whether he's got enough play, whether he seems happy and content in his sleep. Is he sleeping well, eating well? It isnt easy to put yourself second and you've done that without a murmur. So have most moms you know. And it is how it should be.
But yet, you are a strong woman. You fight for the brat. You believe in him and his abilities. His innate intelligence. His charm despite his tantrums. You believe you have a child who is a rough diamond. And you are doing all you can to polish it to a brilliance that will blind the world.
And at the end of the day, you know that all you are really doing, is repaying your debt to your wonderful mother. And still falling short.
You are a great mom. Even if you lose your temper a couple of times a day.
Love,
Kiran.
(This post by Kiran of www.karmickids.blogspot.com)
Dear Kiran,
It has been four years and a couple of months since life as you knew it changed irrevocably. That is the word. Irrevocably. Nothing is the same anymore. It starts from your body which is now that of a mothers. No sleek concave belly allowing for a S shaped silhouette. Silvery lines crisscrossing the hips, thighs and abdomen. Breasts that have long been divorced from the word pert. And a lap that is meant for a little head to snuggle and sleep on. This is a mothers body. And you carry it with pride. You dont go around making excuses for not being perfect, because you are. Within you, you are now perfect and complete. The odd vaccuum you had within your soul has been filled. But now your heart and soul walks outside your body. And you are so proud of this little miracle come from you that your heart swells up and bursts with pride everytime you see him.
How you wanted a child, how you harrassed the husband. If there is one thing to be said about you, it is your determination to get what you want come hell or high water. You blinker out every possibility of a no. You switched doctors, you went to every specialist possible, you went through excruitiating tests and medical procedure, before finally, the two pink lines consented to appear on the urine test. It was shocking. The realisation that you were responsible for another beautiful human being growing inside you. That you would now, henceforth, never be able to think of yourself in isolation. That your identity would now change forever. You would be someone's mom. And you were grateful, that a soul had decided that your womb was worthy of nurturing it through to life.
When the brat was born you were terrified. Motherhood didnt come naturally to you. There were hiccups. You didnt know how to handle such a little child. You were so very afraid of doing anything wrong. And there were the issues at home. Prickly issues. You almost went insane with depression. But you pulled through. You soldiered on, because you were needed. For the first time in your life, you felt indispensable. And you knew you were.
Such a beautiful child. You felt you were not doing enough. You were a lazy mother. But in reality, you were an obsessed mother, your every minute revolved around the brat. His meals, his play, his bathing, his clothes, you supervised and did everything. You have friends who have hired maids to do everything for their children and suggested you do the same. To give yourself more time. You found that blasphemous. The child was your responsibility completely. Till today, you do everything, bathe, feed, clothe, pick up and drop to school, to therapy, to the park, to the mall, to birthday parties. You have devoted yourself 24 x7 to the brat. It isnt being insane and obsessed, and being a helicopter mother, it is knowing that no one will be able to handle the brat as well as you do. And you do it without even thinking about it, until someone points out that you have put your life and career on complete hold. And once the brat grows up a little, he wont need you as much, then what will you do with yourself. You will cross that bridge when it arrives, you say. Right now, he needs me. Right now, he gets all of me.
You sit and calculate whether he's got the recommended dosages of vitamins and minerals in his daily diet, whether he's got enough play, whether he seems happy and content in his sleep. Is he sleeping well, eating well? It isnt easy to put yourself second and you've done that without a murmur. So have most moms you know. And it is how it should be.
But yet, you are a strong woman. You fight for the brat. You believe in him and his abilities. His innate intelligence. His charm despite his tantrums. You believe you have a child who is a rough diamond. And you are doing all you can to polish it to a brilliance that will blind the world.
And at the end of the day, you know that all you are really doing, is repaying your debt to your wonderful mother. And still falling short.
You are a great mom. Even if you lose your temper a couple of times a day.
Love,
Kiran.
(This post by Kiran of www.karmickids.blogspot.com)
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
A "love"ly theme for February
(This post is by Poppins of Babies Anonymous)
A long time ago I promised Sandeepa that I would do the theme for February. And then I promptly went and got pregnant and forgot all about it. Until the gentle nudge from her :) Meanwhile I see that there's another interesting theme for February already floated by Priya (of priyainsuburbia.wordpress.com)
Well why don't we do both?
Here's my idea and it seems especially appropriate this month. Write yourself a love letter. A real honest to goodness love letter about what a wonderful mother you are. What a wonderful job you're doing with your kid(s). Whether you've given up a career to take care of them or whether you're balancing a hundred eggs all at once, you KNOW you are doing a terrific job. Sure, there's always something that you could've done better. There's always something to feel guilty about. But in the end, you know that you've done your very best.
Why don't we Desi Momz, banish the G word (G=GUILT) from our lives (OK atleast this month) and give ourselves the best valentines' day card ever? Go on, write that post, tell us exactly what you love about your parenting style! What have you done for your child beyond the call of duty? Give yourself a pat on the back (and let us do the same)
While you're at it, why not make a valentines day craft project with your child? Tell your child it is for Mamma, and be prepared to be surprised by the super enthusiastic response !
Ready? Don't forget to use the label " Theme for February"
A long time ago I promised Sandeepa that I would do the theme for February. And then I promptly went and got pregnant and forgot all about it. Until the gentle nudge from her :) Meanwhile I see that there's another interesting theme for February already floated by Priya (of priyainsuburbia.wordpress.com)
Well why don't we do both?
Here's my idea and it seems especially appropriate this month. Write yourself a love letter. A real honest to goodness love letter about what a wonderful mother you are. What a wonderful job you're doing with your kid(s). Whether you've given up a career to take care of them or whether you're balancing a hundred eggs all at once, you KNOW you are doing a terrific job. Sure, there's always something that you could've done better. There's always something to feel guilty about. But in the end, you know that you've done your very best.
Why don't we Desi Momz, banish the G word (G=GUILT) from our lives (OK atleast this month) and give ourselves the best valentines' day card ever? Go on, write that post, tell us exactly what you love about your parenting style! What have you done for your child beyond the call of duty? Give yourself a pat on the back (and let us do the same)
While you're at it, why not make a valentines day craft project with your child? Tell your child it is for Mamma, and be prepared to be surprised by the super enthusiastic response !
Ready? Don't forget to use the label " Theme for February"
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