A little late to this party - have been busy with the baby shower and with manufacturing more siblings for my son :)
I have posted about this quite often on my blog. I think having a sibling is one of the best things that could happen to a child. There are so many benefits, from the ones for the parents ( i.e. free time because the sibs are busy playing/ fighting with each other) to those for the kids themselves - they learn to share, they learn to stand up for their own rights, they learn to watch out for those weaker or younger than them...most of all it is the emotional bond between the two which is the biggest reason to have more than one child. My son has grown up so much since the days that he used to get jealous of the attention his baby sister got - now he's her protector, even against us. He finds it so easy to share even his most favourite things. I think the festival of Rakhi has come to mean more to me because of the way my two have bonded.
Some of the things that I think we did right:
1. Involved him from the beginning when we conceived Puddi - took him for the ultrasounds, let him feel her kicking around. Of course, we may have overdone the up-talk about having a new playmate because when this small, wailing, poopy thing emerged after the long wait - boy was he disappointed.
2. We divided and conquered - A got some paternity leave and spent most of his time with Chubbocks. I had to go for daily physiotherapy sessions for a broken ankle so we always took Chubbocks along so he would get some time alone with us, sans baby. Even now, on some weekends, we plan activities that she can't participate in so gets some time alone with us.
3. We never compared and contrasted and thankfully neither did any of our visitors.
4. We were watchful but we also let him help with the baby - bring her bottle or diapers, button her shirt etc.
5. Most of all, we were as patient as we knew how when he went through a jealous phase - listened, paid him more attention, tried to explain, let him work it out. That I think was the most important - had we become judgemental or admonitory during that phase, the jealousy might have continued.
That's about it and the way the two of them are going, I think they'll be fine company for the third one - and hope we poor parents, soon to be outnumbered - will survive to tell the tale!
Showing posts with label siblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label siblings. Show all posts
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sibling Rivalry - how we tried to keep it at bay
[This post is by mummyjaan of Apya and Bubbu. It took forever to write because I got sidetracked by lots of other things, including a few trips around the country, and this past week the baby shower was just too exciting to miss :), so I apologize for posting almost near the end of the month.]
When I had my second child, my older one was a few months shy of 3 years old. She had been used to being the centre of attention, and I had several worries on my mind, but the most important concern was: how would I make sure she wouldn't feel left out? and how would I make sure that if she harboured any resentment, she wouldn't take it out on the baby?
Looking back at those early months, I think we weathered those days pretty well. Not to make this post long, but these were some of the ideas we tried and found useful, and some memories that I would like to share with you try not to get bored now :
1. A gift for the big sister close to the time of the birth. This was advice given by many friends; my opinion: it worked, in so far as it made her happy. (My husband got her a small toy kitchen - it was perfect at her age - she loved it and spent many happy hours cooking and serving us).
Our friends suggested telling her it was a gift 'from the baby', but that would have meant a blizzard of questions from my inquisitive chatterbox, so we preferred 'a gift for you on the occasion of the new baby'. This was accepted happily without question.
2. We brought Apya to the hospital often to see the baby and spend time with her. She absolutely loved it. ("Let's take her home, Mummy, why don't we go home now?" on Day 1). She was totally fascinated by Bubbu's tininess and loved to look at her, hold her, talk to her, and cuddle her. She wanted to do everything: feed her, change her nappy, etc. so it was a bit difficult to 'control' her, in a way.
My mom was worried about having a 3-year-old close by the baby and would screech and gasp often ("Ohhh, she might hurt the baby" - that sort of thing) whenever Apya got too close to her. I didn't see what the fuss was about, and let her come close as often as she wanted to, after explaining to Apya that she wasn't allowed to push her, hit her or sit on her, but she could pretty much do whatever else she wanted - under my close supervision, of course. My mom found this rather careless and permissive, but if you look at it from my point of view - I trusted my older child - that she would not do anything to harm the baby, and in retrospect, I was glad I had not applied any restrictions on their interaction. It helped her become attached to the baby.
I did have to be more watchful of my older one when she was tired or cranky for some other reason - we dealt with some pulling arms and over-enthusiastic kisses and cuddles which made baby cry and that sort of thing.
3. Long before the baby was due, we had begun talking of her as "our baby", including Big Sister in the 'our'. Very often, we referred to her as "your baby" and "your baby sister", thus trying to reinforce that sisterly bond. I really think this was our most helpful strategy.
With the result, Apya really did think of the Bubbu as 'hers' from an early stage; we, the parents, in her opinion, were rather like caretakers, but it was 'her Baby'. This made her quite as protective of the little one as we were ourselves.
For instance, I would be reminded to pick the baby up if she began crying, or she would let me know that the Baby had woken up and was scratching her face.
She was over-enthusiastic and would insist on changing the baby's nappy or her clothes. When I explained that she was too little, she would become quite downcast. Finally, I reached a compromise by letting her fasten the tab on one side of the nappy or letting her button up the last one or two buttons on the baby's clothes. It made her feel as though she was doing something.
4. Be watchful when the older one is tired. Apya went through a phase when she tried to bite Bubbu. This was when the baby was about 4 months old. I just never left them alone at those times. (After the first warning bite, that is :D, which, fortunately, was a gentle one). Some days, I had to be very vigilant, but that was it. This was probably "the phase" when her jealousy came out, only she didn't know how to express it.
5. As they grow older, I notice that when I lavish too much attention on the Bubbu, Apya's expression changes - when I then shower her with the same attention she brightens up.
6. This point should have gone first, really. Having my parents around for Apya was a tremendous help. I am convinced I would have really struggled without them. While I looked after the baby and myself, my parents looked after my older child (and husband), fed her them ;), played with her, kept her occupied. For the first couple of months after the birth, I did little for my older child except read her a story and put her to bed at night. Hubby took over her bath-times and taking her out to play.
As Trishna mentioned in her post - that she would like to have a little sibling for Aadya - I know I had no. 2 because I really wanted my daughter to have a younger sibling - preferably a little sister. In that respect, we were blessed. It's wonderful to see them play together. I don't even mind seeing them fall out with each other now and then - they make up soon enough.
Certainly, I went through a phase where I thought one child was enough. With one, my yearning to have children was completely satisfied. However, as she turned two, my husband and I both felt that we couldn't always amuse her whims - it became apparent that a child needs another child. Preschool only partially filled the gap. I remembered my own childhood and teenage as an only child and thought, if I can give my children this gift - the affectionate bond of sibling-hood - why shouldn't I?
I am so glad they have each other.
When I had my second child, my older one was a few months shy of 3 years old. She had been used to being the centre of attention, and I had several worries on my mind, but the most important concern was: how would I make sure she wouldn't feel left out? and how would I make sure that if she harboured any resentment, she wouldn't take it out on the baby?
Looking back at those early months, I think we weathered those days pretty well. Not to make this post long, but these were some of the ideas we tried and found useful, and some memories that I would like to share with you
1. A gift for the big sister close to the time of the birth. This was advice given by many friends; my opinion: it worked, in so far as it made her happy. (My husband got her a small toy kitchen - it was perfect at her age - she loved it and spent many happy hours cooking and serving us).
Our friends suggested telling her it was a gift 'from the baby', but that would have meant a blizzard of questions from my inquisitive chatterbox, so we preferred 'a gift for you on the occasion of the new baby'. This was accepted happily without question.
2. We brought Apya to the hospital often to see the baby and spend time with her. She absolutely loved it. ("Let's take her home, Mummy, why don't we go home now?" on Day 1). She was totally fascinated by Bubbu's tininess and loved to look at her, hold her, talk to her, and cuddle her. She wanted to do everything: feed her, change her nappy, etc. so it was a bit difficult to 'control' her, in a way.
My mom was worried about having a 3-year-old close by the baby and would screech and gasp often ("Ohhh, she might hurt the baby" - that sort of thing) whenever Apya got too close to her. I didn't see what the fuss was about, and let her come close as often as she wanted to, after explaining to Apya that she wasn't allowed to push her, hit her or sit on her, but she could pretty much do whatever else she wanted - under my close supervision, of course. My mom found this rather careless and permissive, but if you look at it from my point of view - I trusted my older child - that she would not do anything to harm the baby, and in retrospect, I was glad I had not applied any restrictions on their interaction. It helped her become attached to the baby.
I did have to be more watchful of my older one when she was tired or cranky for some other reason - we dealt with some pulling arms and over-enthusiastic kisses and cuddles which made baby cry and that sort of thing.
3. Long before the baby was due, we had begun talking of her as "our baby", including Big Sister in the 'our'. Very often, we referred to her as "your baby" and "your baby sister", thus trying to reinforce that sisterly bond. I really think this was our most helpful strategy.
With the result, Apya really did think of the Bubbu as 'hers' from an early stage; we, the parents, in her opinion, were rather like caretakers, but it was 'her Baby'. This made her quite as protective of the little one as we were ourselves.
For instance, I would be reminded to pick the baby up if she began crying, or she would let me know that the Baby had woken up and was scratching her face.
She was over-enthusiastic and would insist on changing the baby's nappy or her clothes. When I explained that she was too little, she would become quite downcast. Finally, I reached a compromise by letting her fasten the tab on one side of the nappy or letting her button up the last one or two buttons on the baby's clothes. It made her feel as though she was doing something.
4. Be watchful when the older one is tired. Apya went through a phase when she tried to bite Bubbu. This was when the baby was about 4 months old. I just never left them alone at those times. (After the first warning bite, that is :D, which, fortunately, was a gentle one). Some days, I had to be very vigilant, but that was it. This was probably "the phase" when her jealousy came out, only she didn't know how to express it.
5. As they grow older, I notice that when I lavish too much attention on the Bubbu, Apya's expression changes - when I then shower her with the same attention she brightens up.
6. This point should have gone first, really. Having my parents around for Apya was a tremendous help. I am convinced I would have really struggled without them. While I looked after the baby and myself, my parents looked after my older child (and husband), fed
As Trishna mentioned in her post - that she would like to have a little sibling for Aadya - I know I had no. 2 because I really wanted my daughter to have a younger sibling - preferably a little sister. In that respect, we were blessed. It's wonderful to see them play together. I don't even mind seeing them fall out with each other now and then - they make up soon enough.
Certainly, I went through a phase where I thought one child was enough. With one, my yearning to have children was completely satisfied. However, as she turned two, my husband and I both felt that we couldn't always amuse her whims - it became apparent that a child needs another child. Preschool only partially filled the gap. I remembered my own childhood and teenage as an only child and thought, if I can give my children this gift - the affectionate bond of sibling-hood - why shouldn't I?
I am so glad they have each other.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Theme for April 2008: Sibling Love
Theme for April 2008.
Hi, there, Desi Mommies!
Doing well? Good, I hope so.
Momnesia had me in its grip these past 4 days, and I needed a gentle prod from Sandeepa to announce this month's theme :).
Our friend Sogno had her second baby recently, and we know quite a few of the mommies around the desi blogosphere will be welcoming their second children in the coming months.
As we all know, life with a child is one thing, and life with more than one is a different story altogether. Two (just the parents) is company; three (with an energetic bundle between them) is a crowd; four is , perhaps .... a celebration! Or the perfect circle for Ring a ring 'o roses.
I grew up as an only child, and the close relationship between siblings is something I had only seen from a distance. I remember one of my classmates ranting about something her sister did, to end with a sigh, and then, "Brothers and sisters, can't live with them, can't live without them!" I remember being perplexed by it and not quite 'getting it'. Till now, when I see my own little ones prancing about, hand in hand. It has its pleasant moments; it has its challenges.
For me, the arrival of the second one put many thoughts and doubts in my mind - these challenging questions resurface every few days: how will I be able to lavish the same time and attention on the second one as I did on the first? how do I make them feel equally loved? how do I avoid favouritism?
For this month, I'd like the moms who have already had 2 (or more) to share their stories, helpful experiences and tips about life with two (or more) children. How did you welcome your second bundle into your home? How did your first little love take it? How and when did sibling rivalry present itself in your home and how did you tackle it? Or, how did you avoid it and what approach did you find helpful to prevent it?
That would leave out a lot of mommies who are enjoying their first one; I say, post anything related to brothers and sisters. A favourite childhood memory, perhaps. A special anecdote. Anything which celebrates the special bond between sister and sister, brother and sister, and brother and brother. (Or even not; rants welcome too).
So this time at Desi Momz, let's dedicate the month to Sibling Love.
(Please remember to label your post 'Theme for April 2008'.)
[This post is by Mummyjaan of Apya and Bubbu]
Hi, there, Desi Mommies!
Doing well? Good, I hope so.
Momnesia had me in its grip these past 4 days, and I needed a gentle prod from Sandeepa to announce this month's theme :).
Our friend Sogno had her second baby recently, and we know quite a few of the mommies around the desi blogosphere will be welcoming their second children in the coming months.
As we all know, life with a child is one thing, and life with more than one is a different story altogether. Two (just the parents) is company; three (with an energetic bundle between them) is a crowd; four is , perhaps .... a celebration! Or the perfect circle for Ring a ring 'o roses.
I grew up as an only child, and the close relationship between siblings is something I had only seen from a distance. I remember one of my classmates ranting about something her sister did, to end with a sigh, and then, "Brothers and sisters, can't live with them, can't live without them!" I remember being perplexed by it and not quite 'getting it'. Till now, when I see my own little ones prancing about, hand in hand. It has its pleasant moments; it has its challenges.
For me, the arrival of the second one put many thoughts and doubts in my mind - these challenging questions resurface every few days: how will I be able to lavish the same time and attention on the second one as I did on the first? how do I make them feel equally loved? how do I avoid favouritism?
For this month, I'd like the moms who have already had 2 (or more) to share their stories, helpful experiences and tips about life with two (or more) children. How did you welcome your second bundle into your home? How did your first little love take it? How and when did sibling rivalry present itself in your home and how did you tackle it? Or, how did you avoid it and what approach did you find helpful to prevent it?
That would leave out a lot of mommies who are enjoying their first one; I say, post anything related to brothers and sisters. A favourite childhood memory, perhaps. A special anecdote. Anything which celebrates the special bond between sister and sister, brother and sister, and brother and brother. (Or even not; rants welcome too).
So this time at Desi Momz, let's dedicate the month to Sibling Love.
(Please remember to label your post 'Theme for April 2008'.)
[This post is by Mummyjaan of Apya and Bubbu]
Monday, October 15, 2007
Siblings
When we were expecting our second child, we knew we had to be careful about how to break this into little A's world, since he had been the only child in the family for a good three years. We diligently spoke to him about the new baby and how it would be a great playmate for him, pointed to our own siblings and in general tried to reassure him that it would be a fun experience. The poor kid! First of all, when he came to the hospital the day of the delivery, his visit unfortunately coincided with my being wheeled out of surgery and in a state of general anesthesia-induced oblivion, which really spooked him out. Then, when he saw the baby, his face fell. This mewling, red, tiny little thing was expected to be his playmate/ friend?
He was really disappointed by the baby-ness of the new entrant, and the fact that I had to spend oodles of time with it didn't help, and neither did the fact that I couldn't play with him at the time, thanks to various reasons. He went through his share of tantrums and jealousies over the year.
One of the most rewarding sights to see, however, a year and a half after the baby entered our lives, is them interacting and playing together. Littler a watches her big bro in fascination and imitates everything he does, from sitting on the tricycle to trying to do paltis. And Big brother little a loves to entertain her with his crazy antics and make her laugh. He even insists on pushing her stroller when we go for a walk, hugs her when she cries ( usually when he's snatched back his toy that she has been playing with) and gives her a taste of whatever he's eating ( I really have to watch out when he does that, since many of the things he eats may not be ok for a toddler). My husband, A, took a great picture of them this weekend, which says it all!
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