A letter to myself.

By Shruthi

Thank you, Poppin's Mom, for a wonderful theme for this month. We do need this, don't we? :)

Dear Shruthi,

Stand up, and take a bow. You are doing beautifully.

You didn't think, did you, that you had so much patience, so much love, and so much tolerance in you?

Did you ever think that you would, without a moment's hesitation, put someone else's needs before yours, and not grudge it, or expect anything in return?

Did you ever think that you would spend sleepless nights and have excruciating backaches because of a certain someone, and yet, love her to bits?

You are not too far into mommyhood yet, and there are a thousand challenges ahead. But hey, you know what, having watched you these nine months, I can confidently tell you that you will handle it all with ease.

Follow your heart, go by your instincts, and do what you think is right. You want to bring up a responsible, mature individual - don't worry, you will do just that.

Shruthi, you are a wonderful mom, and you know that. So don't let anybody convince you otherwise.

Love you.

Shruthi.

You are doing well

It was my birthday on the 19th of February and I had decided to write a small note to myself,telling me how I was doing a good job.That was going to be my gift to myself-to read when I am especially low.So,when I saw the two themes for this month,I knew immediately,what I was going to do.So,here's my love letter to myself!

Dear Trish,

So, you are a mom now..sometimes I still can't believe it..for in my mind's eye-I still see you as a little girl-sometimes you are just a rebellious teenager,the tomboy who loved babies.That was probably the only thing girlie about you! And now-Look at you! You have a little girl of your own.WOW!

Your baby-it reminds of those months when you were so tensed and desperate to have a baby,the countless pregnancy test strips you used and the battery of tests you went through anxiously,not once but three times.I remember your disappointment and depression but more than that I remember how after every "negative"pregnancy test,you would smile and think.. OH.. so there is still a next time. All your friends were getting pregnant and almost always you were one of the first few to know the news.I really admire you for always being happy for them..You were never ever envious.I was and am really proud of you for that! And may be that's why you were blessed with this miracle called Aadya.

The day you heard those magical words -"You are PREGNANT"-I knew you were in for something big!What I didn't know was how well you would change to new situation.You,who always promptly forgot to take her medicine,the day after you visited a doctor,was suddenly so diligent about those progesterone supplements that you had to take for the whole of first trimester-you even remembered to take you prenatal vitamins.And what you did with your diet to keep your sugars in control after finding out about gestational diabetes-awesome!You did well!Every time you were feeling low,you would come out of it.thinking its all for the baby,its worth it! My dear girl,you were already a mom,even before having a baby.

Though I thought it was weird at the time,but you were so nonchalant about the possibility of having a C-section.Now I think it was really brave of you,for so many have balked at just the mere mention of the C word. And it was out of sheer determination that you walked from your room,to the nursery,to see your baby just minutes after getting the IV and catheter out.But,I need to make sure everything is OK,you said.

Breastfeeding presented another challenge and you hit it head on! There again,I was pleasantly surprised.You just didn't give up. Even after having been told by the Lactation consultant,that may be its not meant to be,you kept trying and trying and you succeeded.If Aadya is a breast-fed baby today,its all because of your persistence.She cried,you cried,S got all upset-every 3 hours was a fresh start but you kept at it.I cannot praise you enough here.I am so proud of you !

You started giving her massages,when she was just 6 days old-forgetting about your own discomfort and pain from the surgery-you didn't want her to miss out on any pampering,just because she is not in India surrounded by a houseful of relatives.You wanted to do everything for her yourself,even if you were exhausted beyond belief."But no one else can do what a mom can" is what you said..and I agree with you on this one.And Aadya could hold her head up at one month old was reward enough for you! I admire you for having forgotten your own pain,to do something to comfort her. I am really proud of you for putting up a brave front when S fell sick and being strong for him and little Aadya.

When you had to take a decision about whether or not to take your 17day old baby to get her ECG done,you decided instantly,that its better to get it checked than procrastinate.You who would wait forever before deciding to go to a doctor-Good show!This new attitude of yours makes me happy.

The first time Aadya started throwing up violently and you guys had to rush her to ER, you were so calm and collected.Even when Aadya looked up at you and moaned and I know,that moment your heart broke into a million tiny pieces,but you held back tears,held her close and even managed to tell everything to the doctor without forgetting even the tiniest details. I guess that's what being is mom is...and I must tell you,you are doing a good job.

She is thriving,she is a happy baby(knock on the wood) and she is smart and confident too.Surely that means something.Surely you are doing something right.Her dad is a big part of her life but he knows and agrees that you are one cool Mamma!Every time she says Mamma,I know your heart swells up with pride...and listen try not to worry,the separation anxiety will slowly go away- that doesn't mean that you are doing something wrong.Its a phase,so honey,please don't take it personally.

Ohh and its OK to lose your head sometimes... don't feel guilty every time you get angry-You are a mom but you are human too...And don't feel guilty every time,she cries when you stop her from doing something...its OK,its for her own good.After all you are the first one who rushes to pick up and hug her,when she needs something or is hurt. For all the times that you are strict with Aadya,for all the times you stop her from doing something and she breaks into tears,and you hold back your tears- Good job! For I know its not easy for you to not break into tears.Just keep up the good work..And if you need a breather,crazy old me is always around.
You are a great mom, be good, take care of Aadya and her papa but don't forget to take care of yourself!
Love and hugs,
Trish
Cross-posted at My Sunshine

Dear Me!

Dear Cee,

You are going through a tough time right now. You need this letter. I would normally not write such a letter, but right now I feel you could use one. I know at times you feel you are slipping back into depression. You are fighting the battle of the bulge (and Oh! What a bulge it is!!), worried that you will develop Type 2 diabetes or a heart condition if you don't lose all that weight. You desparately want to be here to watch your lovely daughters grow up. I am writing this letter to tell you that I believe in you. You can do it. You are a determined woman - there is nothing you can't do, if you put your mind to it.

I know you often wonder if your family even needs you. Everything that you do for your family can easily be done by a maid as well. Let me tell you this - no maid could do it as lovingly as you do. Yes, the work can be done. But only you put your heart in it. No one else will. Only you can love your daughters the way you do. No one else can anticipate their needs like you do even before they realize they need something. No one will go to the lengths that you do for your daughters. Remember? You said you would NEVER go for IVF. But you did. Why? Because the older one was miserable being an only child and you couldn't watch her pain. You, who was (and still is) scared to death of needles. You jabbed yourself with needles for two whole cycles just because you wanted to try your best for your older daughter's sake. You were lucky that the second cycle took - even though the doctor had warned you that it most probably wouldn't. But it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't gathered the courage to take that first appointment.

We both know that you are not perfect. Heck, you never even conciously thought about having kids! When J asked you if you were ready to start a family, you asked for two months to make up your mind and to prepare yourself emotionally and mentally for motherhood. Until you had S, you had never seen a newborn, leave alone held one in your arms. But motherhood came naturally to you (or so you like to think!). You instinctively knew how to hold your baby, how to care for her, what could make her uncomfortable and what would comfort her. So much so that you often stood up against everybody else. You stood your ground when everyone else around you (except the pediatrician) said you didn't need to boil the bottles for 20 minutes, and what a waste of fuel it was. You stood your ground for trivial things like not sweetening all your baby's food and for non-trivial ones like discipline. Over time, everyone in the family has come to respect your parenting skills.

But you and I both know that you are still a long way form "Parent of the Year" award. You are impatient. At times you are short tempered. You sometimes yell, even though you always say sorry for it later. You are a tough disciplinarian - which is good but you do need to learn to let go at times, dear. I have to say though - you have changed yourself so much in the last few years. You were a worry wart. Stressed out so very easily. A control freak who just worried about getting everything done exactly the way it should be done and never seemed to find time for fun. You didn't know how to live in the moment. Now? You have learned to manage your stress, you worry less and have let go of so many control issues that sometimes you wish you had some. I must say you are constantly trying to improve yourself - at least as a parent. Keep up the good work! I'll be right there, by the sidelines - cheering you on.

Lovingly yours,

Cee

February 08 Theme Post

Edit 2/26/08 - Added Label, Added Identifying Info:

(Written by Priya of Dreaming in Suburbia . Also posted there.)

You know what I felt when I read all the other theme posts ? That even though we all try our hardest to be good mothers (and no doubt we are) none of us consider ourselves to be good mothers. We beat ourselves up about all the little things we miss, and lack the confidence to appreciate ourselves when we do get it right. But perhaps these posts will help us overcome that.

My post isn't any different. But it is honest. I wrote the first thing that came to mind, because if I overanalyze, I'll end up creating an impression of myself that's perhaps not totally correct.

So here goes:

Dear Priya,

You know what I like about you the most ? Your motivation to get what you want. To the point of being ruthless. I mean, you consider yourself not very good at dealing with emotions, and yet the desire for a child was almost a primal need wasn't it? Let's see, when did you decide you wanted a child ? Really, wasn't it while you were still playing with dolls ? I mean it wasn't a conscious desire to have children at that age, but the thought was perhaps there all along.

But you never imagined to be so hard. That that decision would demand so much sacrifice on your part. You had to give up - let's see - your career, in some part your friends, your time, your Love - really a part of your very identity. And yet, you never regretted the birth of your child. You may have regretted a lot of things, but never that. The realization that another life depends on you came - when ? When you realized that before she was born, all your dreams were about you. You winning. You realizing your hopes and dreams. And after she was born your dreams began to include a little one along with you in all your fantastic victories. And eventually becoming all about the little one.

Do you consider yourself a good mother ? I don't know. I mean considering the handicap - crazy family, bouts of depression, unhappy sibling, upbringing that zig zagged erratically between Confirm to Male Chauvinistic Society and Militant Womens' Lib, struggling to fit in - maybe you are not that great a mother.

But you do your best. You are determined not to repeat the same mistakes that were made while you were being raised. You arm yourself with facts and make rational decisions when it comes to your child. You wonder how things came so easily to your mother, and you try that much harder to outdo her in mothering. You make sure your child keeps in touch with her language, her people. And you try most of all to help your child accept herself for who she is without any negativity.

The first week of motherhood taught you that its not what you thought it was going to be. Eventually you understood that it was all about dirty diapers and waking every two hours and fevers that scared you and booboos that made you cry and spit ups and crying and grown up worries about finances. That the worries never really end. Now you know that the big deal about motherhood is that its not about the kid growing up. Its about how you get there.

And even though your nature is to rebel against everything you can't control and try to master it - you took this - the biggest risk in your life - and learnt to deal with it. Even to enjoy it. Most of all, you learnt to say "No" to your child when you knew she would hate you for it.

So while you may not be the best mom, you are the best mom you can be. And if you can teach your child just that - to be the best she can be - then perhaps you can call yourself a good mother.

Believe me, I tried.

[This post is written by mummyjaan of Apya and Bubbu]

I tried to write a letter to myself patting me on the back, but this is how it turned out. In all honesty, Sandeepa and Poppins, I did try!

___________________________

Dear mummyjaan,

To be honest, I don't have a very high opinion of you as a mother. You're somewhat carefree, your "schedule" is chaotic, your housekeeping skills stink, you forget important deadlines, but worst of all is how you alway focus on the negative.

You constantly compare yourself to your mother (her good points), your aunts, your cousins; how well they seem to manage their house, cook fabulous meals, and are generally on top of things. While you spend your time fretting about how you're falling behind on so many jobs. You think way too much about how well you could have done this or how badly you handled that?

And yet, you try so hard.

That is perhaps the root of the problem. You're trying to be perfect, and every time you stop to look back at yourself, you realize how far from perfect you really are.

At least once a day, you catch yourself thinking: "I just wasn't cut out to be a mother. I shoulda stayed in the hospital and looked after other people's children and never bothered to have my own."

You didn't know a thing about children. Real children, that is. Sure, you knew how to treat the sick ones in the clinic and ICU. You loved all your patients, didn't you? But you knew zilch when it came to normal, healthy children.

Your in-laws and parents, naively, thought that because Paediatrics was your very own specialty, you knew everything there was to know about children and would happily breeze through motherhood! And you, in your stupidity, thought likewise. Haha! what a joke!

The first few weeks with Apya saw you tossing those expectations into the bin. Screaming, fussing, high-need Apya. Feisty and spirited, attention-seeking Apya, a refluxing, grumbling and colicking Apya - a baby who settled to sleep only after completely exhausting her parents - she kept you on your toes from day 1.

When you heard her first lusty cry in the operation theatre, you thought to yourself, "Wow! That is the most enchanting, most musical sound I have ever heard! I am a mother!" That one sound is permanently etched onto your memory. Now, whenever that track replays in your head, you mutter to yourself, "Drama queen right from the start! Wants the whole world to run to her."

You hadn't grown up seeing babies and children around you - you were an only child and had no siblings. You lived abroad in a nuclear family and had never even seen a baby at close quarters, except for now and then during social visits.

No wonder then, it was so difficult for you to look after her all by your lonely self - no mother or MIL to guide you, no neighbour, no friend, no husband (he was often away long hours). Amazingly, you pulled through - even though you had an encounter that dreaded monster ("depression") along the way. If it hadn't been for the kind midwife who visited you regularly in your home - your only contact with humanity - you would have gone insane.

Your first-born had severe tongue-tie. That, in itself was not an issue; however, neither you, nor your midwives ever correlated that with the excruciatingly sore nipples you had for all of 5 weeks. Only when her mouth got bigger and she could curl her tongue around the areola properly, did the soreness and bleeding stop. Until then, you bit your lips and cried with agony every time she fed. You yourself, in your sorry state, didn't realize the sore nipples could be related to her tongue-tie until much later, when you read about it at La Leche League. So much for being a doctor. If there was anything you learned in the first year of motherhood, it was how little you actually knew.

I am proud of you for a few things: how you pulled through that difficult first year, mostly on your own. You more or less learned "mothering" on your first-born. It was tough, for you and your baby, but you survived.

I'm also glad about another thing: you wanted to breastfeed her (and you prefer the term "nurse" to "breastfeed", incidentally) for 2 years and you did. Even though your colleagues said it would be impossible once you began working. That she was weaned onto solids at 11 months made it easier, but I'm glad you continued to nurse her. She would wait for you all day at her minders', and the first thing she did when she saw you was to jump onto your lap and demand, "Peeti peeti hona!". After nursing her on the sofa of your child-minder's living room, the two of you would go home. Once home, she nursed half the night. I think, by cuddling up to you while nursing, she tried to bridge the distance between you and her in the day-time.

I also like the fact that you consider yourself your daughter's friend - someone she can play with and talk to. It will be a challenge to continue this, as you try to strike a balance between "authority figure" and "chum". I know the reason why you are not strict with her - it is because you are still haunted by painful memories of your own highly authoritarian, inflexible, perfectionist mother. The fact that you could not talk to her openly without getting into trouble is still a very sore point for you. It keeps intruding into your own relationship with your daughters. You're terrified of becoming strict like your mom. You know all you ever wanted was for your mother to give you a hug and forgive you for all your perceived "short-comings". But she was very averse to displays of affection and associated that with "mollycoddling". So you do hug and kiss your little girls at every opportunity. And you tell them that you love them very very much.

You will have to work on your temper and patience a bit more - you have improved tremendously over the last 4 years - but I think there is room for improvement still. I know you were the most impatient human being in the whole world. It is impressive how, for the sake of your children, you have actually tried to change your nature - simply because you do not want your daughter to pick up your impulsiveness and fiery temper. If she has inherited your explosive temper, then there is little chance of her turning out a calm and cool person :), but if modifying your own behaviour can help, then I am glad to see that you have tried. Keep it up!

In closing, I can't say you're the greatest mom on earth, but I'll give you credit for this much: you do really, really try. If your girls learn that much from you - trying your best, being honest and true to yourself, having kindness in their heart towards one and all, I would suggest you stop worrying about the burnt dinner and the unsorted laundry.

That is all.


Sincerely,
Yourself.

Theme for February

A Quick Introduction
by Priya of priyainsuburbia

Hi All,
I'm a WAH mom to an adorable 26 month old daughter (I refer to her as E in blogosphere). E and I live in NJ with my husband and my dog in a gigantic money pit called a home. I also make time to write random thoughts and events in my life at priyainsuburbia.wordpress.com

But enough about me.

Since a theme for February has not been chosen yet, I volunteer one: how about Home Made / Hand Made Valentines for our Kids ? If another theme has been chosen already, my apologies and by all means do feel free to correct me.

Hoping to read more from all our members,
Priya.