Maybe this is why I do what I do...

(This post by Sandeepa and the thoughts are entirely my opinion)

Why do I write this?

I was hesitant writing this because it is something very personal and I do not share it with everyone. But I also needed to get my thoughts straight maybe. The hubby says I am a “kinesthenics” person, I need to do to understand and that is why maybe I write to clear up the thoughts that are jumbled in my mind, the conflicts, the two opposite desires that I face every day of my life. And in a place where everyone is a Mother, maybe I am better understood

Why I did not and then want to stay at home?

While growing up, my goal had always been to do good in studies, to prepare for a career, to get a job. That was kind of the end, a nice job. That was all I wanted while I studied. It never ever crossed my mind that there could be anything else that I could want out of life. And that is how it was, a nice job out of Engg. School and I was happy.

When my hubby was asked by his company to move to the USA, I chucked my job, and moved for Grad Study. Now that I look back, I see, I never really said I wouldn’t move, I didn’t try to get into a Univ. which was in another State, in short I did not do anything to break the family routine. Maybe that was how I was, though I wanted a career, I wanted a family as much, albeit unconsciously.

While finishing up Grad School, I had a Plan A, to get a job in a company I have been aiming for all the 2 and ½ years of grad school, to have a baby, and join the company after 3 months. I never thought about daycare, about work life balance, nothing. The fact that the baby would go to daycare didn’t seem outrageous at that time, it was normal. Plan A seemed to go well in the initiation stage, and then there were heartbreaks and sorrow and no Plan B.

I graduated, preponed the job offer with the company and a month before joining found I had conceived again. Because of my past history, I was seeing a High risk Doctor who suggested that I should not do the 40 minute commute each way to my job and its better if I stay home. It was a brand new job and I couldn’t ask for a work from home option, neither did I even think of leaving it, so we used to stay during the week at a hotel near my office and weekends come home. Yes, that is how much I wanted to work then.

However soon after, I had to rush to the ER, middle of the night due to some emergencies. Soon there were 3 more ER visits and more complications and I was right in the hospital in complete bed rest for next 4 months. Fun, huh?

There I stayed in a small hospital room, unable to get up for even the basic necessities and all I could think and pray for is the little life which had not yet seen the light. I couldn’t get up for a shower or for anything else, couldn’t see the world outside except for the piece of sky visible from a window far from the bed, had no internet (how did I ever survive without Google ), nothing except a very caring family, friends, nurses and doctor. However everything else seemed so very unimportant and useless at that point. All the 4 months that I was there I could think of nothing and just hope and pray that everything went well this time

Why do I say all this?

Because it took all that and more to get me into the right perspective, to help me decide what was more important.

Because of what we had gone through, I had a radical change in my thoughts. I came to realize that there are many things that I can take upon myself and decide what to do, I can study and give a good exam, I can work hard and do good in my job, but there are certain things where I am helpless, the fact that my daughter was born healthy was a great gift for me and that is why her position is far above anything else in my life. The other stuff I can work towards and can achieve, so they can wait.

But this little girl needs me most because I am the one who is responsible for bringing her and I will just not be in peace delegating others to do it.

So I was at home till she turned 2. (Yes it helped that D supported my thoughts and we did manage to survive on a single income)

Why did I go back then?

It would be wrong if I said I was totally at peace staying at home. I did enjoy and had fun especially after S turned one and I could take her to library, the Mommy&Me etc., but I would also fret that I may not get a job because I was not utilizing the left side of my brain

Of course there was no time to utilize the left brain because I was utilizing my heart and two hands (and legs) much more. Now don’t think I was doing aerobics all day but staying at home with a baby without any outside help makes you do much more than cardio

Once S turned 2+ I wanted to go back to a job.

But not a full time one. A full time job is hardly ever 8 hours a day, it usually spills on to more and I couldn’t bear the thought of a 2 year old staying outside home for more than 5-6 hours. Again I think that until a child turns 5 or 6, home is the best place to be and if possible I would have loved to keep it that way with some hours of pre-school. Think of this, anyway all their life they have to do the 9-5 and even more routine so if possible why not give them some break now.

Finally I got what I was looking for, ok kind of. I have a nice balance now. S is 3 and enjoys her school. My job has minimum stress, less hours and as a result not much growth. But I still do the logical work I love doing and I have a very nice boss, so I get a lot of relaxed time with S including long weekday evening and also some time for myself.

My hands still itch and I want to shoot off my resume to a more demanding and challenging job. But when I think what I might lose in the process, I resolve to stay put until S turns 5.(Ok, the truth is I do not know even if I can do it when she is 5)

Does the child need me less when she turns 5?

No definitely not. But that seems to be an age when the child is more competent of doing their own stuff. Why do you think almost all over the word, the official age for a child to start school is 5 ? Why do you think some Mom friendly companies (IBM ? is there any other such company ?) gives 5 years off to a mother if she wants. In many European countries (I know of Germany because I worked for one of their companies) they have a policy to give the new Mom a break of 3 years (if she wants). So I think ideally a child needs to be close to home and to loved ones till a certain age.

I was NOT able to do it for all the 5 years and it saddens me.

What have I lost?

Nothing except for some material stuff which can be summed up as follows:

I get paid less. Doesn’t affect me much. I have never been much into clothes and stuff for myself so I don’t have to get the Dior hand bag and work for that. But yes, I do think financial independence is important especially in an economy which is so unsure of itself.
I miss working for a core technology company. I still have my hopes. Once S turns 5 I want to go back to a core technology company to do something more challenging and concentrate more on my work
I am nowhere near in career path where my friends who did not take breaks are. Fortunately some of them did and so it’s not that I am totally alone being the martyr.

What have I gained?

But this is what I want to do and be happy about. Even if S does not remember and she probably will not, (I hardly remember my life before I turned 5), I want to look back on these days and be happy because I think what I did, I did to be in peace with myself more than anything else.
I wanted to be there for her when she needed me and trusted me most. For my sake, I wanted to have fun with her without the nagging thought of pending work or deadlines.

As she grows up there will be more people in her life, she will slowly be able to use her instinct to know whom to trust, she will be able to voice her opinion, she will still need me albeit not every minute and I will be happy that I did do some work towards building a strong base of security and love in her.

Ooops, forgot to add, that going back to work also makes me happy, the constant thought that I am out of touch of what is happening in the tech industry is gone and I can keep myself updated which means a lot.

I still crib, when I have PMS and now if I do, I will come back and read this post

I think everyone of us has a story for doing what they are doing. There is no set rule and at times even the most carefully laid plans go awry. We are what our circumstances make us be and within that small boundary we try to exercise our choice and do the best for our children. Rejoice as at least we have the Freedom of Choice to whatever extent it might be.

Say Cheese!

Hi Moms!

I am not a great photographer, but I love taking photos. I guess what I lack in quality, I make up in quantity :-) I have thousands of digital photos of my daughter - I am huge fan of picasa and use it to organise them, etc I'd love feedback from other moms on how they save and organize their photos. Do you create backups on CDs, hard drives, DVDs (someone told me they last longer than CDs)

Also coming to videos - my camera has a video option which I use (far more often than I have ever used my camcorder). Mainly since I always keep my camera handy and also because picasa makes it easy to view the videos. So far I have been shooting clips of 5-8 min at a time, so this works fine. Yes, the quality of video is not as good as with a comcorder, but this works better for me because.... now here is my problem...

I have not been able to download videos from my panasonic camcorder to my computer. I would love what software/hardware you girls use to do this... a friend of mine at work says she has bought a DVD recorder, they connect the camcorder to the TV and as they view the pic on TV they record to a DVD. What do most of you do? or do you now care of the only copy is on the mini-DV tapes and not on your hard drive?

Happy Independence day to all the Desi(and not desi) mothers of the Desi Momz Club!!!

Conscious Choice :

My Life was bed of roses till the job market crashed..unfortunately right after my marriage !!! The next 3 years was really hard struggle fighting with Visa requirements. working on odd jobs..just tugging along to pull through ,all the while keeping the real struggle as secret from the family back in India in order to keep them happy...(mine is love marriage so need to prove ourselves was even more compelling situation then..)

During this time, is when I lost my dad. was unable to even see him pay my respects due to being held by clutches of visa..No question of having baby ..somehow at that time everybody I met whether younger or older than me were having babies ....It was brutal..as We didn't even know whether we would have any problems when we actually try for one..

Then though things weren't that good..but we had kind of survived the major battle..we decided to start a family..or I should say rather I decided to start a family..as S was still in doubt whether we will be able to manage..I was still working 10-14 hours in odd jobs(baby sitting, tutoring, Dunkin Donuts..)..S working round the clock..just making ends meets..

But somehow after losing Appa..i had to find solace somewhere for myself and my amma..I decided either it's now or never to have baby..

By God's grace, I conceived immediately...I was working on odd jobs till I was 6 months pregnant and then due to complications and other circumstances I quit and just did part time work..Then came Shyam....We moved to Canada when Shyam was 5 months old..He brought us all the luck and prosperity..With PR in Canada, finding a job was relatively easy compared to US being on visa..Still took a couple of months..till S landed in his dream job..

I was SAHM till Shyam was 18 months old..I had worked so hard during those 3 yrs that I had no intention to going back to any kind of work..S kept feeling that I should start looking and shouldn't let my career take a back seat..As, even in those 3 yrs of struggle, he made me finish my BS Math in US (--double bachelors that's another long story --Bcom in India), currently finishing up MS Statistics..
Then I got an great offer --my first real job ..from a really good firm with all perks just out of blue..no trying from my side.. S had just posted my resume on workopolis long time ago..

Well decision had to be made...we decided to take one step at time..went ahead with the interviews..cleared them all..this was in July 2006..accepted the offer to join by Sep first week !!yes they even agreed to that..my mom was supposed to be coming by then.When opportunity comes knocking on your door..you don't turn it down..I have been on the other side of the door too !!!

Heart of hearts I cried ..I loved being at home with him..during those 18 months I didn't crib even once !! It's true and I am not lying about it !! But again I had really yearned to have a baby...S was born exactly year after I lost my Dad....He was a gift from my Dad....So leaving behind S at home was like battling a personal struggle...But I had already been in a place where I couldn't even plan for S ...

And here is when mind intervenes and points out the importance of work.Though I miss him, I love my work..and everyone around me is proud about the significant role I play in my concern.

Being financial independent for both parents is essential in current working situations. where lay offs are a common thing...Most of us are in entirely different country with almost no support of family..what will we do in any unforeseen circumstances down the road..Sorry to be harsh..but I have seen lot in my few yrs of marriage.. I was again reminded of the fact how fragile Life can be after reading about Kay's friend, who has been recently diagnosed with B-cell Lymphoma cancer.

Yes indeed we need to be there to cater to a sick child, leaving them with strangers pains..but as long as we are not compromising on our kids happiness & well being ..we are justified...To give them better education, consciously trying our best to give them quality time, to be able to pick up a career path for oneself (if one had planned for it ), to be bit better prepared for life's challenges..

Again all these thoughts are coming from a mom of just one kid, who is taken care by his Grandma.He is her only solace after my Dad,I don't know how the story goes with managing 2 or more kids ..
We all have our wishful thinking...as long as we are happy & content with our decision..We have achieved our goal..and our kids will appreciate our decision & grow up fine..

an age-old battle...

[by Sheela, also posted at The Joy of My Life]

A couple of points I have wondered about: 1) Women are biologically primed for child-bearing, child-nurturing/rearing etc. 2) society has defined Man's role as bread-winner/provider.

To be honest, before I had my own baby, I used to dismiss that as hogwash - in this day and age, roles can be reversed - so what if I am biologically birthing the baby, after birth I can hand over the baby to the husband and head out and be the bread-winner, right?

Wrong! At least in my case. The hormones and the surge of maternal biochemistry over which I seemed to have little control made it extremely tough for me to even leave my baby alone in another's care for longer than few hours (even though out of necessity I had to get back to work, leaving Ana in daycare).

Rational thinking flew out the door in a flash under the maternal surges I felt then. I was fiercely possessive, incredibly curious about raising my baby and quite determined to get it all right the first time around.

Do I envy the SAHM? Not at all! It is hard-work, and best suited for people who have made that choice and stuck to it.

Am I proud to be a WOHM? Not at all! I have made a choice and am trying my best to stick to it and make things work.

Is one inherently better than the other? Clearly not, or we wouldn't be having this age-old battle in our minds.

As I had written earlier, many women don't come this decision - of being a WOHM - lightly or easily.

The dance with the numbers is a tough one. We calculated and re-calculated the budget to see if there was any way we could make it meager-er:
--We don't have cable or DirecTV or any such additional expense;
--we have basic land-line phone with no extras like call-waiting, call-forwarding or even voicemail, as we have a good cell phone deal and have relied on it for all our telephonic needs;
--we buy in bulk from Costco and buy our groceries from local farms getting mostly seasonal produce and maybe some other fancy stuff from one of the eclectic places nearby, plus growing our own as much as possible (season-permitting);
--we are very careful about electricity - unplug wall outlets when not in use (except TV, of course), turn off lights as soon as we exit the area, energy-star rated dishwasher/fridge/oven/water-heater etc.,;
--we decided to use only one car for all our needs (keeping the second one only for emergencies) and plan the shopping trips and commute to work/daycare and such to minimize waste...

Now, if only just recovering the daycare expense by being an SAHM would have made our budget balance better...

Circumstances arranged themselves to make it a necessity for me to supplement D's income. I try to look upon it as a partnership where the sole burden of providing for the family should not rest on his shoulders. By the same token, D looks at raising Ana as a partnership and has helped a lot in taking care of her say two or three evenings a week to give me a couple of hours off to take care of myself and my needs.

A lot of Life is about compromise, planning and doing what seems best under the given constraints.

Either I can complain about it, or, find a good work around to establish some semblance of balance in my world.

My solution was to look at a job as just a job, not a career path, not something that would define me in the long run, but something that helps me raise my family in a comfortable way.

Also, my mom is my role-model in that sense - she worked as a teacher all her life, and raised us, and is a great cook and does wonderful crafts and sewing and such. So, naturally, I consider myself a failure if I can't do at least as much as she showed me it was possible to do.

Besides, we kids turned out fine despite our mom being a WOHM, so, I am possibly not depriving Ana of a well-rounded childhood by not being an SAHM...

But, the day and age in which my mom worked is different from my work situation. At least as far as IT goes, when projects need to be delivered on a deadline, one cannot excuse oneself and work only from 9-5 and head home and forget all about it until the next day.

That aside, my mom had neighbors and family around to walk us kids to school, bring us back, feed us, play with us and know we are safe even if my mom (and dad) had to work late some days. Such resources are hard to come by here, unless one is very lucky indeed!

Also, who doesn't want to be one's own boss, and command one's time as one wishes, instead of pretty much being a bonded laborer on someone else's clock and payroll? Alas! Not many of us really have that luxury, except sincerely wish for circumstances that let us make such a decision and abide by it - for better or worse...

And, when the need to be professional at all times combined with callous and inconsiderate bosses drain the cheer out of us WOHMs, no wonder we doubt whether it is all worth it? But, I prefer not to complain, I prefer to abide by the decision to help bear the burden of raising the family - financially and otherwise.

But, would I be happier as an SAHM? I'll never know... but, all I know is happiness is a state of mind that comes from accepting the situation one is given and making the best of it, drawing a sense of contentment about the way things are - instead of constantly trying to make the current situation better before one can be happy.

Somehow, despite all the Feminism and Equal Rights, it irks me when D suggests that it is not fair for him to bear the sole burden of providing for the family. Especially when "providing for the family" involves more than the basic Food, Clothing and Shelter.

Why have I subconsciously come to accept that the Man should not have a choice? Why am I worked up about making my choice, knowing that I have the luxury to make a choice, whereas upset when the roles are reversed?

Rhetorical as these questions may be, sometimes, there are no easy answers to our brooding. Hopefully, I am making the choice that is right for my situation, just as other women have done over generations and will continue to do way past my lifetime.

As I had written in another post, the need for perfection, the need for things to be a certain way before one can feel inner peace, is clearly convoluted, and conflicts with achieving the said inner peace.

If we are striving for something to be better than it currently is, well, therein lies the paradox...

Baby Puzzles

Puzzles happen to be a lot of fun and essential activity for child development. So they say, and I believe they might have a point. Each child develops at his/her own rate. So, it is not easy to know when exactly to introduce these activities... we let Ana guide us mostly.

Once baby knows to sit up steadily and has enough dexterity to pick up food and other toys items intentionally and place them at a different spot with certain premeditation, as well as have enough focus to recognize patterns, it seems like a good time to introduce the puzzles. When Ana could recognize animals, shapes, fruits and such, around 15 months, we introduced what I call Stage One puzzles pictured above.

I call these Stage One for these reasons:
1. easy for baby hands to pick up using the little plastic knobs (caution: never let the child do it unsupervised at this age - they tend to put things in the mouth and these little plastic knobs are a hazard); and if it doesn't have the knobs, the pieces are large enough to be held by baby hands comfortably.
2. easily recognizable shapes for the puzzle pieces (unlike jigsaw) like animals or fruits and only one would seem right - not a lot of ambiguity.

In the picture above the farm animals puzzle (Melissa & Doug™) was a favorite as Ana used to love stating the animal name and putting the right piece in the right spot. All wooden shapes are the same in this farm animal puzzle, but for the color and pattern which helps identify whether it is a sheep or a horse or a cow or a duck...

Next is what I call Stage Two puzzles:



These don't have knobs for easy pick up, but, have large enough pieces, not quite jigsaw, that will only fit one way, no ambiguity. But, it is a bit more challenging as the shape of the pieces are not uniform or easily recognizable. For instance the Peanuts one in the picture or the Pluto one, all the kid has to know is where the head and feet and such goes and then try to assemble them such that the pieces fit. But the challenge is in the fact that it is not easy to put certain pieces in place before the others are in place. Between 18 and 24 months, Ana seemed to like these.

Next are what I call Stage Three:



These are basic 9-piece jigsaw puzzles with very open and simple themes. Ana loves the animals one - with dog and cat and goldfish and bunny and such. In this category, slightly more challenging 9-piece is the abstract one of the multicolored elephant puzzle in the picture - which is actually 2-in-1 where front is a single elephant and rear is many elephants - aimed at introducing one and many - but the picture is abstract enough to be challenging, yet, easy enough as there are only 9 pieces and only one way they will fit. Around 22 months, closer to turning two, Ana started to focus her attention on these jigsaw puzzles which have a general overall pattern, but the individual pieces don't always seem to make sense.

In my mind, Stage Two and Stage three overlap. They seem equally challenging and interesting.

Next are the Stage Four:



These are more challenging 24-piece jigsaw or block puzzles. Ana is about 27 months now (2 yrs 3 months) and she is into these. The block puzzle is actually 6-in-1 "farm cube puzzle" where 16 blocks need to be assembled in proper order to complete each of the six puzzles.



My favorite puzzles for Ana so far have been Melissa & Doug™ wood puzzles. However, some of the ones in the pictures above are possibly 30 years old as they were gifts from my mum-in-law - apparently D, my husband (her son) used to play with them when he was little! I love the fact that she held on to those and passed it on to Ana.

What usually worked with Ana is, I used to set one puzzle out at a time - all jumbled - in her play area, very handy and at a convenient spot for her to find and assemble them. In the middle of playing with her toys, she would notice this and start putting it together and scream when she gets frustrated and needs some gentle direction or nudge.

By no means am I an expert in child development activities, but, I wanted to share some of the puzzles Ana has enjoyed doing since she was about 15 months or so. Perhaps children are ready even earlier and we can let our children guide us...

This post is completely inspired by Sandeepa's thoughtful comment left on one of my posts. Thank you Sandeepa for giving me an opportunity to share one of my favorite activities with my baby.

WM Vs SAHM - Trying to find the ever-elusive balance

The inevitable question that pops up in every Mother’s life, the ones that have a choice, that is. I always wanted to be a working woman when I was growing up. My Mom is a working woman and I think of her as my role model. I should admit that my Mom didn’t have a choice back then. She had to work to make both ends meet, just to put a roof over our head, feed and clothe us and give us a good education. My Father passed away when I was very young and it was my Mom who brought us up single-handedly and made us the persons that we are today. But I have a choice, unlike my Mom and I chose to be a WM.

I was married very soon after I finished my B.E. My engagement was actually immediately after my final semester exams in B.E and my marriage soon after that. So I never had any real work experience when I first came to USA with hubby. I decided to pursue my Master’s degree and joined graduate school soon after I came to the US. It was not easy for me as a full time student juggling my Studies and a part time job at School. I graduated early ’02 with a Master’s degree in EE. Like Dee had written, it was one of the worst times in the market for job hunting particularly for a newbie like me. So we decided to postpone my job hunt a little bit and made the big decision of starting a family. We did not know the surprise that was in store for us. I was on intensive job hunting spree when I got my pregnancy confirmed in July’02. In the 9th week of my pregnancy it was confirmed that I was carrying twins and the doctor asked me to be extra careful. I was in risk, for a lot of pregnancy diseases like Gestational diabetes, Pre-term labor and Preeclampsia and I was advised by the doctor to take things easy and not to exert myself at all. All my job searching attempts were flushed down the drain after that. I was determined to give my babies a head start and prayed fervently so that my babies would be born normally at full term. My Sister was a Preemie and my Mom had a very difficult time with her, during her first year. I knew all this and I did everything in my power, to stay healthy and give my babies a better chance. During that time job hunting was probably the last thing on my mind. The first few months after M & N were born is almost a blur, with all the three of us (Me, My Mom and hubby) being busy all the time. We were groggy and red-eyed all day long due to the lack of sleep. It was me and My Mom who handled all the chores at home and hubby also pitched in as much as he could but there was always more work with two babies around! It would be 1’o’ clock in the night and I would change, feed, burp and rock a baby to sleep only to find the other baby awake and needing a diaper change, the minute the first baby sleeps. But things improved, and their eating and sleeping schedule became more and more synchronized. I had my Mom or my In Laws staying with me here in USA until M & N became 2 and half years of age.

I went on a job hunting spree again when M & N were 2 years old. I found it very hard to break through the job-market at that time and my morale was at an all time low. I started losing confidence in myself and was so disheartened and I was starting to wonder if I could be half that wonderful woman my Mom is! Like Pop Mom so lucidly writes, I tried to emulate my Mom who is a Super-Mom. On one hand I felt happy that I was with M & N, when they needed me most during their early years and I watched with pride every one of their milestones. But on the other hand, I would think that I should never have went to Graduate school if I knew that I was going to stay at home. Also I knew we would be much better off, financially if I worked too. When M & N were 2 years and 7 months old I got my first real job! It was the most exciting day of my life. M & N had already started preschool at a home based provider in our neighborhood and they were going there for about 2 hours each day. I started working as a contractor by the end of September ’05 and M & N started full time day care/preschool after that. However, the transition was not easy. Everyone felt miserable and I was almost on the verge of quitting. My Mom or my In-laws couldn’t come to the US at that time because of various reasons and I was managing everything on my own. Each day was excruciatingly long and I was weighed down with the amount of work that I had to get done both at office and at home. It was too much for me to handle and I was almost on the verge of tears, most of the days because of the work load at the office and home chores. As a contractor I was working 40 hours a week and did not have any flexible timings or benefits and it was complete pandemonium at home. I was even starting to wonder if it was all worthwhile and hubby had started to insist that I should quit. After about 3 months my client company gave me a job offer and I opted for flex timings whereby I could work 30 hours a week. Of course during crunch time at office, I always pitch in more, but I get paid for the extra hours of work I do. This arrangement is very beneficial to me and to this day I feel happy about my decision to work part time. I get Fridays off every week, and I have a very understanding Manager and team and I always put family before work. So overall, it is a Win-Win situation for us. But like Tharini so beautifully points out, it always feels like we are racing against the clock all the time and are totally tired at the end of the week. Sometimes I feel that weekends are even busier than week days! But on a brighter note, I feel that we are much stronger financially. I feel much more confident and I feel overall I am a better Mom to M & N ever since I started working. I have been both a SAHM and WM and I can empathize with both the choices. After all, Motherhood is the most beautiful thing that can happen to a woman and she is always a Mom first, before she puts on any of her other hats.