(This post by Sandeepa of Bong Mom's CookBook)
Hey Moms
I have a question regarding toddlers and their friendship pattern
My 3 year old started a new pre-school/day care from April, it’s been a month now. She is a friendly child but not an extrovert.
Last year she used to go to a different school. She was in the class for 2-3 year olds and was there for almost 8 months. She had made a couple of very good friends there and even at home she would keep talking about them. She would call up her friend on her toy phone when at home. Also when we dropped her or picked her up from school some of the kids would yell “S your Mom is here” or “Bye” or whatever.
In the new school S seems to be happy. When we drop off she is smiling and she looks happy when I pick her up. However she keeps saying she does not have a friend here. When I ask her teachers they say “S plays with everyone”. When I go to pick her up usually it’s their outside play time and I see most of the children going up and down the slides or running but not really playing together. None of the children wave or say “Bye” either (though I make it a point that we both wave to them and say Bye). I thought maybe this was because “S” was new. Yesterday when I went to pick her up, there was one more parent picking up his son who is in the same class. None of the children said anything to him either.
I also enrolled her into a school Karate class thinking that would help her bond. S enjoys the Karate class but it hasn’t done anything in the friendship front.
I felt sad. Is this a regular behavior with 3 year olds? Should I be fine that S looks happy though she doesn’t really have friends yet? Usually S loves playing with other kids whom she knows well and she and my neighbors’ daughter kind of play together so I think she would love to have friends at school too
Somehow the kids saying “Bye” or acknowledging that a friend is now leaving for home would have helped me. I keep harping on this with D and so thought of asking you girls
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17 comments:
I think it is normal (as can be) not to have any special friends at this age. But you can help S develop special friendships by arranging for one-on-one playdates with her class mates. I used to do that a lot for my daughter when she was in pre-school. I would pick up one of her friends along with her from pre-school, bring them home, give them snacks and let them play together for a couple of hours (you can increase the time gradually). Then the mom would come and pick the kid up. That also gave the other mom a couple fo hours more to run her errands or relax. These one on one play dates helped my daughter form many friends during her pre-school years and were specially good for her because she was an only child (ALL of her classmates had siblings)
But GTN, how can I do that ? They are tiny 3 year olds. I don't even know them or their Moms !!!
Why would the Mom let them come to my house unless we are good neighbours or know each other very well ?
Since I pick S up earlier than other kids I don't meet the other Moms
I did spend an hour on two random days at her school and at that time the children seemed friendly and came and talked to me.
They however were more interested in talking to me and showing their skills (tumbling etc.) to me rather than talking to S :)
It's just been a month,give it some time. About the saying bye thing, I think it kind of depends on the teacher/supervisor of the class. In my daughter's class, it is big deal with lots of byes and flying kisses all around by the kids , parents and the teachers all chipping in. In my son's class, it's muted. Some of the kids say bye on some days, some days not. Some teachers make it a point that they all say bye, some don't. Same with the playing together thing, sometimes they are all huddled together, sometimes they are all doing their own thing. It just might be that your observations were on days that the kids were not in sync.
Hi Sandeepa
Don't worry about this issue because S is only 3 years old.As GTN said it is common in their age.It is only one month S has joined in the new school.She will be fine as days goes by.It will take sometime na..
U have said that there is neighbor of urs who had a little girl.So let S play with her as GTN suggested.may be it will help.
I think it is ok to not develop special friends in just a month at this age. Give her time.
Try this: the next time you pick up your l'il one, ask S to say 'bye/ see you tomorrow/ etc.' to the kids she was playing with.
I had this very problem with my (extremely introvertish) son and it worked....not right away though.
-TC
Sandeepa, {{{{Hugs}}}}. I know your post was simple but it was touching for me. I am a mom of 3 yr old too. The case with my daughter is she becomes attached to people so fast that when they leave or she leaves, she feels sad. But then it is only for sometime.
I can totally understand you but I would say it is OK. Your daughter is not sad. At this age they don't get hurt easily. They can't even distinguish friendliness from friendship. We as parents feel sad seeing this but I am sure dear S is doing just fine.
I would suggest you to talk to her teacher though and ask her if it is possible to have some group plays and could she encourage other kids to say bye. You know just casually. I am sure as a teacher she needs to see that there are lots of kisses and byes and please and thank yous being said in the class:):):).
My daughter was very shy when she was 3 yrs old. She was a chatter box at home and very quiet at school. Though she played with others kids, there was no saying goodbye routine for them. Only the teacher would say bye to her. Now she is 4 1/2 yrs and its totally different now. She says bye to the friends she was playing with and also the other kids say back to her. Maybe because they know each other so well.
I think you would notice some difference too as time goes by.
Moms tend to worry too much :)
Hi S -
Varies from school to school, I guess as Vee mentioned. In fact, it was funny in my daughter's case because she was the one who would say hi and bye to everyone in her class when she was in the 3 yr old class. During the first few months, all the parents who were waiting to pick up their kids were like - Oh how sweet and polite your daughter is! In fact, later on I noticed, none of the kids really cared for her his and byes, and this made me feel a little sad...And then this past year when she started, pre-k has stopped saying those sweet his and byes... I guess the environment rubbed it on her or may be it's an age related development - most kids in her class are older than she is - when she was 3, they were all fours..May be when they touch four, they change??? Don't know really...I like Cee Kay like the idea of one-on-one playdates...I do that a lot with my neighbor's kid and some of her school friends...I am sure you will get to know her class moms soon. Considering it's hardly a month - you shouldn't worry over this!
Sandeepa, I think they get the idea of playing together, sharing etc only when they are about 5 years old. Till then the byes come from taking cue from a teacher or adult (like Vee said). So don't worry about it too much also the fact that in the other school she had been around for 8 months so she kind of knows everybody. Give it another couple of months you will see the difference.
I did the same worrying when DD was about 3, H used to say "Do you remember any of your friends from when you were that age?" With DD2 I don't worry, it is a natural progression.
She is new to the schoool and she also is older now Sandeepa.Let her have some time to adjust and get to know the kids one on one.Don't transfer your anxiety to her!!;D
She will be fine.Girls usually form a group and keep the others out,it's just what they do.Boys are more friendly than girls to new faces.
You will know some parents slowly and can arrange play dates,it's too early now anyway.Relax mom!!:D
Thanks all of you for sharing your thoughts. It helps to know that "Bye " and "Hi" might be a school thing after all
Reading all these comments I tried applying and something really funny happened.:)
When I went to pick up S today as usual we said a big "Bye" and no one except the teachers responded. So I told S go and say "Bye" to K. K is a friendly little girl and comes up and talks to me when she is in the mood
So S shouted "K I am going..Bye". Little K didn't even bother to look back. S wanted to get it out of her so ran to her in the playground. Seeing her run , K ran too. Finally S caught up and held her and said "K Bye". K wiggled and again ran without a word!!! S was really adamant and so ran after her caught her again, by now the teacher was there and she asked K to say "Bye". And finally we got a "Bye"
The whole thing was tremendously funny :) :)
Asha
Thanks for the "Do not transfer your anxiety" bit, even I was thinking hope I am not pressurizing her :D
Sandeepa,
It's been a month and things like this take time. There are times in a growing child's mind when they have plenty to do themselves. S learning new things, she is in a new environment and has so much to do with just these things. If she feels your anxiety it might burden her more. She is the "new kid on the block" and as time passes by she will be integrated a lot more with the other kids too. She too needs to get used to all the new faces just as the others need to get used to her.
Don't get her to force herself on others as it could backfire. It has to come both ways. If this continues after 2-3 months then have a chat with the teacher. It's what I always do. If Soeren has got a different pattern to the "normal" I ask his teacher. They keep an eye on him and then give me feedback. This way we both can work on him and gently guide him back to the normal pattern.
E.G. a few weeks ago he was getting to be a huge handful because he just would not listen to a word we would say, stamp his feet, cry at the smallest things, not eat etc. So, I asked his teacher - she said Soeren at the moment is going through a new phase. He wants to be with the older kids when they are learning and practically begs his teacher to allow him to be with them. I noticed his "Hunger" for learning but that it would have such an effect on him I ha not expected. So, both his teacher and I worked on him. His teacher allowed him to be in the older learning group and would give him excerises suited for his age at home we have taken a short break from learning and are concentrating on outdoor activities to sort of free the mind. He is now more balanced again and back to "normal."
It's important to have a close and a good rapport with the teacher too.
I wish you all the best and just want to say take it easy.
Thanks Meeta..yeah i guess I will just give some time :) She seems to be happy there so things should be fine
Sandeepa, When my son went to his first school, he used to say that too. I asked his teacher if he play with everybody or prefer individual activites but I thin all the teachers have the same answer that they are fine with everybody. But after few days I took the matter in my own hands;-) I saw a tree where I used to park my car and I used to tell A to get some leaves & give it to his friends and this way I could tell who he was playing with. If he picked up 2 leaves, he had only2 friends and if more then more friends.. 2-3 days he picked up only few then I told him to get more and give it to everybody.. Everybody used to feel so happy to get leaves from him and I think look forward to get the next day because the minutes we used to enter his classromm everybody used to come running:-)
Then one day we were there and the before we entered his classroom there were few kids from other class and they wanted the leaves too. After this he got everybody coming to him for that and he was happy:-)
oh And they used to have weekly party and everytime I took some snack I used to tell his teacher to let him distribute. I don't know if she did but he was happy that he was getting things for his friends:-)
btw other kids used to say the same at his school too "A, your mommy is here:-)" and one girl used to hug him & kiss him bye;-)
~ChildCareGroupLeader 2-5 yr olds~
Hello sandeepa,
When i saw your post i knew i had to respond. i have not had a chance to read every post, but i have tried to skim through most replies.
Everyone is absolutely right! lol and im so glad to see so many supportive parents.
Someone mentioned in a post that it can be a "teacher by teacher" thing. Day cares environments are created by the teachers expectations. For example, in my 2-3 yr old room now, they all use there manners (please thank you, ta ect) because i expect that and do encourage it in every way. When i was in the 3-5 year old room, i tried to have the children say goodbye to each other. However some teachers may not believe this to be particularly important.
You said she seemed happy? She doesn't say she doesn't want to go to school? (regularly that is, most young children want to stay home with mum anyway)
In that case my suggestions would be:
Give her some more time. a 2-3 year olds room usually has 12 children, whereas a 3-5 year old room can have 24!
It is quite possible she is still trying to get to know the other 23 children and work out who she conects best with.
As a final note, i would like to add that even though daycares are "run" the same, each centre wil have a unique feel because of different teaching styles and if you're concerned she may not be as happy as she could be, a different centre might be better.
I myself have suggested to parents along the way (much to my bosses dissapointment) that they consider family day care, or a smaller centre that does not have such large (and sometimes overwhelming) numbers.
c-ya, hope everything goes well.
~Nikki~
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