Some articles on Mothers Choices

Check this On Balance -- Are you the Other Mother by Gwendolen Gros

I liked this part best

"My 5-year-old daughter recently interrupted her litany of what-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up ("a writer, a doctor, a vet, a singer, an artist,") with this question: "But Mommy, will I have time to have all my jobs before my babies come?"
I can't wait to see how she answers it."


Except from one more article On Balance by By Leslie Morgan Steiner


"Yesterday's Washington Post Outlook section carried a smart article called The Mommy War Machine that argued that much of the so-called "mommy wars" between working and at-home moms doesn't exist except in the media and among writers trying to promote their books. I don't disagree that media stories often oversimplify and sensationalize the problems facing American mothers -- but I also cannot deny that I see lots of evidence that women experience a "mommy war" driven by guilt, tension and understandable jealousy on both sides. There's another, even more debilitating war inside moms' heads as we struggle to come to peace with our choices, or lack of choices, about how we combine work and raising kids. This inner mommy war too often spills out in public disparagement of moms who've made different choices."


This article by Leslie Morgan Steiner discusses why more new mothers opt to stay at home (I guess its from the perspective of Americans), but the reasons were pretty strong and so I am reproducing a part


Here's what Shellenbarger found:
* The trend of moms staying home is more widespread than articles like the New York Times Opt-Out Revolution suggest, with women at all income levels taking job breaks.


* More mothers of infants (less than 12 months old) are staying home (48 percent in 2004 vs. 41 percent in 1997) than mothers of older children.

* Well-educated mothers with bachelor's degrees and above, and women with husbands in the top 20 percent of earners, have shown the biggest dip in employment.

Shellenbarger listed the following six reasons women drop out of the work force after childbirth:

1) Desire to nurture babies in their first years

2) Poor quality of available child care

3) High cost of acceptable child care

4) Lack of extended maternity leave

5) Lack of flexible return-to-work options

6) Decision to switch to a more family-friendly career

Art? Or Science?

[Note: Also posted at My2Centstoo]

Warning: This is probably going to be one of those posts with an assortment of thoughts just poured out. These thoughts have been bubbling in my mind for quite some time now and it is time they see the light of day or they would surely die in there and no one would ever know that I do get some coherent thoughts during my waking hours.

I have been thinking for quite some time now (Yes. I think.) - is parenting an Art? Or Science? How about a mix of both? Or something totally else? Sometimes I think parenting is a sport - a team sport where the parents have to present a united front to their kids and to the rest of the world.

Whatever it be, there is one thing that it is NOT. Easy. The decision to become a parent may come easy to some. I wasn't one of those lucky ones. In fact, when I and J decided to have children I told him I needed a few more months to get mentally prepared. I didn't want any children for atleast three years after getting married and when the time to make this decision came upon us, we had been married only for two. I wasn't ready. Due to the circumstances (being in a joint family with VERY controlling parents) we hadn't even had any chance to have fun yet! Plus, I had seen how interfering and controlling my in-laws were with the upbringing of my nephew, then 3 years old. I was determined NOT to have children and then be relegated to the background while someone else did the parenting. If I ever had children, I was going to be the parent goddammit!!

I have seen parents who have it all together. All figured out. They don't panic when the baby gets colicky or when sonny boy comes home from school with a note from teacher saying "he jumped off the monkey bars today and could you please talk to him about not banging his head on the wall when his wish is not fulfilled? At least not on the concrete wall?" And they know how to handle these situations. I have also seen self-professed "spreadsheet parents". These have spreadsheets for every possible if-then situation and have read every parenting book there is. Very unimaginative, in my opinion. Then there are some who just swing it. They have no preconceived ideas about how to tackle parenting issues. They just go with the flow. (Don't confuse it with just going along with whatever the kids say - that's not parenting. That is "raising Brats" in my opinion) What I mean by "going with the flow" is that these parents just tackle issues as they come up. They don't have it all charted out as to when will junior go to preschool, when will he start French lessons and when will the Piano lessons follow, which college will he go to and what career will he choose. OK - I know this is extreme but you know what I mean. I belong to this group. Trial-and-Error group. There is a lot of us out there!

No, there was no point to the previous discussion. I told you this is going to be an "assorted" post.

One thing I have noticed is the thankyou notes we get from kids whose birthday party S attends. Specifically Indian kids. The Thank You notes are written by the parents! Or typed and printed by them. They don't even make the kids sign the notes. Even if the kid just turned, say, 8. In my opinion, you won't get a better chance to teach your kids to be thankful for what they got. And to teach them how to say thanks. Or that they should. No wonder the kids today are growing up to feel that they are entitled to everything they get. Effort does not mean anything to them. Nor does gratitude. I think these parents are doing their kids a disservice by not teaching them the responsibility of writing the thankyou notes themselves. And I think this training should start early. When S turned 4, she had just learned how to write her name at the pre-school. After her birthday party was over, I wrote all the Thankyou notes but made her sign each one of them. And she did it excitedly because Wow! Thank you notes! Fun!! That is what I made it out to be. Next year, when she was in Kindergarten, I wrote out the Thankyou message on a sheet of paper, leaving the space for name of the gift blank and she copied the matter into each thankyou note adding the name of the friend and the gift they gave her from a list I had prepared. Of course we didn't do this in one day. It took her the better part of a week to finish all the notes. But I made her do it. Not because I am that cruel mommy who can't be bothered to do these small things on my child's behalf. But because I want her to learn these basic manners and skills. Because I want her to grow up to be an independent adult who takes responsibility for her own actions. And these small lessons go a long way, in my opinion. The next year, when she turned 6, she wrote out each message herself, only asking for my help with spelling. Last year she reminded me that she needed Thank You cards so she could send them to everyone who came to her birthday party. And she wrote out all the messages herself - modifying each one to fit the gift and the giver. She even reminded me that she needs to send thank you notes to people who got her "Big Sister" gifts in my Baby Shower.

A friend of mine argued that at least they are sending the thankyou notes. I agree. But the purpose of a thankyou note is for both, sender and receiver. It makes the receiver happy that their gift was appreciated and it makes the sender (read kids) aware that they are not the center of the universe and there are others who need appreciation as well.

Another thing that amazes me is how many Indian parents sit down and feed even their 5-6 year olds! I see the point if someone says they feed their 2 year old because at that age he/she doesn't know to finish their food. Kids that age (and younger) will just stop eating as soon as they are a little full. I fed my daughter till she was almost three. I would probably have continued (because it was more convenient than sitting at the dining table with her for one hour reminding her to finish her food) if she hadn't gone to pre-school. I took that as an opportunity to teach her to eat on her own. I figured she will learn faster if she saw other kids her age doing it too. I signed her up for the lunch program that the pre-school offered. They charged extra for it because it involved 2 extra hours of lunch and then some arts and craft. Unfortunately she didn't learn it right away. She routinely came back with her lunch box half full (I asked her teachers not to throw away the leftovers so I would know how much she ate). So we set up a rule. If she didn't eat her lunch on any day, she won't be able to watch TV that day (she was allowed to watch two half hour programs every other day). TV days fell on the same days as "school" days. That went well.

A cousin's wife (they live here in the US) mentioned that she had requested her son'd pre-school teacher to feed him because he didn't know how to eat on his own. That, instead of taking this opportunity to teach her son learn something new she just took the easy way out to maintain his current habit is what amazed me. And that the pre-school teacher agreed shocked me. My daughter's preschool teacher would have told me not to worry and that S will eventually learn to eat and wouldn't die of hunger. :D

Again, my issue is NOT with parents feeding their children. My main issue is with the parents' unwillingness to teach their children new skills. I have a friend who feeds her 6 year old son while he runs around playing with toys. She does make him sit down with other kids first but soon joins them and feeds him herself. And she is not the only one I have seen doing it.

This tendency to do everything for their kids, or to "help" them with everything, extends into other areas as well. Homework for example. When S started getting homework in first grade (Norwalk schools have no-homework policy for kindergarteners), she would sit at the dining table (or sometimes in the kitchen) and do her homework. She came to me, or called me, only if she needed help. I or J never hovered over her, or sat with her to help her do her homework. Homework is for reiterating skills learned at school. It is given with the child's grade level in mind. If they did it at school, they can easily do it at home unless they weren't paying attention in class. In that case, they should be made to work harder and should not receive any help in my opinion (Yes, I qualify for the "parent from hell" award). They have to learn to face the music. S had to. When she was in first grade, she once forgot to do her homework even after I reminded her 2-3 times. I didn't remind her after that. Next day her teacher called me at work to tell me that S hadn't done her homework. She thought there must have been a valid reason and in my opinion was looking for reasons to excuse S as she was one of her favorite students. I told the teacher to go right ahead and give her the punishment due someone who doesn't turn in their homework (which was missing the recess and completing their work then). Result? S never forgot to do her homework after that. Had I made an excuse for her or sat down with her the previous day to complete the homework, would she have learnt that responsibility? Nope.

For years my sister-in-law sat down everynight with her son to make him do his homework. During exam time she would study with him as if it were she who was appearing for the exams. If he had to miss classes due to some reason, she would go to his classmates' houses to get notes on what he missed. As a result he scored very good marks but never developed any self-discipline. For years I told her that it was his responsibility to study and finish his homework and hers only to provide him with a suitable environment, time and place and some help if he got stuck. Specially because it was getting more difficult each year to get him to study. The high marks that he got due to his mother's hard work gave him a false confidence that he was intelligent enough to tackle anything at the last minute and get the same high marks. Her argument against what I suggested was "But then he won't do as well. What if he fails?" And my counter-argument would be "You can't go to college with him. The sooner he learns to study on his own, the better. Later it will only become more difficult for him". This year, she finally gave up and left him on his own. And it is difficult for him to study on his own suddenly.

My point is, while doing things for our kids, or laughing at their bad behaviour when they are babies, we forget that they will eventually grow up. And then they will need these skills which they won't have because we never gave them a chance to learn. They will need to learn that the universe doesn't revolve around them and it will come as a big shock. They will need those good manners to get along and be liked, or even respected, by their peers. It is our duty, as parents, to teach them to gradually stand up on their own. To learn self-discipline. To learn good manners. For if we don't teach them, who will?

Pay special attention to the word "gradually" in the previous paragraph. I am not advocating just leaving our kids on their own to eat or do their homework (or learn any other skill for that matter). I am talking about working on developing those skills by gentle persuation or by helping them initially and then slowly letting go. It is pretty much like teaching them how to ride a bicycle.

This, and other parenting startegies/beliefs of ours came under fire a number of times from parents and friends alike. For one, our parents and friends commented many times that we were very strict with S. Because we didn't give her any chocolate/candy until she was 2.5 years old. And we didn't let her watch much TV. We even made her go to bed early (by 7:00 pm). She had to eat whatever was cooked for dinner and I never cooked anything for her separately. I did cook food to cater to her requests but not right then. If the food was too spicey, she knew to eat it with a glass of milk or a bowl of yogurt. But I never, NEVER, cooked separately for her. For all this, and a few other things, we were told "we were ruining her childhood" (for not introducing the important food group - candy), "she will become extra stubborn as she grows up" and that we were being too harsh on her. Thankfully J and I were, and still are, a team where parenting is concerned and we stood by our parenting style. Sure, we had our differences, but we sorted them out in private and not in front of S. Because that would just give her the chance to "divide and rule" if you know what I mean. All kids are very good at that :D

Our strategy with "rules" has been to relax them a little as S grows older and shows us that she is capable and worthy of being given a little freedom. She understands that. When the time comes, we will let her do a few more things that she isn't allowed to do right now. Since she was about 5 years old, she understands that different families have different rules and even if some friend of hers is allowed to do something that she isn't, she cannot argue with us to get permission to do it. Our home. Our rules. That is a pretty tough task to teach a 5 year old, in my opinion.

So, coming back to the question "Art or science?". I think parenting is just plain common sense. Whaddya say??

Appreciation...

[This post is written by Tharini of Winkie's Way.]

When I read about the theme for August, I knew I wanted to pitch in with some of my own thoughts. And Sandeepa made my life sooo much easier, by asking me to share something which I had posted on my blog some weeks back. And here it is...

************

I have never, for a moment, had any doubts about my personal choice to stay home to bring up my kids. It is a simple, deep and abiding conviction....not just in the benefits of staying home, but also knowing that I could never be as happy outside. I prefer being my own boss, having the full freedom to decision-make and mostly not having to race with the clock to get here and there. I've done a bit of all that and have felt imprisoned by the added responsibility.

And for that very same reason, I admire my husband exceedingly. To be able to wake up at the same time every morning, complete the 45 minute round of personal grooming, hurriedly downing a carefully prepared breakfast and rushing to catch the bus, which he would have otherwise missed by a few seconds; getting to work on time, programming dedicatedly in front of the screen, neck getting sore, eyes glazing over...eating a lukewarm boxed meal of a lunch, and getting back home tired; to be faced by an oft grumpy wife and having to meet the attention needs of his energetic 4 year old...spending a precious 1 hour with him and a few quick minutes cooing to the little one, before the more mundane task of their meal and bedtime takes over; wanting to completely unwind and rest during the weekends, but having to make up for lost time with his older son, for whom even those 48 hours is too little for how much he wants to be with his father. Its not easy!!! And I am not envious of him. Only he can do all of that as gracefully as he does.

I admire how he takes care of the bills and bank statement, and while I am the certified accountant of the house owing to 3 letters, he is the unwavering, responsible manager. And for the load that this takes off my mind, I am eternally grateful, for I would have been miserable if I had to handle life's everyday finances. I'd much rather have the roller coaster ride of raising children anyday!

For that reason, I am sure he appreciates me too. He may not always think so consciously about all that I do, being so wrapped up in all that he does, but I can speak for the goodness of his heart and say that if ever the thought crossed his mind, he'd know that he was grateful.

...Grateful for how I, the sleep lover, disconsolately wake up each morning, to cook a fresh breakfast, pack his lunches making sure that it has the daily quota of nuts and snacks, dropping him off to the train station every morning, with a sleeping child in tow; many a times feeding him breakfast en route, just so he doesn't miss the most important meal of the day because he had to spend 5 extra minutes ironing that 100% cotton shirt; getting back home only to start the rush rush rush process again...this time to get an immobile preschooler breakfasted and ready for school, 2 nearly impossible tasks in a quick 45 minutes.

I know that if he got right into it, he would be grateful for the meal challenges that I face everyday....a solid heart healthy one for him, an all out fattening one for the scrawny little guy , baby food for the baby; and if he had a peep into my head, he would be sucked dizzyingly into the maze of thoughts that precede each other at lightening speed, with my actions trying to keep up. Maintaining the kids' naptimes, what to give them for their next snack, answering a myriad questions and requests for TV, games, splashing in the tub and wetting the bathroom floor....overwatering the plants, performing impressive but heart-alarming jumpinbg stunts, pacifying a crying baby, feeding him, worrying about not giving him enough stimulation to help his brain forge those vital connections...reading a book to the neglected older one, feeling guilty for not engaging him more fitfully, voice raising in decibels every few minutes despite repeated resolutions to amend...talking to him about his day, with a view to invest in keeping the lines of communication open for the future rebellious years...trying, at least mentally, to get some music time in, where he can learn the instrument, so that the next time we speak to his grandparents, I can say that I've done something worthwhile...coaching him repeatedly to talk in his mother tongue...fretting about how he shall learn to pray without any real inclination for it...and so much more.

He does what he can do best, and I do, what at the end of a chaotic day still makes me happy. We could switch roles...sure we could...and learn to do them, but we would not be cut out for it. Instead, what would enhance this precious balance we have going on is appreciation. A little time to conjecture and to appreciate the unique things that we do...and to say in a few simple, yet powerful catalystic words...thank you...you are wonderful and I feel so supported by you. Say it and you will find your feet dancing in the clouds and love flowing out of your hands in every task that you undertake after that. Say it and you have a recipe for total contentment...that blissful state of equanimity within and without!

SAHM vs WOHM: Continues till the end of time

This post is my Pop Mom of Babies Anonymous

I wrote about my travails as a working woman on my blog. I got a lot of responses from other working women stating that they feel the same way about things but were not sure if they can give up their jobs due to various reasons.. Be it money, be it the prestige, be it the insecurity, whatever.

The common thread though was guilt of not being there for the children, of not being able to give 100% to their homes, of being short tempered and so on. Debates on SAHM vs WOHM has always taken extremes with people from each side mudslinging the opposite side. Or we go to the other end and claim that "Whatever works for you best..is best".

Fat load of help that one is. It is true though. Every mother's situation is different, personal history, familial support, financial situation, there's really no solution fits all in this case (is there ever any case, where it does fit?) Then why we do feel like revisiting this topic every once in a while? We feel this extreme need to justify our stand and feel righteous of our choices. Why? Because no solution works all the time. And because sometimes our current situation is not one of choice.

I was talking to my DH the other day about this and he said a lot of things that annoyed me at first, then got me thinking.
**** Disclaimer; This is a male point of view atleast the way I understood it. I may have gotten it wrong, or it may sound MCP-ish at times.

He said that we women perceive our lot as a bad one because we have to make choices. Between child rearing full time versus part time. And we envy the men, who strangely enough have NO choices. Right from when they remember, they have been told to go out there and make money. Plenty of us women has also been raised that way, but he was wondering how we could end up being shocked by the fact that we'd have to make babies some day and therefore raise them. We knew we were going to have babies right? And that biologically, we were the only ones to do it. If we decided that we found work boring and that staying at home was more interesting, it would be the most natural thing in the world. Not many men have that choice, atleast not yet.

I was a little mad to hear that, but I also knew there was an element of truth to it. Sensing perhaps that I was getting irritated, he also asked me to look at this in the long run. Children need you intensely only for the first few years of their lives. After that they are pretty much on their own. The breaks that you take now will not matter so much in the long run of a 20-25 year career. It will seem frustrating now, but a few years from now, you'll look back and laugh.

**** End view point by DH

Is that the solution then? Take a break when the baby(ies) are young, and go back to work once they're in full time school? Hmm I'm not so sure on that one. I know a woman who works full time and her daughter is 13 years old. She thinks it's far easier to work when the babies are small, once they get older, they know how to guilt-trip you. Besides for plenty of us, our careers have really taken off at about the same time that we're having babies. How can we cope with it, how can we compete when all our peers have gone ahead? Sometimes, we are left so far behind, it is almost impossible to pick off where you left.

Maybe then we need to keep in touch with work, perhaps by working part-time or by volunteering someplace. Part time options ofcourse may not be available to all professions. Some employers will let you do it and then you end up working longer and longer hours until you've reached a point where your work is full time but your pay is only part time! Besides you need the same support system with working part time as you need full time and you may not be able to afford it on a part time job.

Let's see where we're going with this rambling.. Scratch out working if you feel guilty about leaving the babies in a stranger's care. Scratch out staying at home if you cannot afford to, or if you cannot later pick up where you left off. Scratch out part time because it may not work or be suitable for all folks.

What option are we left with?

Acceptance. Of our situation of exactly why we're doing what we're doing. We probably need to make peace with our choices. And learn to live with it. All by ourselves, no whining to all and sundry and no feeling like a matyr making the children feel guilty. And definitely no feeling piteous, triumphant, condescending, or superior towards other women who make different choices.

I know, I haven't said anything that has not been said before, I guess I just had to say it for myself.

Amma goes to office....

I am a working working mom. I work at home and in the office...and I love it. I have been a driven person all my life and I've always wanted to be a career woman. My mom was one...and I've always looked up to her. I had one dream in life then, to get a great carrer and I had worked towards it from my 8th grade...yes 8th grade.

I graduated right around 9/11 .I was without a job after I graduated with a Master's in EE. That was my life goal crushed right there. I was without a job when I married R...and I was without a job for 2 years since I married. I know what it is to be at home and I don't like it fully. That's just me. That's my personality. But in this time when I was at home, I got to know that stay at home women work a lot too. So, I have tremendous respect for them.

I got a job a couple of years before Chintu was born and I loved the independence. The job was not in my field of passion but I loved going to work. When I was in labor I got an interview call for my dream job. I had a c-section, went to the interview in 3 weeks and began working from week 7. Yes, that's how passionate I am about this job. I did not have any regrets about leaving Chintu back, because I left him with my parents and I went home every 3 hours during the first 5 months he was born. He is 19 months old now, and by the grace of God, I have been able to have one set of grandparents always taking care of him and I have a very understanding Manager and team that accomodate flex time. And not to mention, a great husband that pitches in every little and big way he can!

My MIL is generally a great person, but she is a MIL once in a while :) I have been pulled down indirectly by her now and then accusing me of being less efficient as a mom by being a working mom , but I know in my gut that this is how I want it and Chintu will love me for all the time, efforts, energy , love that I give him . Instead of being put down by comments, I have learnt that anyone that has not been in my shoes cannot know how I feel.

The only people that I am answerable to are Chintu, R and myself.

I am a working mom because ( and these are only my thoughts):
- I have not compromised on my son's care taking
- I am passionate about something and I have been given the opportunity and I want pursue it
- I like the financial independence
- I can be a better role model for my son - he will know a woman can do everything and more
- I am an individual and this is me

The day I feel I am compromising on my son's upbringing, I will stop....because I am a mom first and everything else next.

So I feel that the very topic SHAM Vs Working mom is wrong. there is no 'Vs' , there is only ' know what you want - do it without regrets'. Don't let anybody judge you for doing what you want to. Everything a mother does needs a hell lot of efforts and support!

Member Introduction

Hi Mommies,
I am mnamma , part time working Mom of 4 year old, busy bee twin girls M and N. I, Hubby, M and N currently reside in the beautiful city of Portland in Northwestern USA. Our native place is Chennai, India and we have been in Portland for more than 7 years. I was introduced to DesiMomz club and the Indianmommies blogspot by Boo and I find both the blogspots awesome. Thanks sandeepa for sending me the invite, I admire you for the many Avatars you take! I look forward to being part of DMC. I find all the Mommies’s writings on DMC very thought provoking and interesting and I hope to contribute regularly to this blog. It has been a pretty eventful journey in life, for me as a Mom with double blessings. There have been highs and lows in this journey as a Mom and I intend to share with you guys, some of the interesting experiences of my life as a Mommy of twins. I wish to contribute pretty regularly here and I once again appreciate the efforts of the blog administrator Sandeepa, Asha and IndoSunGod and all the other Moms of DMC.

Theme for August

There comes a time in the life of every Momz Club when the issue of Stay At Home (SAHM) Vs Working Mom (WM) cannot be left undiscussed. While both parties don't have any differences on the working part we of course have several opinions about the choice of being a SAHM vs WM. August being a hot month as it is thought I would pick a equally hot topic to discuss.

Theme for August - SAHM Vs WM

Do you feel vindicated as a SAHM when you wake up early one morning and realize your kid is sick and you don't have to do cartwheels as you watch the poor husband rushing off to his job?

Are you happy that you chose to be a WM when a seat in the sought after school opened up and you don't have to turn it down because the tution fee is most defintely going to put a severe dent in your wallet?

Do you feel extremely happy that your kids are not brought by strangers because of your well thought out decision to stay home?

Do you wake up every morning wondering why you put up with obnoxiousness of your coworkers when your child is being cared for by strangers?

Do you resent being a SAHM when your husband and friends are off climbing the corporate ladder while your qualifications and skills are rusting?

Do you silenty thank those parents who take the time to volunteer at your child's school while you on the other hand have to make it to that last minute appointmet with your boss?

Every decision that affects the family be it buying a bigger house, eating out, signing the kids for after school activities are more often than not colored by the decision we made of being a SAHM or WM. I think there is a good representaion of both in the Desi Momz Club to make this a healthy discussion. We will try not to pass judgements of one decision over the other.

It hopefully will be a lively discussion of why each of us made the choices we made. It will be very interesting to see the different perspectives and also teach us a thing or two.

Go On Desi Momz Club Members! Lets hear you!